The Legend of Humor: Twilight Princess
by Kattheamazing
Summary: The game we all know and love, screwed up, set fire to and generally mutilated beyond repair. Is there any hope for Link the camp elf boy and his sadistic pal Midna on their journey to collect the three fused cookies and defeat the despicable forces of marketing/ the demon king? *As you've probably guessed, on hiatus*.
1. Annoying things

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This is a fic that, at first, I never would have dreamed of writing. However, after a bit of inspiration I decided to try my hand at a humor fic. I know that my first story was as far as you can get from a parody, but I want to become a more flexible writer and not just write about the same genre over and over. I'm not promising that this will be a great, but hopefully it will be...I hope you like it! (Oh yeah, feedback would be greatly appreciated so I know if this story is good or not. Thanks!)

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"Do you ever feel a strange sadness in the hour of twilight? They say it's when our world connects with theirs." Said the man sitting next to Link on the bank of Faron spring. Link, however, was hardly listening. He had more important things to do than to have to listen to an emo rant on about his emo problems. These important things included being annoyed about the fact that the camera had taken so long to get a close-up shot of him and why nobody appreciated the fact that his hair was clearly the more fabulous than theirs. Before Link could think of more things that were unfair and annoying about the Legend of Zelda: Twilight princess, the man said something that was even more unfair and annoying.

"Hey, can you deliver this sword to Hyrule castle for me Link? I would, but I'm too depressed and I think I might accidentally, like, commit suicide if I go." He said.

Link squeaked in horror. Castle town was full of emos and people with totally unfabulous hair. There wasn't even a market there that sold hairdryers in pink. These were just the first of his worries. What if they made fun of the fact that he looked like an elf, or that his voice sounded 'slightly more camp' than people might have expected from the protector of Hyrule? Link almost had a heart attack just thinking about it all. Then he remembered the last time he had given Zelda a gift when she had visited Ordon village. It was a magazine from the shop. Link had thought it had been about rubber ducks. He didn't realise that the 'u' in ducks had actually been an 'i' until he had given it to her. It had made her use a naughty word when she saw it. In fact, she had used quite a lot of naughty words, some which Link didn't even know existed until then.

The memory caused Link to shudder slightly. If only he had looked at the picture on the front of the magazine before giving it to the princess of Hyrule...He made a mental note never to go to the shop in Ordon village again, before standing up. He had done this because the emo man was also standing up and now waiting for Link's reply. If Link's voice hadn't been deemed so annoying that it was a safety hazard to people's mental health, then he might have screamed at the man to go and get pecked to death by a parrot with an afro. Unfortunately Link wasn't allowed to speak because if he did, then every character in the game would have died in the first few hours of game play. Instead, he turned and ran back to his house where he could go to sleep with his bottle of conditioner and forget everything that had happened. The emo man made no attempt to stop him, he simply headed off to go and find the parrot with the afro.

The next morning, Link awoke to find himself on a completely different floor to the one his bed was supposed to be on. Link was unsure of why this was until he heard an annoying voice shouting 'Hey' coming from the rather convenient window in front of him. Link didn't know why anyone in their right mind would actually _want _look out of the window to see the person's even more annoying face. However, he also didn't know who the hell would have a fourth floor in their house that was only used for the purpose of looking out of a window. This argument somehow persuaded Link to look out of the window. He really wished he hadn't.

_Augh! _He thought. _It's burning my eyes! _

"What's the matter buddy?" Asked the annoying man "Is the sun getting in your eyes or sumfin?"

Link would have slapped the annoying man if he could have reached him. It was obvious that it was the man's face that was the problem. Link decided that he definitely preferred the sun.

"Well anyways-" Continued the man. "-I was just coming to ask you to help me with the goats. They're bein' real skittish lately."

Link did not want to help with the goats. He did not want to look at the man's face any longer. He did not want the man to keep calling him 'buddy' when they were clearly not friends. Link was going to put an end to this. He turned and took a step towards the edge of the platform that he had been standing on. He forgot that it didn't have a safety railing and fell off. He fell two floors before landing and picking himself up whilst muttering bad things about his house being built by drugged-up architects. He limped over to the door and yanked it open, letting the fresh breeze awaken his senses. He took another step and fell the distance from his house to the ground. This time even worse words made their way out of his mouth whilst he picked himself up again. Unfortunately his voice had been too quiet to kill the annoying man, but Link had a better way of murdering him. He mounted Epona and turned her to face the annoying man. The annoying man was a bit worried about the manic grin on Link's face. It was roadkill time.

One brutal roadkill 'accident' later and Link found himself trotting gently into Ordon village. The camera panned out to show the whole of the village (which turned out to be ridiculously small) and unhelpful writing appeared at the bottom of the screen informing the player of the village's name. It wasted ten seconds of the player's life and meant less screen time for Link; who was now extremely pissed off. As if enough annoying stuff hadn't happened to him today. Then there was the music. The player's ears nearly committed suicide (If that was ever possible) and the player tried to kill him/herself by jumping off the nearest couch. The world's suicide rate exploded despite the fact that jumping of a couch is hardly an easy way to kill yourself. The only players left managed to destroy the speakers on their TVs before they were driven to the point of insanity. Link was still trotting forwards.

There were lots of people in Ordon village. They were all waiting for the right moment to jump out at Link and force him to do one of their tutorials. If only the poor player could have been ready then they might have been able to survive the torture. Luckily for them however, Link was ready to do some serious tutorial skipping. He went up to the mayor, dismounted Epona and stood in front of him. The mayor immediately began a conversation but Link wasn't listening: he was waiting for an unnaturally and ridiculously angry goat to come charging from Ordon Ranch with murderous intentions. Link was supposed to stop it (another little tutorial) but there was nothing preventing him from diving for cover and watching it massacre everyone instead.

Several brutal massacres later and Link decided to go and collect the items that were supposed to have been 'rewards' for finishing some of the tutorials. He found the fishing rod in a ridiculously small house and decided to store it in his 'invisible storage space' or down his pants if you prefer the truth. He couldn't think why anyone would enjoy playing a game that involved fishing, but decided to shove it down his pants anyway (just in case he needed to catch a fish that he could use as a key to unlock doors or slap bad guys with...). After a while of pondering on this fascinating topic Link headed to the shop forgetting that he had recently promised himself not to visit it again. The woman inside looked stoned. She was holding a half-empty jar of milk whilst staring at it miserably. Link began to wonder just what was _in_ the milk.

"Here, you take it.." She stuttered as Link approached. Link decided to talk to her, she looked too stoned to notice what his voice sounded like.

"Hey, don't you want me to catch a fish for your kitten first so it comes back into the shop?" He inquired.

"FORGET ABOUT THE GOD DAMNED KITTEN AND TAKE THE MILK!" She screeched.

"Hell yeah!" Link muttered to himself, grabbing the jar she was holding out to him. Then, he quickly turned and left before she tried to set him another tutorial.

Outside, Link decided to try the milk. After all, it was probably only milk wasn't it? How bad could it be? There was hardly any left so he gulped the remainder down and waited for a few seconds. Nothing happened. Then the chickens started appearing. An army of them amassed in front of him. Link was scared.

"D-don't you think about c-coming near me you...you...horrible beasts!" He squeaked feebly. The chickens didn't move. Link realised that chickens weren't actually that aggressive. One had pecked his leg before (which had been pretty terrifying for poor old Link) but apart from that, chickens were generally quiet, gentle, stupid things. No wonder they let him grab their legs and fly with them (a ridiculous but awesome thing). He suddenly felt the need to pet one of them, just to show his appreciation. It nearly bit his hand off when he reached out. Now Link was scared. He ran towards his house but suddenly the chickens were all drinking cans of Red bull and started chasing him furiously. He was not fast enough to escape their hyper-wrath and they dived at him, teeth bared. Link didn't think chickens were supposed to have teeth, but was frightened nonetheless. He tried to jump out of the way but chickens were on all sides now, only the white glint of knife-like teeth could be seen. A giant beak was coming towards him, he was going to be eaten by a chicken, not the other way round. This was their revenge, the chicken's revenge.

"I'm sorry!!!" Were Link's final words as the knives closed in around him.

Three children were looking down at the cowering boy.

"Oh man..." Said one of them "I bet he drank that milk that my mom makes."

"Yeah, maybe we should have warned him that it wasn't milk."

"I don't think we should have." Said a disturbingly intelligent looking toddler. "I find the fact that he thinks he's being attacked by an army of chickens on energy drinks is rather amusing."

"Oh yeah...it is..." Chorused the other two thoughtfully. Suddenly Link retreated from his cowering pose, looked up, blinked a bit and then sighed with relief. The chickens were gone, only to be replaced with...the _children. _Now Link wished that the chickens would come back. If there was anything he hated more than Ordon village it was the children that lived there. One had the most annoying expression you could possibly imagine and annoying hairstyle to match, the toddler was a character rip-off of Stewie Griffin from family guy and the other was a monkey-stalker. But there was another child. One that was even more annoying than Link's voice. Colin. But Colin didn't exist any more because his mother had 'accidentally' knocked him into the river. The river was so shallow it was impossible to drown in, but Colin was so useless that he drowned in it anyway. Now everyone was happier because there was no chance of him breeding. Link and the three children sighed with relief in unison as if they were all thinking about Colin's death. Three of them were, the other was thinking about world domination.

"Anyway." The monkey stalker piped up. "We want you to teach us how to use these!" He said, shoving a catapult and a wooden stick in Link's face. Link thought that a machine gun might have been more useful than a catapult, and that a real sword would have been more useful than a wooden stick but he decided to take them anyway.

"Hey! You can't go past without showing us how to use them!" Said annoying girl.

"Yes I can!" Link yelled, killing all three children at once with his voice. He stepped over their bodies and ran towards Ordon spring. The gates were locked and Ilia was inside with Epona. Link was a bit worried about what Ilia might have been doing to Epona in there. He searched wildly for a ridiculously convenient passage that lead into Ordon spring and found one in one of the rocks. Once he had finally scrambled through it he stood up. His eyes were met with the most horrific scene he could possible have imagined. _That...that s-should be censored.._even his thoughts were shaking at the sight of what Ilia was doing to his horse. Thank god some bad guys came round the corner before Ilia could do any more. One of their arrows impaled Ilia through the back. Most sane people would agree that this would have killed her. Link was, luckily, one of those sane people.

"HELL YEAH!" He shouted happily before one of the bad guys came up behind him and.............knocked him out with a big club. Then the bad guys galloped off with the impaled Ilia and Link was left, lying alone in the water, getting his hair very wet. When Link awoke he found that his hair was totally ruined by the water and sobbed for a while. Then he decided to go and see if there was a big, evil black wall covering the entrance to Faron woods. He ran across the bridge, hoping that his hair wouldn't go too frizzy when it dried. Finally he reached the entrance to Faron woods. There was a big, evil black wall in front of him.

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And that is the end of chapter 1!!! Chapter 2 should come in about a week but I don't know for sure. It might be later or earlier than that. I hope you liked this chapter and please tell me if it was OK or not!

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	2. The Twilight

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I just realised that I hadn't given the first chapter a name! Well, now I have ( I think you'll agree that it fits pretty well, even if it's a little un-creative...) so...er...yay. I'd like to thank those who reviewed the first chapter. You guys are so kind! Anyway, hope you like chapter 2!

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Previously....

Link got annoyed (quite a lot) and he found a big, evil black wall with pretty orange patterns on it.

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Link was standing in front of the big, evil black wall with pretty orange patterns on it.

"Wow." He sighed. "That looks evil...I should run towards it!!!" So Link ran towards it, as if he was _asking _for some kind of evil thing to grab him. When he reached the wall he took time to study the pretty orange patterns on it instead of getting his ass out of there as fast as he could, like any sane person would do.

"Ahh...pretty..." He sighed happily before a giant evil thing grabbed him and pulled him through the wall. "Augh! RAPE!" he screamed but nobody heard him because they were all dead (see previous chapter) and before he knew it, Link was in a completely different world. The evil thing that was holding him seemed to be speaking to another evil thing next to them.

"OMG, A CHRISTMAS ELF!" It squeaked. "I always wanted one of these! Can I keep him? PLEASE?" The other evil thing studied Link before replying.

"I wouldn't be so sure...It looks more like a Transformer to me. He's one of those things that start randomly turning into wolves all of a sudden!" It said. The other one rolled its eyes.

"Transformers turn into cars, mom. This one turns into a wolf, it's completely different!"

"Well, I don't want it transforming into a wolf in the house OK? If you're going to keep it put it in a kennel or something!"

"YAY!!!"

"Hey!" Interrupted Link. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No." The two evil things replied. The evil thing holding Link suddenly dropped him, which was the icing on the cake of annoyance. If Link hadn't suddenly started randomly turning into a wolf at the moment he was dropped, both evil things would have received a major elf-slap. Link had no idea, of all things, why the hell he was turning into a wolf. Nor did the player- they just thought it was pretty awesome.

Meanwhile, somebody was watching the scene from behind a tree with a frighteningly massive evil grin. The player didn't see this, because it wasn't important.... Or was it? No. It really wasn't.

Meanwhile, the evil things were having trouble getting wolf-Link into his 'kennel'. To wolf-Link the kennel looked more like a prison cell, but apparently it was really quite comfy once you got used to it. They decided that the only logical way of getting the wolf into it's new home was to throw a stick in. If the stick had been a bottle of conditioner then it might have worked. Wolf-Link was not impressed. Eventually the evil things decided to hit the wolf over the head with a big stick and throw him in.

_Why, hello little black square. Can we be friends? Yes, you say? Oh good._

_Now we can go out every night and get totally pissed, we can buy a car and run people over with it, we can eat those nice little triangle sandwiches without the crusts, we can even sleep together! Oh little black square...I love you... _

_Wait. Who's that? Uh oh...Its my last partner, the conditioner bottle. _

_I'm sorry my little pink friend, or relationship is over! _

"What the? What are you talking about?"

_Look, I know you're upset! It just that...our relationship wasn't working. Even you knew that! _

"We don't have a relationship! I don't even know you..."

_Don't be like that, conditioner...Our hearts were once bound, but no longer. Little black square is my new love! _

"Look, I'm just going to leave if you're going to carry on being weird..."

_Conditioner, no! _

"I AM NOT A FRIGGIN BOTTLE OF CONDITIONER!!" Midna yelled at the half-conscious wolf.

Wolf-Link snapped awake at the sound of the yell almost immediately. He looked up to see a small figure, hovering outside the his cell. She gave him one of her trademark evil smiles before passing straight through the bars and hovering up to him. Before he could react, she spoke.

"It's OK. I know what you're thinking because I have psychic powers!!!!"

_Hey! You're not supposed to have psychic powers! _

"It's not my fault that I'm more awesome than you!"

_But I'm more fabulous. _

"But my hair is way more fabulous than yours!"

_If having a hand for hair is fabulous then yeah...you're way more fabulous! _

"Well, if you're gonna' be like that then I don't have to help you!"

_Help me? Oh! Are you the social relationship councilor?_

"No..."

_Then you can't help me!_ At this, wolf- Link turned away and gave a sad little sniff. Breaking up with his bottle of conditioner was more emotionally exhausting than he had expected.

"You dream about breaking up with hair products? Weirdo."

_Can't an elf have a little privacy? _

"You're actually an elf? And there was me, thinking that you were just some really disturbing wolf that happens to dream about hair products!"

_No. I turned into a wolf when I came through that big, evil black wall with pretty orange patterns on it. _

"I saw that! I was watching from behind a tree grinning evilly."

_Why? _

"Because I'm awesome! That's why."

_And that just explains it all doesn't it? _

"Do you want my help or not?"

_You can't help me. I think I'm having an emotional breakdown!_

"What? About breaking up with a hair product? You do realise that it was just a dreamdon't you?"

_It was? You mean, I never fell in love with a black square and dumped my ex? _

"No."

_Aw...I liked the black square though! We were going to be friends! _

"What? And sleep together?"

_How do you know? _

"Don't worry...look, I think we should get out of this place first. It's full of scary things...

_What? Like your face? _This earned Link an evil glare, which was almost as scary as Midna's evil smile. _Sorry...couldn't resist. _He defended. Midna rolled her eyes and glided through the bars of the cell again so she was outside it.

_What about me? _Said Link.

"Get out yourself.." Midna growled.

Several hours later and Link had finally found a way out. It had taken him a while to realise that he now had the ability to dig through things. This was unfabulous because it meant getting dirt under his claws. Wolf-Link was looking around for the weird floaty imp thing with the weirdly small body when she suddenly landed on him.

_Augh! RAPE!_ He exclaimed.

"Don't worry... I'm only sitting on your back and pulling you around by your ears!"

_No...my precious ears... _

After plenty of tedious dungeon game play and they found themselves outside. Thousands of little black squares glided down from the sky and Hyrule castle could be seen ahead.

_Too many little black squares...can't choose which one...Augh! _Wolf-Link started trying to figure out which one he was destined to share the eternity of his life with. Midna pulled so hard on his ears that they almost came off.

"Are you just going to stand there because if you are then I'm going to go and do something more worthwhile with my life."

_Fine by me... _

"I was kidding. Believe it or not, this game _does_ need a plot line."

_The plot can be about me and little black square right here! _Wolf_- _Link was now holding one in his mouth.

"I meant an _interesting _plot."

_But it can be interesting! We'll eat chocolate cookies with milk and sit around the campfire and burn teddy bears and set up a campaign against weird imps with small bodies and hands coming out of their heads and...yeah...stuff like that... _

"You scare me. Have I ever mentioned that to you?"

_You're more scary than I am! You have a giant hand coming out of your head and a really evil grin and a tiny body and even more pointy ears than me! _Midna didn't look very happy when Link finished. She started to consider doing something more worthwhile with her life, like setting up a 'burn the elves' campaign. Maybe a giant lawnmower would be more fun to kill Link with.

Meanwhile, princess Zelda was looking out of her castle window. She was wearing a rather fetching cloak complete with an unnecessarily large hood. But the hood was necessary. She didn't want any-one to see her because she was having a really bad hair day. She wondered why there were pretty little black squares floating outside. Maybe the snow had decided to go for a more modern look, or maybe somebody had put something in her drink. It was difficult to tell. She wished Link could have been there. She really missed the way his hair swished so nicely in the wind.

After two hours of apologizing, Link had finally convinced Midna to come with him. This was because he didn't know where on Earth he was supposed to be going. The imp told him to go to Hyrule castle and Link wondered why he hadn't thought of that before. It wasn't long before they were inside again, and running up a winding staircase to princess Zelda's room. Link wondered why her room couldn't have just been on the first floor. All this step climbing was ruining his claws. He nudged the door open and pottered inside. It was funny that Zelda didn't really mind that there was a wolf in her room. Instead, she pulled out a doggy biscuit and threw it at him, nearly knocking him out.

"Now will you please leave me alone? I'm trying to figure something out here..." She grumbled. Midna decided to try and get Zelda's attention.

"Um...hello? Princess? Do you think you could tell us what we're supposed to be doing because...we forgot what happens in the plot..."

"Don't talk to me about the plot!" She growled. "As if it wasn't depressing enough and know I have to repeat what happens in it..."

So Zelda started to explain...and both Link and Midna realised that they were going to be there for a long time.

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That's chapter two for you. Chapter three should be up next week but, as always it may be later or earlier than that. Reviews will be massively appreciated...

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	3. Crossdressing shemale elf is born!

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Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. Here's the next one...

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"And then I get beat up by a guy in a pointy hat and a mask that makes him look like a fish that had been beaten up by another person in a pointy hat and then I surrender castle town because I don't want to be spiked by his pointy hat and I drop my pointy sword and the pointy hat man in a fish mask walks away and gets hit by a bus that...oh wait...I don't think that part was right...anyways, moving on..."

Midna watched wolf-Link trying to kill himself in Zelda's fireplace. It might have worked if he didn't keep re-spawning after he burnt to death. Zelda had been going on for two hours straight and showing no signs of stopping. Midna decided to put her giant hand to a better use than opening doors and used it to impale Zelda instead. Wolf-Link noticed that Zelda had stopped talking about the plot and was now saying lots of naughty words. Suddenly Midna dropped onto his back.

"Go!" She yelled. He didn't need to be told twice and sped away from Zelda's corpse; through the door and down the steps.

"Not that way!" Midna growled.

_Why not? _

"Because there's an invisible wall there!"

_Damn it! _

"We need to find a ridiculously convenient passage instead...oh look, there's one!" Said Midna, pointing to a ridiculously convenient passage in the castle wall.

_How am I going to get up there? _Thought wolf-Link. Midna floated up to the passage and looked through it.

"Whoa...they're giving out free hair-products down there!"

_What kind? _

"Umm...well...there's hair straighteners.."

_What colour? _

"Green..." Wolf-Link looked disgusted "...there's also pink." Wolf Link soared into the ridiculously convenient passage.

_Where...SHOW ME WHERE! _Midna hardly had time to point before he bolted away.

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At the end of the passage was a bright, white light. Wolf-Link thought that this was probably the glow of the hair straighteners. What he didn't realise was that this was a video game, and video games can be seriously unfair. Instead the passage lead him outside, back onto the rooftops where there were no hair products in sight. Instead, there were lots of green t-shirts up for sale. Wolf-Link was disgusted. As soon as Midna emerged from the passage he demanded that she sent him back to Ordon village where people had decent tastes in clothing. Then he remembered that they didn't, and decided he would much rather stay in Hyrule and watch the pretty black squares. Midna decided to scare him with disturbing images to see if it would convince him to go back. She suddenly span around and turned into Colin. Wolf-Link decided that this was very disturbing. Midna turned into Ilia. Wolf-Link agreed to go back.

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Meanwhile, Ilia woke up to find that she was no longer behind Epona and was now in a strange house. The player ejected the game from their console and destroyed it in the most evil way possible. Then they resurrected it with their new evil powers and destroyed it again. _She_ was alive.

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Link was pissed off to find that he was lying in Ordon spring again. His fur was getting wet and made him look like something out of a bad humor fic (namely this one). He hardly had time to stand up before the creepy imp appeared; this time she looked like a shadow.

"Guess what?" She said. "You have to go back through the evil black wall!"

_What the-? What was the point of me coming back here then? _Midna shrugged.

"Look, I don't know why this scene was a complete waste of time, money and screen time but I do know that you're supposed to save Ilia."

_Ilia?! She's dead... _

"I'm sorry Link...she had to come back to life...It was the only plot device the game designers could think of."

_Noooo!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways, what makes you think I'd want to save her? _

"If you don't, then I'll just leave you with my little friend here." Midna pulled out a little blue fairy. "I'll be waiting for you on the other side of that twilight wall. Oh, and her name..." Midna grinned evilly. "...Is Navi."

_Navi? _Wondered Link. _Why does that see so familiar? _The blue fairy started to speak.

"Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!"

_AUGH! My ears...I think they're burning! _

"Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!"

_Somebody get me a jar! No wait, on second thoughts, somebody get me a machine gun! _

It wasn't long before wolf-Link dived through the wall of twilight. He preferred the creepy music over the sound of Navi (If you don't know who she is then see The legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time.) Midna appeared, looking normal again, and landed on his back.

"Alright..." She said "First we have to get rid of the twilight. This means making the light spirit happy. You know how we should go about it?"

_Uh...collect the tears of light from evil insects?_

"No...we tell the light spirit that he has fan girls!"

_He does? _

"No! Who would want to stalk him? I mean, come on. He's a loser!" Yelled Midna. A sad voice spoke from behind her. It was the light spirit of the Faron province.

"I'm not a loser...I have lots of fans...thats what my daddy says!"

_What about your mom? _Inquired wolf-Link.

"She's dead!" The light spirit sobbed.

_Oh, nice one Midna! _

"It wasn't my fault!" The wolf gave her a piercing glare. "Well maybe it was..."

"Perhaps if I had some money it would cheer me up..." Sniffed Faron (yes that was the spirit's name, unpredictable wasn't it?). Midna decided that she might as well be kind for once and made money rain from the sky.

_Why didn't you tell me you could do that before? I could have been the queen of all things fabulous with that money! Oh, I mean king of all things fabulous...King... _Midna sighed.

"I don't make money rain from the sky for cross-dressing shemales. Who knows what could happen?"

_I don't cross-dress! _

"But you are a shemale."

_Exactly... I mean no! _

"Money gives me power!" Faron laughed manically. Suddenly all the pretty black squares disappeared and light was restored to the Faron province.

_No! Pretty black squares...don't leave me! _Wolf-Link cried as the screen started to go white. When the light faded Link was no longer a wolf, but an Elvin warrior. Or a cross-dressing shemale, if you prefer the truth. He was now wearing a green outfit. This was no ordinary outfit though, it was complete with a weird pointy hat and a dress that was supposed to look like some kind of shirt.

"This-" Said Faron "-Is your transvestite- I mean, hero outfit." Link looked furious.

"It's green!" He yelled. "And It makes me look even more like an elf than I already do!"

"I think it suits you..." Said Faron.

"Suits me? SUITS ME?!? Why you little-"

* * *

"Midget!" Squeaked Ilia. "It's a midget!" The old woman was incredibly short for her age but had never been called a midget before. The house that Ilia had invaded had been the old woman's house. Anyone in their right mind would have felt _very_ sorry for the old woman. Then Ilia began to talk.

"Hey, what's your name? Can we be friends? Do you like me? Well, you obviously do. Do you like horses? I like them a lot more than you could imagine! Does the fact that my nose is really curly annoy you? I bet it doesn't! Oh that's great! I just knew you would want to be friends with me! Can we go and find some horses now? I really miss Epona...we were so close. You know what I mean, right?"

"Shut the hell up!" Yelled the woman before ordering her army of cats to swiftly kill the girl.

"But I'm a plot device!" Squeaked Ilia "You can't kill me- AUGH!"

* * *

Once Link had finally stopped swearing, Faron quickly faded away before the could start on another round of insults. Midna popped up behind him.

"Augh RAPE! Oh wait, it's only you." Sighed Link.

"Do I look like a rapist?" Asked Midna. Link considered this.

"Kind of..."

"Well...that's not the point. I need you to find a sword and a shield because this game is starting to get painfully boring. I mean, what are you supposed to do with a catapult and a wooden stick? Hurt people with them?"

"I think that was the idea..."

"Well a sword is much more fun to hurt people with!"

"And shields are fun to watch when they burn!"

"So now you're a cross-dressing _pyromaniac_ shemale elf?

"I'll have you know that I'm none of those...maybe apart from the elf bit."

"Yeah right! Anyways we'd better get going. Any idea where a sword or a shield might be?"

"I think we should go to Ordon village. I want to scare the living crap out of the annoying people that live there!"

"They're all dead, remember? (see chapter 1) and anyway, how would you expect to scare them when you're not a wolf?"

"Oh yeah...I forgot I was supposed to be a wolf in this part. I guess we mucked up the plot so badly that nothing actually makes sense anymore."

"But that's the fun of it! I think we should go there anyway; my awesome psychic powers are telling me that we'll get those weapons."

"Are you sure about this? I think that the villagers might have been revived from death to participate in the rest of the plot."

"That's no problem. Trust me."

And so the cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf and his sidekick- the awesome imp- strolled (and glided) into Ordon village. Screams of fear burst from everywhere at once.

"It's a cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf and it's wearing green! Run for your lives!" Somebody yelled.

"Yes!" Link yelled back "Run, or get crushed by fiery pink hair products!" The town was suddenly empty apart from the corpses unlucky enough to be in range of his voice.

"What did I tell you?" Said Midna. "Now let's go find those conveniently placed weapons and make this game slightly more interesting than it was before!"

"Being evil is fun!" Link laughed as he followed her.

* * *

Chapter 4 should be up next week; but it really depends on how much homework I get...

* * *


	4. The search for the fused cookie

* * *

Sorry to anyone who was waiting for ages for me to update! I got absolutely loads of homework as soon as I arrived back at school. I tried to get this chapter done as quick possible but It's difficult when you've got an essay to write (plus science coursework). So yeah, sorry for moaning about my life problems as well. I kind of forget I'm doing it sometimes....Anyway, here's chapter 4.

* * *

Link and Midna strolled (and glided) into Colin's house, both with the feeling that it was a good place to start looking. Link saw something under the covers of the emo-man's bed and pulled them back, revealing the sword.

"I hope his wife didn't know about this, she would have been really pissed..." He muttered to himself.

"You should probably wash that before you touch it..." Midna warned him.

One misused sword cleaning later and Midna decided that they should go and look in the water wheel house. Once they were inside they spotted the shield almost immediately. It was up on an inconveniently high ledge. Just as they were about to try and get it, a furry creature bounded up to them.

"Awww!" Squeaked Link. "It's a doggie!"

"Link, we don't have time to pet doggies..."

"But I'm not petting it...I'm throwing it in the fire and watching it burn!" He cackled all of a sudden. The fireplace was still blazing at the back of the room.

"Uh oh...He's turned into his cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf form!"

"Burn doggie!"

"No Link, Stop! Bad cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf!" Midna yelled whilst snatching the dog from him.

"No, give it back! I want to see it burn!"

"Do you want a shield or not? Because if you're going to be like that then we're just going to have to leave!"

"But I want a shield!"

"Then put the doggie down, please." Link pouted before slowly placing the dog back down on the floor. It squeaked, ran for the door and crashed through it. Midna then floated up and retrieved the shield before throwing it to him.

"There's your shield, now you don't have to get hit by arrows or pecked to death by parrots with weird hairstyles..." Her voice trailed off as she saw that there was no point in continuing. Link had thrown the shield on the fire and was watching it with satisfaction.

"Burn baby burn..."

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?"

"It looks much more fabulous when it's on fire though."

"I'm definitely buying that giant lawnmower... (see chapter 2)... and don't think I'm using it to cut grass, since you'll probably have set that on fire too!"

"Burn baby burn..."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"...Disco inferno!"

"I hate you..." Growled Midna before gliding angrily out of the house.

Link finally got bored of staring at the shield burn, probably because it was a pile of ashes now. He grabbed a handful of them and was just about to admire them when he lost control of his arm. It thrust the ashes into the air while annoying music played and annoying writing appeared at the bottom of the screen saying 'you found: a pile of ashes!'. Link wondered why this hadn't happened when he had found any of the useful items. When he regained control of himself he quickly dropped the ashes and made for the door. He didn't want _that_ happening again. When he opened it he found that a giant lawnmower was waiting for him outside. It didn't take a genius to guess who was controlling it.

Much re-spawning later and Midna apologized for running over Link so many times. He told her that it was Ok, as long as she never went near a lawnmower again. They decided to make friends again so that they could go and do something more worthwhile with their lives than trying to kill each other.

"I think that we're supposed to go to the forest temple now." Said Midna.

"Screw that! I want to go and get cookies." Said Link.

"We're going to the temple."

"Cookies!"

"Temple!"

"Cookies!"

"We need to go to the forest temple. There's something I'm...looking for. I need it really badly, to overthrow this guy in a pointy hat and weird looking mask."

"You think that's going to convince me?"

"But he's evil!"

"Still not convinced."

"What if I told you that the thing I was looking for was...the fused cookie?"

"The fused what? I thought it was supposed to be the fused shad-"

"Shut up, that's not what I'm talking about! The fused cookie is great source of magic."

"What kind of magic would we be talking about?"

"Definitely NOT evil magic."

"Then let's go and get it!"

* * *

As soon as Link had made his way into Faron woods, a weird monkey popped up and started trying to get him to follow her. Link was so busy wondering why the monkey was wearing a fabulous red bow on it's head that he didn't notice that it had stolen his lantern. _I don't even remember having a lantern... _He thought to himself before realising it was because the author had been a complete douche-bag, and had forgotten about the part where he found it. Midna suddenly appeared and started yelling at him for losing it.

"Why the hell did you let that monkey steal your lantern?"

"I never had a lantern before!"

"Blame that on the author, not me!"

"I wasn't blaming it on you-"

"Silence, imbecile!" The imp vanished again and Link decided to carry on following the monkey.

There was a long time of tedious, deranged monkey following game play before they reached the forest temple. Link managed to wrestle his lantern off the monkey. He looked forward to see that there was a round door at the entrance to the place. The monkey seemed to be signaling for Link to go through it.

"How the hell do I open it? It doesn't even have a handle!"

"I think you're supposed to push it."

"But I've already-"

"SIDEWAYS."

"Who pushes a door sideways? The architects in this world have _problems._"

"If you're freaking out over a door, then you'll probably die if you see what the rest of this game is like."

"Ok, Ok, I'm pushing the door sideways!"

Link stepped through the door. He screamed.

"Ewww! Spidersdon'tletthemtouchme!"

"What spiders? Oh _those _spiders!" Midna said, looking over at the opposite wall. There were two tiny spiders crawling on a mass of vines. She sighed. "The spiders get much bigger, believe me."

Link almost fainted. "Bigger?" He squeaked.

"Bigger." Midna confirmed. "You might want to shoot those little ones with your catapult, by the way."

"Screw the catapult, I have a machine gun!" Before Minda could ask why Link pulled out the large weapon. "If I can use it to kill Navi; I can use it to kill anything!" He smiled.

Once Link was satisfied with how gory the spiders looked, he put away the gun, climbed the vines and opened another circle-shaped door. He screamed. There was a massive spider in front of him.

"Ewww! Anevenbiggerspidergetitawayfromme!"

"Can't you just kill it with your sword? Come on Link! You could have completed half the temple by now..."

"Screw my sword, I have a machine g-"

"_I know. _Just kill it already!"

Many recycled catch phrases later and Link was finally at the door that lead to the first boss. It had taken him three hours to get there, despite having a machine gun. He opened the door. He screamed.

"OMGthatmonkeyhasafatass!" There some kind of monkey standing one of the pillars in the middle of the room. It was holding some kind of boomerang and looked ready to throw it. It also had the biggest ass you've ever seen.

"That should be censored!" Exclaimed Midna.

"That monkey is asking to be spanked!"

"You're sick, have I already told you that?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you had..."

"Fine, go spank the monkey. Just don't complain to me if it sues you for rape."

"Yay!" Link ran after the animal, which was hoping from pillar to pillar and throwing his boomerang around aimlessly. Link decided that the best way of getting the monkey down from the pillars was to head-butt them. This should have caused him serious brain damage, but it wasn't really surprising that it didn't. The monkey eventually came toppling off the pillar and Link took his chance.

After one round of monkey-spanking the monkey finally gave in and went home to do something better with it's life. It left it's boomerang on the ground and Link went over to steal it.

"Well, hello sailor!" It exclaimed when he picked it up.

"It talks!" Link squeaked. "And it's even more camp than me!" Suddenly Link lost control of his limbs again as annoying music played and annoying writing appeared at the bottom of the screen telling him that he had found 'The gay boomerang.'

"I'm sure it's supposed to be the gale boomerang..." Midna said.

"I prefer this one though..."

"Fine. Keep your gay boomerang."

"Yay!"

* * *

After another three hours of tedious dungeon game play Link was at the final boss door. He tried to open it but it wouldn't move.

"I think it's an automatic one."

"So if I just stand here It'll open, right?"

"I think so..."

Link stood a couple of metres away from it. Suddenly a booming voice spoke.

"Didn't you read the sign? It says: No elves allowed. Especially no cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elves."

"Wait, is that the door? Is the door speaking to me?"

"No, It's the boss. The sight of pointy ears makes me feel sick and I might accidentally throw up over you. You wouldn't want that would you?"

"Well if you can see me now then how come your not throwing up?"

"Well....I..."

"So you don't hate elves, do you?"

"Well...It's just that you've got a machine gun and...I really don't want you to shoot me with it..."

"Listen, If you hand over the fused cookie then I won't hurt you."

"You promise?"

"Sure I do..." At this, the giant door rolled open. The fused cookie was waiting for Link on inside along with the giant, evil looking plant. Link picked up the distinctly evil looking cookie, stored in in his in pants and turned his attention back to the plant.

"You know I promised that I wasn't going to shoot you?" He said.

"Umm...yes." Said the plant, looking slightly nervous.

"I lied." Smiled Link, pulling out his machine gun. "Being evil is fun!"

"No! AUGH!!!"

* * *

That's chapter 4, I finally managed to get it done. I'm not sure when chapter 5 will be but It will be up at some point. Please review!

* * *


	5. The squidgy chainsaws of doom!

* * *

Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter! I have to admit it...I was starting to lose confidence in my story since there are loads of other humor fics out there that are tons better than this one and have something like two hundred reviews and only ten chapters...so thanks. Might as well not keep you waiting any longer. Here's chapter 5. OH YEAH! I forgot to put a disclaimer on...

* * *

Disclaimer: If I owned any of the characters in this story then I would destroy them!!!! (Apart from Link and Midna. They're awesome.) So I don't own them....

* * *

Once Link was satisfied with how dead the plant looked he walked over to Midna, who warped him outside.

"Can I eat the cookie now?" He asked her.

"What cookie? Oh the fused cookie...um...uh, well I don't think that's a great idea."

"Why?"

"It's not exactly...shall we say...edible."

"WHAT?"

"Well, it's been down your pants!"

"That's a good thing..."

"You're sick."

"Not as sick as your face!"

"Do you want me to buy a giant lawnmower?" Midna yelled. Link let out a meep and decided not to argue. He stuffed the fused cookie into his pants and turned back to the imp.

"Where to next?"

"We stay here and wait."

"For what?"

"You'll see."

"Why can't you just tell me n-" Link was cut of by annoyingly weird music. A guy in a disturbing outfit came running towards them. He looked like a cross between a stripper and postman pat. Link didn't want to hang around to find out which one he was, seeing as he was probably both, and ran to find some horse-grass. He tried to call for Epona, but there was no response. The demon postman from hell finally reached him and there was no escape.

"Where the hell is Epona?" He yelled. The disturbing postman pointed to his little red post van on the other side of Faron spring. Then he pointed to what looked like a flattened horse just behind his little red post van. Link almost exploded.

"YOU RAN OVER MY BLOODY HORSE!" He screamed. The postman nodded and handed him a letter, before running away again. Midna snatched the letter from Link's grasp before he could destroy it.

She read aloud: "I love you. The stripper...uh...I mean, postman."

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO WITH A BLOODY THING?" Link screamed. Midna shrugged before looking back at the letter.

"Oh yeah...it also says: p.s _don't_ go that way_._"

"Which way?"

"I'm guessing Hyrule field." Midna replied.

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm awesome."

"I think we should go to Hyrule field then."

"But he told us not to go that way..."

"Oh come on, if a stripper version of postman pat came up to you and gave you directions, do you really think it would be a great idea to follow them?"

"Point taken. Let's go to Hyrule field..."

Link had no idea how this had happened. He was standing in front of another big, evil black wall with pretty orange patterns on it. Midna looked happy.

"Yay! I get to look awesome again."

"Midna, you're an imp. You can't look awesome." Midna huffed grumpily at the remark.

"Do you want to be reunited with your little black squares or not?"

"I'll have you know that I've moved on since then!"

"Oh great...who is it now? Noddy?"

"That guy is kinda hot...but he has no taste in clothes. He really thinks he can pull of the red and blue look? He has another thing coming! Though I do fancy someone similar looking."

"Well, go on then."

"No...I can't say yet!"

"We shouldn't keep secrets now..." Said Midna evilly. Link was sure that a giant lawnmower was to going to run him over any second now.

"Well its...its...definetlynotyousodon'teventhinkthatIlikeyouoranything"

"Sorry. Didn't catch a word of that."

"Can't I just tell you after I've saved the world from whatever I'm supposed to be saving it from?"

"Fine. I suppose it would make an interesting plot twist." Minda said. Link sighed with relief.

"Anyway, are we going through this wall or not?"

"Whatever you say, Link. Just don't blame me if you regret it."

"If it means getting one step closer to the end of this then I'll do it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Positive?"

"Yep."

"Sure?"

"Sure."

"Absolutely positively sure?"

"Will you just let me through the damn wall?"

"But...a quarter of your health is missing!"

"I have health? Wait, this is a video game?"

"It's pointless, random and full of strippers. How couldn't you have guessed this was a video game?"

"Can't you just let me through the wall anyway? "

"BUT..."

"Midna! You wanted to go through the wall just a second ago."

"I just remembered what's on the other side..You don't want to go through there!."

"Why don't I want to go through there?"

"You don't want to know."

"Please!"

"Ugh...fine. Just don't blame me if you get scarred for life." Midna glided through. Two seconds later a giant hand grabbed Link and pulled him through as well. As soon as he was in the twilight realm he started turning into a wolf again. Before either of them could comment on how much better Link looked without his elf outfit on a little boy came running up to them. Link almost died from shock. It was the most useless, pointless, annoying little boy that ever dared to exist. It was Colin; but it wasn't just Colin. It was Colin holding a half-empty glass of milk.

_Uh oh...we're screwed. _

"ITS A BUNNY WABBIT!" Screamed Colin. "KILL IT! KILL IT!"

_I'm not a bunny wabbit! I'm a wolf, bitch! _

"Uh...Link you might want to get out of the way." Midna warned him. Colin was now holding a chainsaw.

"THIS IS FOR BEING A RUDE BUNNY WABBIT!" He screeched, before lobbing the chainsaw at the wolf.

_Augh no! _The weapon smashed straight into wolf-Link's head. He collapsed in a heap, howling in agony. Midna floated down grabbed the chainsaw, squeezed it a bit, and realised that it was made out of foam.

"THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!" Collin yelled, pulling out another foam chainsaw. Wolf-Link was on the ground taking short, sharp breaths.

_Midna...there's something I have to tell you before I...go... _

"You do realise that the chainsaw wasn't even re-"

_Look, I'm trying to tell you something! Will you just shut the hell up and listen? _

"Whatever you say..." Midna growled.

_I've been holding it in a long time... _

"Too much information!"

_I don't mean that! What I mean is...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I... _

"TELL ME!"

_I LOVE YOU! _

Pause.

"You do realise you're not dying, right?"

_I'm...not?_

"Colin is incapable of doing _anything _that he tries to do. He's so useless that if he ever tried to kill anybody he would just end up killing himself by accident!" Midna said. Wolf-Link looked past her to see Colin lying dead on the floor.

_How did he manage to kill himself with a foam chainsaw? _Link shrugged.

"Maybe it was a milk overdose..."

The two made their way past the useless corpse.

_Actually..._Wolf-Link said, looking back. _Can we burn it? _

"No."

_Aw please...Please. Please. Please. Please?_

"No."

_Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssseeeee? _

"I'll call you a bunny wabbit if you don't shut up."

_I hate you... _

"BUNNY WABBIT!"

_Nooo! Don't call me that, it brings back disturbing memories!_

"I wonder why Colin came back to life..."

_It probably wasn't important, interesting or helpful so I say we ignore it and keep following this path. _

"Fine by me."

A few more hours of following the path and they reached a bloodstained gate that seemed to lead into a village. Wolf-Link studied it nervously.

_I wonder if Colin was trying to warn us about this but drank too much milk and forgot about it...._He wondered.

"I don't think so. I think he forgot to warn us about _that._" Minda said. An enormous post van was speeding towards them from the other side of Hyrule field.

_I think he's breaking the speed limit... _

"I don't think there's time to worry about that Link!" Minda shouted. "I think it's more important that we move out of the way..."

_Oh yeah... _

"RUN!"

* * *

Hope you liked that one! Next chapter will be up at some point. Please review this chapter so I know if it was decent or not...

* * *


	6. The postman gets what's coming to him!

* * *

Wow. Loved the reviews. Spent ages last night just laughing gleefully because I'm weird like that. Anyways, you're probably here for chapter 6...WELL YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE! Kidding!...kidding...Here you go.

* * *

Link and Minda were sprinting (Yes, even Minda was. It was pretty disturbing.) away from a giant red post van that seemed to belong to a stripper dressed as a postman.

_Do you think it's because he wants to have a special hug with me?_ Wolf-Link asked Midna over the roar of the giant engine.

"What in the name of squidgy chainsaws is a _special hug_?"

_You don't want to know! _Wolf-Link told her. Midna shuddered.

"I'm pretty sure I don't..." The driver of the giant red post van was now steering his vehicle towards them.

"Get out of the road jerks!" He yelled. "I have milk and I'm not afraid to use it!"

_We're double screwed._

"Where are all these fucking jars of milk coming from?"

_I'm guessing that it gets sold in that village we were trying to get into before this giant red post van started inconveniently trying to kill us... _

Midna shrugged.

"It figures..." She said. The red van was speeding up. She tried to reason with the milked-up postman.

"THIS IS A FIELD, NOT A ROAD! DIDN'T YOU READ THE SPEED LIMIT?!?"

"I can't drive." He slurred in reply whilst taking another shot of milk. "It's not my fault..."

_NOT HIS FAULT? NOT HIS FAULT?!? HE'S THE ONE TRYING TO KILL US!!! _

"He's had too much milk...he doesn't understand reason anymore, Link!" Midna tried to tell him. But Link was hardly listening. He couldn't get the image of Epona, now flatter than a pancake that had been run over by a milked-up steamroller driver, out of his head. He looked behind him, and suddenly rage made him want to explode. This wasn't any normal rage. This was ELF rage.

_THAT BITCH IS GOING TO GET THAT BIGGEST ELF-SLAP THEY HAVE EVER HAD! _He declared before turning to face the red post van and leaping through its front window. The driver looked ecstatic.

"Oh, hey babe. Come to join the party? Wait...you look slightly more like a wolf than you did before. I like that look. It's kinda...foxy."

Wolf-Link was slightly disappointed to find that he couldn't elf-slap the postman pat stripper guy, mainly because he didn't have hands. He decided that he would just have to beat him up instead.

_This is for running over my horse._ Wolf-Link growled, knocking postman pat's milk out the window.

_This is for ruining a perfectly good children's TV programme._ He growled, knocking postman pat's favourite porn comic out of the window.

_AND THIS IS FOR TRYING TO HIT ON ME! _Wolf-Link roared, knocking postman pat out of the window.

Midna cringed as the postman soared half-way across Hyrule field whilst muttering things about being underpaid and life being unfair. The post van had stopped and a wolf jumped out of the window.

_I don't think I'll be getting any more letters on a valentines day, but it was for a good cause. _

"I agree...Now, should we go and check out that milk supplying village?"

_I suppose I haven't really got anything better to do, apart from save the world, that is. But at the end of the day, who gives a damn about saving the world? I say we should go get milk!

* * *

_

Once Wolf-Link managed to dig under the bloodstained gates he and Midna made their way into the village. Suddenly annoying music played and annoying writing appeared at the top of the screen saying that the village was called Kakariko village. The place was pretty much a wreck. The few people there were walked around dizzily.

_Whoa...those people look like druggies. _

"They drink milk, of course they're druggies."

_Oh yeah... _Before wolf-Link could carry on a depressing voice spoke from the spring next to them.

"Will you guys come over here a second...you look like you could help me."

_But we're not councilors! _

"I just wondered if you could stop the people of this village being addicted to milk...it's really depressing."

_I can imagine. _

"But how are we supposed to do that?" Asked Midna.

"I dunno. Just find a way and I might be just about happy enough to make the twilight disappear." Said the light spirit.

_I suppose we'd better help him, we don't want any more milked-up postmen flattening us, do we now? _

"I guess. Even though I really like the twilight, it makes me look more awesome."

_And it means I don't have to wear an outfit that makes me look slightly more like an elf than I already do...we all have to make sacrifices sometimes, Minda. _

"I suppose..."

"Will you two stop taking this game seriously and stop the milk of doom?" Said the light spirit.

_Alright, alright. We're going!

* * *

_

Midna and wolf-Link spent the next half-hour trying to figure out ways to stop people being addicted to milk. Eventually they decided that they needed to build a secret laboratory and work for years to create a cure for milk-craving. The light spirit realised that this was going to make the game even more painfully boring than it already was and handed blazing torches to both of them.

"I think you're supposed to burn down the shop over there that sells the milk to people."

Wolf-Link's ears pricked up.

_Burn? _

"Oh god...you really shouldn't have said that." Midna warned the light spirit. "And I don't think the fact that you've given him a blazing torch is going to help either...." Before she could say another word wolf-Link pelted off. A few seconds later and the whole village was on fire.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!" Midna yelled.

"At least the milk's gone..."

"BUT SO IS EVERYBODY ELSE!!!"

"That's their problem! I'm happy now!" The twilight started to fade away as wolf-Link came bounding back up to them with a fiery stick in his mouth. The screen suddenly glowed white and everybody was blinded (including the player). When the white faded away Link looked like a camp elf again and Midna looked like the shadow of an imp. Link suddenly realised that he was still holding a smouldering stick in his mouth, and spat it out quickly.

"Ewww! It tasted all burny..."

"I could have guessed." Said Midna, looking at the stick, still blazing away in the liquid at Link's feet.

"Heh. It sure is lucky that you're standing in spring water and not oil."

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Asked Link, looking worriedly down at the stick, which was still on fire for some reason.

"Now where did you get that idea from?...You might want to get out of there, by the way." She replied, noticing that the fire was starting to spread around Link's boots.

"What the-? AUGH my designer boots!" He yelped, jumping out of the spring. The whole thing suddenly set ablaze and the two of them watched in puzzlement.

"What on Earth? I thought it was supposed to be a spring!"

"It was-" Came the depressed voice of the spirit "-Until I peed in it..."

"YOU PEE OIL? WHAT ARE YOU, A CAR?"

"Probably. It's the reason I became depressed in the first place."

"I think we ought to stay away from this guy. He scares me..." Squeaked Link.

"Same. I keep getting the feeling that he's going to turn into a vehicle and start chasing us again..."

Midna said, turning to look back at the light spirit to check that he hadn't turned into a giant red post van. It wasn't that surprising that he had.

"RUN!"Link yelled as the van suddenly accelerated towards them. "I thought that I'd killed the postman!"

"You did. This post van doesn't have a driver!"

"We're triple screwed."

"Quadruple if it's running on milk."

"And I wouldn't be surprised if it was..."

"Since when did this game turn into a bad Scooby doo episode?"

"It's nothing like a bad Scooby doo episode!"(Notices that they're being chased by a light spirit that somehow changed into a giant red post van without a driver.) "Ok, so maybe it is..."

* * *

The two of them kept on running until a woman popped out of her house and told them to come inside if they were looking for safety. Link and Midna didn't need to be told twice, and dived through the front door, accidentally taking the woman out.

"Jinkies! That was close..."Exclaimed Link

"I wouldn't be surprised if you got sued for copyright any second now." Midna growled. The woman spoke up in a strangely man-like voice.

"Hello children. The prophecies foretold that a great hero would come and save our village from the twilight."

"Then the prophecies got it wrong didn't they?" Midna smirked, noticing Link's peeved reaction.

"The prophecies also foretold that a cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf might save our village from the twilight instead, so I wasn't that surprised when you turned up." Continued the woman. Midna smirked at Link's even more peeved expression.

"I think that the prophecies got it spot on, wouldn't you agree, Link?" She said. Link narrowed his glare and huffed.

"You're gonna get elf slapped if you keep being mean!" He squealed grumpily.

"Bunny wabbit!"

"NOOOO! I'm gonna tell on you!"

"Cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac bunny wabbit!"

"THAT'S IT. YOU'RE NOT COMING TO MY PARTY!"

Silence.

Midna started crying. The woman looked furious.

"Go to your room, Link."

"But I don't even have a room..."

"GO!"

"I don't even live here! It doesn't make any sense..."

"This game stopped making sense six chapters ago. Now get out of my sight you horrid little boy!"

Link marched miserably down the stairs.

"NOT THAT WAY, DUMBASS! THE BEDROOMS ARE OVER THERE!" Screamed the woman, pointing towards another door on the other side of the house. Link marched miserably over to the door.

"NOT THAT WAY DUMBASS! THERE ARE NO BEDROOMS IN THIS HOUSE! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!" Screamed the woman. Link was extremely peeved at this point, not to mention confused.

Suddenly, he felt elf rage consume him again.

"Who do you think you are, huh? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?" He yelled at the woman.

"A man."

"I'M BEING SERIOUS HERE!"

"No seriously, I really am a man. Did I forget to tell you that I like you? When I say like I mean _like _like you. I mean I like you lot. In fact I like you so much, If there were any bedrooms in this house I would-"

"TO MUCH INFORMATION!" Link yelled. "Why is every guy in this damned game trying to hit on me?!?"

"Oh I can't imagine why..." Smiled Midna, who had stopped crying and was now laughing her ass off at Link.

"We're leaving, I'm sure the post van is long gone, come on Midna." Huffed Link. As he yanked open the door, the man/woman yelled after him.

"My name is Renado! Don't forget that when you call me, babe."

"I AM NOT A BABE!!!" Link screamed back at him, before slamming the door. Outside, Midna was about to start laughing her ass off again before she saw what was coming towards them. It wasn't just Colin who had re-spawned. Now the rest of the Ordon children were charging at them.

"Dammit! Why does this game involve so much running?" She cursed, as they sprinted away.

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Ha ha! Finished in quarter of the time it usually takes me to update, and slightly longer than a normal chapter. Well that was fun to write! Reviews appreciated hugely as ever. Chapter 7 coming soon...ish...

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	7. Revenge of the kiddywinks

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Yay! As always, thanks for reviewing. I know I say this at the start of every chapter but I love reviews. They're better than cookies...mmm...cookies. Enjoy chapter 7! If you don't then I will come to your house and take you out with a cookie gun!!!! (Don't worry, I don't really mean it...or do I?)...

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The annoying children tore after the terrified Link and Midna. One of them pulled out hand grenade and lobbed it at them; before they could escape from the village.

"Damn it! Those kids have a good aim..." Link muttered as he looked back, only to see the weapon speeding towards his face. He dived to the side, landing in a bank of mud. Midna did the same and the grenade hit the ground, bouncing and squeaking twice, before coming to a halt.

"MY CLOTHES ARE RUINED!" Squealed Link.

"They make you look like a complete turd. I thought I was doing you a favour by throwing a grenade at your head and making you ruin them." Came a voice from behind them. It was the disturbingly intelligent child, standing aside to the annoying girl and the monkey stalker.

"A MONKEY! I KNEW IT WAS A MONKEY! I WANT TO SPANK IT'S ASS!" Screamed monkey-stalker.

"Save it, Talo." Growled the toddler. "I want to spank him first."

"Get away from me, you stalkers!" Link yelled, pulling out a machine gun. "Oh wow! I completely forgot I had this until now..."

"I think it's going to come in handy..." Midna said. Link aimed the weapon at the unexploded grenade, which was lying right next to where the children were standing.

"I'd shoot you, but blowing you up is more fun!" He said, a look of pure evil in his sparkling eyes. Then he fired at the miniature bomb. Suddenly, there was a quiet squeak and nothing happened. Link looked massively disappointed. Malo smiled.

"I thought you would have realised by now that all our weapons are made out of foam. Apart from my giant Earth-destroying laser cannon in my evil lair, maybe. But apart from _that_ all our weapons are made out of foam."

"I hate you..." Link growled. "Hey, I'm still holding a machine gun!"

"Oh damn it...my evil plans didn't cover getting obliterated..."

"I win!" Link laughed as he pointed the gun at the children again. The annoying girl started phoning child line.

"Link," Midna said. "don't you think this is a little...oh I don't know...extreme?"

"No."

"Well...we've already killed Colin..."

"Colin killed himself."

"Oh yeah...still, this is morally wrong and-" Three loud bangs drowned out the sound of her voice. The three children were lying on the ground. Link looked confused as hell.

"Where did those bangs come from? I was about to fire but they put my aim off!"

"Link, the children are standing right in front of you. How could you miss them?"

"Before Link had a chance you reply, a builder appeared from round the back of the milk-selling shop. The building was completely repaired.

"Sorry!" The builder called. "I got a bit carried away with the hammer..." Link sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Honestly...killing children just has to be impossible doesn't it?" As he he said this, the giant red post van turned the corner, before flattening a child who was crossing the road and tearing through the exit gate. Link folded his arms and huffed, wondering why giant red post vans made it look so easy.

The three children suddenly got up, almost giving Link a heart attack.

"WHY WERE YOU LYING ON THE GROUND WHEN YOU WEREN'T DEAD?!?" He screamed at them.

"We were sunbathing!"

"Sunbathing?!? When I was about to shoot you? What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about how much I would like to SPANK YOU!" Yelled monkey-stalker all of a sudden. Link shuddered.

"Why do people keep getting me mixed up with monkeys and bunny wabbits?"

"Because you're hot stuff..." Smirked monkey-stalker. Malo looked furious.

"He's mine, bitch!"

Link shuddered even more. The thought of going out with a three year old was even more disturbing than going out with a monkey stalker. He decided that now was the time to run away, or shoot the children. Shooting the children would have been more fun, but he realised that his gun was empty; so legged it. He only managed to get half-way across Kakariko village, before a foam grenade knocked him over.

"Oh come on, Link. Don't you want to see my newly built shop before you leave?"

"No..."

"WELL IT WASN'T AN OPTION!"

"Damn!" Link cursed, as monkey stalker and annoying girl picked him up and dragged him towards the milk store.

"You own the milk store?"

"I wanted the bomb shop...but the milk store was making more profit so I took that one over instead, and by taking over I mean killing the person that owned it before. Now I call it: Malo Mart. Catchy, is it not?"

"No."

"DO YOU WANT TO BE LOCKED IN A ROOM WITH TALO?!?"

"No!"

"Then I suggest you shut the hell up."

Once they were inside the door slammed firmly shut. Link started wondering where the hell Midna was, and why she wasn't saving his ass, like any decent friend would do. He was pulled from his thoughts by a painfully high pitched voice.

"You make donation?!?"

"What? But I don't want to make a donation..."

"Do it." Said Malo, pointing a gun at his head.

"But I was saving up for a pink version of this outfit-Augh!" He cried as a bullet slammed into his mini-Link.

"Sorry," Said Malo. "I was aiming for your head, but I'm slightly on the short side..."

"The last of my manhood is gone!!! Oh well."

"Anyway, you'd better make a donation unless you want your womanhood to go as well..."

"I DO NOT HAVE MOOBS!"

"I bet my life savings you do!"

"How would you be knowing this in the first place?

"I...uh...I...Make a donation, won't you?!?"

"Fine. If it'll stop you acting like a perv." Link dropped fifty rupees into the box that the weird looking high pitched voice guy was holding. Suddenly the weird guy screamed (Link's ear drums exploded) and started doing an intimidating victory dance.

"Sorry about that." Said the smart midget. "He tends to do it a lot..."

"Can I leave now?"

"Not until you've bought something!" Link huffed and walked up to the counter. He couldn't see anyone, so decided to ding the bell.

"I'M DOWN HERE YOU IMBECIL!" Yelled Malo. Link looked down to see the midget, giving him an evil glare.

"Oh, sorry." He looked at the items behind the counter. There were a hell of a lot of porn magazines and a bow, complete with arrows. Link decided to go for the porn magazines.

"How much?"

"Seven hundred rupees!"

"Man, that porn must be good!"

"Oh believe me...it is."

"But I'm still not paying seven hundred rupees!"

Suddenly, Malo started rising above the counter on a mechanical lift. Link burst out laughing but was silenced by the look of pure evil Malo gave him. The lift stopped and the midget now seemed to be much taller than Link.

"Not paying seven hundred rupees are we?"

Link gulped, and, in an attempt to lighten the mood; dinged the bell again. Malo did not look much happier. Instead, he pulled out a sniper rifle. Thinking quickly, Link grabbed the bell and threw it at Malo's head. It missed, and hit the control panel next to the lift, which made it soar upwards. Malo cursed as he smashed straight through the roof and up into the sky. He was still going when Link broke down the door and ran outside. He wondered why anyone would want to build a lift that went as high as that, and then shrugged, realising that it was Malo.

Midna came gliding towards him as Link jumped of the decking of the shop.

"Some friend you were!"

"What? I took out Talo and Beth after they dragged you into Malo Mart!"

"But thought it would be fun to leave me inside?"

"Kind of..."

"I'm ashamed of you!"

"Well, I might have come in after you, but then I saw this guy selling ice-cream...ICE-CREAM LINK! How was I supposed to resist?"

"I might have forgiven you if it was cookies, but ICE-CREAM!?"

"I'm sorry!"

"You'd better be..." Link growled. Anyway, I suppose now that we've dealt with the demon children from hell, we should probably be moving on.

"I think that we're supposed to go to the Goron mines next. I think you'll like it, since it involves plenty of fire and seeing a guy topless..."

"Yay!"

"Actually...coming to think of it, you probably won't enjoy it. Well, at least not the man topless part..."

Link suddenly felt worried, though he wasn't quite sure why.

"Why? Who do I get to see?"

"Bo. The mayor of Ordon village..."

"HOLY SHITE! SOMEBODY GET ME A BUCKET, I'M GONNA HURL...NO REALLY, I AM!"

"I know he's a bit on the flabby side, but at least you'll get a new pair of boots."

"_A bit_ on the flabby side? As soon as he removes his top half, I'll be swallowed up in a flab tsunami!"

"You're being a drama queen! Come on Link, think of the boots...and the fire!"

Link sniffled miserably.

"I'm too young to die, or be exposed to disturbing material...what kind of boots do I get, anyway?

"Um...they're made out of iron."

"Well, that's hardly fashionable!! What do they expect me to do? Stick to magnetic walls or something?"

"I think that was the idea..."

"SCREW THE WRITING STAFF!"

* * *

Hope you liked chapter 7. Goron mines next...I'm not sure what's going to happen myself, but whatever it is, it's going to be crazy. Reviews appreciated as usual! (Get ready for the flab tsunami, peeps!)

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	8. Everybody hates Link day!

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Awww man, my cookie gun was set to prune flavoured, and I didn't get to shoot anybody with it...lucky for you guys. Heh heh...thanks for the reviews! Oh yeah, I have a poll up on my profile now, as you might have noticed, so If you feel like voting then that would be awesome. I know I have some kinda pointless characters up there but I put them on, just in case. I think I know how the results are going to turn out in the end, but I thought it would be interesting to see what kind of characters people liked. Enough of my rambling though, here's chapter 8...

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Link took a step forward. He looked behind him. He looked in front of him. He waited a bit, sure that _it_ was going to happen at some extremely unfair time when he wasn't ready for it.

Suddenly, he spotted a pink version of his outfit, lying on the ground next to the shop that sold bombs. He squealed with excitement and was about to go and get it, when _it_ happened. Link cursed his luck, as he saw his horse explode through the gates and come charging at him. He tried to dodge, James Bond style, but crashed into a wall and got flattened by Epona instead.

"Damn it! My big moment is ruined!" He squeaked. Midna popped out of his shadow (or his ass...it was kinda difficult to tell) and started laughing at him, like any good friend would do.

"Ha Ha! Your pain is funny to watch!"

"Thanks for making me feel better..."

"Oh it was no problem, really."

Link huffed and pushed himself back to his feet.

"And my outfit is ruined! Again..."

"Well, you could always borrow that pink version over there..." Link looked past Midna to see that the pink outfit was still in tact, and about six times more fabulous than the one he was wearing.

"...but it's on fire." Midna continued, dropping a blazing torch on top of it.

"NO!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR???"

"I dunno, I just felt like being evil." Midna shrugged. "You'd better go help your horse by the way, it's acting like it just saw the mayor of Ordon village half-naked."

"Don't remind me of what I'm about to see, I might as well go jump off a cliff while I'm ahead."

"There's nothing stopping you..."

"Are you being more evil than usual today, or is it just me?"

"I think it's you, because you're an idiot."

"That's it. If you don't stop being evil _right now_, then I am going to have to release my elf rage on you."

"I could kick your ass either way!"

"We'll see about that...ELF RAGE!"

"COOKIE GUN!"

"Cookie what?-Augh!!! The pain!"

Midna set the cookie gun to prune and sesame seed, before blasting Link with the most vile cookies imaginable. Link collapsed before he was able to elf-slap her.

"Please, have mercy!"

"Not until you apologise!!!"

"Apologise for what?"

"Good question..." Midna decided that she might as well carry on shooting Link because it was fun and made great quality entertainment. Eventually, Epona came charging back towards them, and ran over Link again. Then, she turned round and ran over him again, because it was absolutely hilarious.

"Why is everybody being so evil to me?"

"Because we hate you!..and because it's everybody hates Link day..."

"What?-Augh!" Link said, as Epona crushed him again.

"We decided it would be fun to have an everybody hates Link day, because then we'd get an excuse to flatten you and shoot you with cookie guns and stuff..."

"Well, can you please stop? If I wasn't a gaming character then I would be dead, y'know!"

"Fine. I suppose its getting kinda boring." Midna sighed, before putting the cookie gun away. Link staggered back to his feet, and managed to jump on Epona. After pulling her reigns around a bit, and letting her read one of the porn magazines he'd sneaked out of he shop after Malo had 'left', Epona felt a bit happier and decided to let him ride on her again. Link wasn't that surprised that she was alive again, after all the re-spawning that the other characters had done.

"I'd better get back to Ordon village, you coming, Midna?" He asked.

"THAT IS THE MOST STUPID QUESTION I HAVE EVER HEARD! AM I COMING? OF COURSE I'M NOT COMING!!!" She yelled.

"Why not?"

"You think I want to get caught up in the flab tsunami?"

"Good point..."

"I'm going to stay here and shoot people with my cookie gun, maybe buy a giant lawnmower at the same time..." Midna said with a smile of pure evil. Link did the maths. Midna plus cookie gun plus giant lawnmower equals the end of the universe. He shrugged. Whether he choose to stay here or go to see the mayor half naked, either way he was going to die. He decided to go to Ordon village, just in case the mayor had decided to go to the gym, even though he doubted it.

Ordon village looked as small and as useless as Link remembered. He reached the Mayor's door and knocked on it with a quivering hand. A disturbing man yanked it open, and looked down at the green-clad elf, shaking on his doorstep.

"Umm...hi, I was just here t-to get some boots...I d-don't suppose you have any..." Link squeaked.

"BOOTS?!? HOLY SHITE HE KNOWS MY SECRET!!" Yelled the mayor. Link almost had a heart attack. All the re-spawned villagers stared at them. Bo suddenly grabbed Link and pulled him inside, which made Link have a literal heart attack.

"You want to know my secret, eh?"

Link might have replied, but was too busy having a heart attack.

"I take that as a yes." Bo assumed. Link tried to say no, but only managed a feeble squeak.

"Well, I keep my boots in here, because they can be quite naughty sometimes..." The man continued, opening up a chest and pulling out a pair of misused boots.

"We have such fun times together, but sometimes they end up over doing it, and I have to put them back in here before they start to have too much fun...If you know what I mean."

Link shuddered in reply.

"They're the closet thing I have to a social life, except Ilia, but she doesn't really count. If you want them, then I'm not giving them up without a fight!"

Link decided he didn't want the boots any more.

"So, are we going fight or not?"

Link tried to say no, but was still having a heart attack.

"I'll take that as a yes then."

Link tried to say no again, but was still having a heart attack.

"Will you stop having a heart attack already?"

Link tried to say no, but was still having a heart attack.

"It looks like I'm going to have to resuscitate you...and you know what _that_ means."

Link suddenly stopped having a heart attack.

"Damn you!"

Link realised that if there was ever a chance to show his manly side, then this was it. He pulled off his green dress to reveal, absolutely nothing. He looked down at himself disappointedly. He had been sure he'd had a six pack last time he looked. Bo burst out laughing.

"Hey!" Link squealed. "It's not funny!!!"

This didn't stop Bo from laughing his ass off anyway. He pulled of his own top to reveal something even more sickly. Flab exploded from his stomach and Link had to dive out of the way to avoid being sucked into it. He might have laughed, but he knew better than to dis the flab, it had a mind of its own...

"So, shall we just, like, start trying to kill each other?" Asked Bo.

"I guess..." Link shrugged, before lunging forward to unleash his elf-rage. The flab caught him and threw him across the room, although he wasn't sure how it did. He smashed against the wall and collapsed in a heap, snivelling for his favourite teddy.

"You have a teddy?" Bo asked.

Link nodded.

"Does it look anything like _this_? He asked, holding up Link's favourite teddy. Link frowned.

"Give that back!"

"No! My teddy!"

"It's mine!"

"Then it must be gay!"

"THAT'S IT. NOBODY DISRESPECTS THE TEDDY!" Roared Link, lunging at Bo again. This time, his elf-rage was enough to destroy the flab coming towards him. When he had destroyed all the flab (which took a pretty long time) he delivered one of the meanest elf-slaps he had ever done. Bo went flying into the wall, bounced off it, and started rebounding around the room. Link dived under the table as the giant pinball bounded off every surface it hit. When the giant pinball finally lost momentum, he crashed on top of the table. Bo got up and shrugged.

"I suppose it was better than liposuction..."

"Hand over the teddy, or I will be forced to slap you again."

"Okay, okay you can have your teddy!" Bo said, handing over the bear. Link cuddled it, before throwing it into the fire and watching it burn. He then stood up and walked back to the mayor.

"Hand over the boots,or I will be forced to burn your teddy and then slap you."

Bo looked terrified, and gave Link the iron boots. Link stuffed them down his pants, before putting his top back on. The mayor looked deeply disappointed.

"Are you sure you want to leave? We could go up to my room and-"

"No!"

"Damn..."

As Link left, he couldn't help but he was being followed. He turned round, to see that Bo was right behind him.

"Will you stop stalking me?"

"I'm not stalking you! I'm just staring at your hot ass, that's all..."

"WHY DO ALL THE GUYS WANT TO MAKE LOVE WITH ME IN THIS GAME?!?"

"Because you're hot stuff..."

"Just go away, please?"

"No!"

Link pulled out a machine gun.

"I'm still not leaving..."

Link pulled out Navi in a jar, before opening it.

"Hey! Hello! Listen! Hello! Listen! Hey! Look! Listen! Hello!"

"GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" Screamed Bo, before diving into the lake and swimming away as if his life depended on it. Link smirked, but then realised that he was the one stuck with a deluded blue fairy that kept repeating the only five words it knew.

"Oh damn..."

"Hey! Listen! Look! Hello! Hey! Listen! Look! Hello!"

"DIE!" Link growled, giving the fairy a hard slap.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

"Brilliant, now its stuck on repeat! Just effing brilliant..."

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Hope you liked chapter eight. You might have noticed that Midna has stolen my cookie gun, so if anybody sees her, tell her to bring it back...I'm starting to miss it! I'm not going to say what I usually say at the end of each chapter because you know what it is...Chapter 9 will be up at some point, don't worry if it's quite late; because I'm getting piled with homework these days.

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	9. The journey to disneyland beggins

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This chapter should be slightly better than the others, because I have a little more time on my hands after finishing my homework in record timing (Not to say that the stuff I've written actually makes sense)...so, uh...hope you like chapter 9.

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Epona finally made it back to Kakariko village, with a shivering elf on its back. Link dismounted, pulled out a jar; containing an extremely pissed off Navi, and threw it into the spring (which was still on fire). He smirked as the fairy desperately tried to get his attention.

"Hey! Look! Hey! Look! Hello! Hello?... HELLO?!?.... HEEEEYYY!!!!"

Link shuddered as the fairy made a kind of puking noise, before burning to a cinder. He then took the chance to laugh his ass off at her death. He stopped laughing when he saw Midna come round the corner inside a giant lawnmower, though. At least she didn't have a cookie gun anymore.

"Hi Link, did you miss me?"

"Not really..."

"DO YOU WANT TO GET RUN OVER?!?"

"ImissedyouImissedyouImissedyou!!!!"

"Good...I suppose you want to know what I was up to; while you were having fun times with fatty..."

"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?!?"

"Nothing..."

"You'd better not be lying, or I'll...I'll...mash ya up well bad innit!"

"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!!"

"Wot's dat, ma homie? R U a gangsta or wot?"

"Augh!"

"Let's bounce, ma well bad bruva!"

"Link, you're scaring me..."

"Skafe mate, solid and well blad innit!!!"

"THAT'S IT!"

Midna revved the engine of her giant lawnmower, and Link suddenly stopped pretending to be a hardcore gangster.

"Sorry!!!!"

"You'd better be..."

Silence.

"Sooo..." Midna said, after a while. "Do you want to know what I did when you were gone, or what?"

"I think I'll go for or what."

"TOO BAD BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY! Well, I'm going to have a flashback actually, because flashbacks are awesome!"

"But...nooooo! My screen time!" Link cried, as his image faded from the screen.

**Flashback: The manor house. **

Two men sit at a table, gently sipping tea and engaged in fascinating conversation.

"Oh, I say old bean! Jolly spiffing day for a tea party, don't you agree?"

"Whatto, Parkinson! The cricket really is excellent isn't it?"

"I agree, the grass doesn't seem quite right though, I simply can not quite put a delicately placed finger on what it is..."

"Indeed! I sent for the lawn mowing service last week, old boy!"

"DID SOMEBODY ORDER LAWN MOWING SERVICE?!?"

"Oh gracious! That's a rather large grass-cutting contraption you have there, my dear."

"DON'T DIS THE LAWMMOWER!!!"

"I say! Why are you driving it towards us? THE GRASS IS OVER THERE YOU DUNCE! AUGH!!!"

The screen faded back to the picture of a confused looking Link.

"What happened there?"

"They ordered grass cutting service, SO I GAVE THEM GRASS CUTTING SERVICE!!!"

"It doesn't mean you're supposed to friggin run them over!!!"

"Oh, I thought they were the grass...whoops."

"Yeah right..."

"What the hell were you doing at a snobby person's house, anyway?"

"I dunno, I really wanted to run somebody over, but you weren't here so I thought that the next best thing was to run over posh people instead..."

"I don't understand you, I really don't."

Midna looked at her watch, and suddenly looked worried.

"WOAH! We've been through eight and a half chapters and we still haven't found the next fused shad- I mean, cookie."

"You have a watch?"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORRYING ABOUT!"

"Ok! Ok... Let's go find it."

"Right, I say we go down this convenient passage that's right in front of us because-"

"MIDNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT????????????"

"I...I have to pee..."

"Oh, for crying out loud..."

"What? I haven't been for like, three months!"

"Fine, go for a pee, BUT MAKE IT QUICK!!!!"

Twenty-five minutes later, and Link came waddling back up to Midna, still trying to do up his flies.

"HOW MUCH PEE DID YOU HAVE?!?"

"I'm not exactly sure...I lost track of the time after about ten minutes...."

"Ok, now that we're done peeing can we pleas-"

"But you didn't go for a pee! Wait, have you like, EVER been for a pee?"

"Um...uh...um...OMG I NEED TO GO!!!!"

Two hours later, and Midna came gliding up to Link.

"Well, you certainly took your time!" He huffed.

"But I haven't been to the toilet since...since...Ok, I've never actually been to the toilet before..."

"EWWW!!!"

"I think we should go and look for the fused cookie no-"

"MIDNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT???????????"

"I have to go for a number two!"

"AUGH!"

"Actually, I don't...because I haven't eaten anything!!!"

"Make your damn mind up will yo-"

"MIDNA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS IT?????????"

"I'm hungry!"

Midna sighed grumpily, before making it rain pancakes.

"YAY!!! PANCAKES!!!....Don't like pancakes...."

"Argh!!! If this wasn't a children's game then I would kill you in the most evil way possible..."

"MAKE IT RAIN COOKIES! PLEASE!!!!"

"As long as it makes you shut up..."

Cookies came falling from every direction, some almost knocking Link out. He picked one up and ate it, before deciding that he didn't like it.

"Grrr...."

"MIDNA!!!!!!"

"WHAT NOW?!?"

"I think I'm suffering from sleep deprivation!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"Awww! That's really mean...can't you at least make it rain beds from the sky or something?"

Midna gave him an evil grin.

"Whatever you say..."

"Actually, maybe not...no! Augh!" Link wailed, as several beds landed on him at the same time. When Link finally pulled himself out, he climbed to the top of the pile and lay down on the one at the top.

"MIDNA!!!!!!!! Tuck me in please!"

"No."

"You could at least read me a bedtime story..."

"No."

"BEDTIME STORY!!!"

"NO!"

"Can you get in bed with me? I'm scared of the dark!"

"Oh, nice try!"

"Damn it...night night then!" Link said, before falling asleep instantly.

Midna sighed miserably, before gliding off to find her giant lawnmower. It seemed that running over posh people was the only entertainment she was going to get until she could start shooting Link with her cookie gun again.

After two days of running over posh people, Midna got kinda bored and went to see if Link was awake yet, which he wasn't. She was about to go and look for the fused cookie by herself, when Link started waking up. Midna pulled out her cookie gun and started shooting Link to high heaven.

"Ha ha ha ha! Die, you...you...elf!"

"Owww! Just because I was the first gaming character to get some sleep, doesn't mean you have to shoot me with a cookie gun!"

"I'm not just shooting you because of that, I'm also shooting you because you were the first game-character to go for a pee and eat food!!!"

"Can we go and look for the fused cookie now? I'm bored..."

"Fine by me, so long as I get to laugh at you when you fall in the lava."

So the two of them finally set off down the convenient passage in front of them. Link climbed up a net and was just about to take a step forward, when he saw the person in front of him.

"IT'S MICKEY MOUSE! Wait...that must mean that this is...DISNEYLAND!" He squealed excitedly.

"I'm a Goron you dipstick, and this passage leads to the Goron mines-"

"Don't lie to me, mickey mouse!"

"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!?"

"I don't know, to die would be a great adventure!"

"STOP BREACHING COPYRIGHT!"

"NO!"

"YOU ASKED FOR IT!" Yelled the mickey mouse/ Goron, before turning into a bowling ball.

"Ooh, I'm scared..."

"JUST WAIT UNTIL I START ROLLING! Oh dammit, I'm not moving..."

"Can I throw you off the edge then?"

"Fine, I suppose it means I could flatten everybody in Kakariko village instead..."

"Wow, you're the most evil mickey mouse I've ever met, I like you!"

"That's great...NOW THROW ME OFF THE EDGE YOU FRUITCAKE!"

"There's no need for language like that!" Link said, before putting on his iron boots and throwing the Goron behind him.

"My boots give me super strength!"

Midna glowered at him.

"What? It's true!" He protested.

"What did we say about not stealing other people's jokes?"

"I don't know! I don't really remember when we discussed it..."

"Well...well...we're discussing it now! Oh come on, let's just go, we were meant have found the fused cookie at the start of this chapter for cryin' out loud!"

"We were?"

"YES! But you were to busy sleeping!"

"And you were too busy running over posh people with giant lawnmowers!"

"Just shut up..."

"You shut up!

"No, You shut up!"

As Link and Midna argued, the fused cookie kept getting one step closer, as they strode into Disneyland/ the Goron Mines, to seek out adventure, get hit over the head by rocks falling from the sky and get attacked by weird robot crocodiles that could breath fire (Just like in Disneyland)....

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Hope you liked chapter 9. Chapter 10 will be up soonish...but I can't be sure exactly when. Feedback on this chapter would be great, so please review if you thought it was good/hated it.

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	10. The Search for Fused cookie no2

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Sorry for the major delay in updating...I was ill for ages and couldn't reach the computer without collapsing in a heap or going into a coughing fit. Thanks for reviewing the last chapter (That ASDA thing is going straight onto my profile!) and here's chapter 10.

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Link giggled with excitement as he kept running into the jets of steam and getting smashed backwards. Midna rolled her eyes. She really wished Link would move on, after all, they had been there for at least two hours.

"Hey, Link...if we keep on going, there are more Disney characters to see."

"There are? I WANT MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH DAFFY DUCK!"

"He isn't a Disney character, Link."

"What?!? NOOO! MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS ARE RUINED!"

"What about Donald duck?"

"Don't like Donald duck..." Link sniffed.

"Come on, let's keep going. I'm sure we'll find something interesting."

So, much to everybody's relief, Link kept going until he found himself in an open space; full of people dressed in mickey mouse costumes.

"Too...many...can't choose which one to hug first..."

"No, Link! Don't hug them!" Midna yelled, but it was too late. Link was already snuggling one of the Gorons. If rocks hadn't suddenly started falling from the sky, then the Goron might turned Link into a new brand of milkshake; luckily he ran for cover instead.

"Augh...I knew we should have listened to Chicken Licken!" Link squeaked. Midna, however, was wondering what a Link milkshake would taste like. Suddenly, a giant, steaming rock came plummeting from above and landed on him.

"Hah! That was funnier than that time when you got knocked out by a foam chainsaw!" Midna laughed.

Link tried to answer back, but was finding it a bit difficult for some reason. A mickey mouse stormed up to him and dragged him from underneath the rock.

"You ruined our new ride!" He boomed.

"It wasn't my fault! What kind of a ride is this anyway? The one where you get flattened and turned into a milkshake?!?"

"Smoothie, actually..."

"No wonder this theme park doesn't get any visitors!"

"Link, I think we should be moving on..." Midna said, looking slightly worried.

"Why? I WANT ANOTHER GO!" ( Sees mickey mouse turn into an angry looking mickey mouse.)

"Actually, I think I might try a different ride..."

The mickey mouse suddenly dived at Link, who turned round and elf-slapped him.

"When are you actually going to use your sword, instead of elf-slapping people all the time?" Sighed Midna, watching the mickey mouse writhing on the ground in pain.

"NEVER!" Growled Link.

"Augh, the pain...must...transform...into a trampoline..." Gasped mickey mouse, curling into a ball.

"What the-? HEY, I WANNA BOUNCE ON IT'S HEAD!" Yelled Link excitedly. When he was standing on top of the trampoline, it started vibrating madly.

"This isn't what trampolines are supposed to do- HOLY SHIT!" Link exclaimed as he was catapulted into the sky. After waiting for twenty minutes, Midna decided that he wasn't coming back down and went looking for him. She found him sitting with a load of other Gorons in a hot spring. It might have been all right, if he had actually been wearing some clothes.

"LINK!!! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAKED?!? Wait, that's not what I should be asking you...I should be asking you what the hell you've been DOING in here!"

"B-but, I've been having FUN!"

"Oh no..."

"You should be marvelling at me, all the people in mickey mouse costumes are..."

"WHAT?!? That's it, I'm NEVER going to Disneyland again...NOW GET YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON, YOU SILLY LITTLE BOY!"

Link grabbed his elf outfit from one of the Gorons and put it on, before sighing grumpily and turning towards Midna.

"We were just about to have a party though..."

"I don't care! You're going to find this fused cookie and them we're getting OUT of here."

"You're so mean..." Link huffed, before following Midna towards the entrance to a volcano.

Finally, they were at the entrance to the next temple. Link machine-gunned the Gorons guarding the second door, before stepping into a room filled with lava.

"Ooh...pretty...I want to hug it!"

Midna rolled her eyes as Link tried to hug the lava, and ended up falling into it instead. She decided to look at the bright side: at least he was hugging it with his clothes _on_ this time.

"Ow! It burnt me...OW! BURNY!!!"

"When will he ever learn?"

Two hours of lava hugging later, and Link finally came to terms with the fact that lava was hot. He decided to move on and complete the rest of the temple instead of getting 'burnyfied' all the time. This decision was short lived though: it took him three hours to reach the mid-level boss, because he kept getting burnt to death by fire-breathing crocodiles on purpose because it was 'funny'. Midna agreed that it was funny, but said that he should probably keep going if he wanted to see the other Disney characters. So here he was, at the door to the first boss, sure that it was going to be Donald duck.

"Midna...I'm scared."

"Why?"

"Don't like Donald duck."

"Well, it might not be Donald duck, it might just be an ordinary mid-level boss that wants to kill you."

"If you're sure it's not gonna be Donald duck..." Link stepped forward and opened the door. He sighed with relief.

"Thank God, it's only Winnie the Pooh!"

The figure in the middle of the room didn't look happy.

"I am not Winnie the Pooh."

"Yes you are, NOW WHERE'S MY PRESENT?!?" Link demanded.

"Oh, so you want my present, huh? Well you're going to have to take it from me, bitch!"

"You're on!"

Link jumped onto a round platform that was suspended by several chains. As soon as he jumped onto it, the chains snapped and it went plummeting into the lava below.

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING?!?" Yelled Winnie the Pooh. Link looked seriously offended.

"It was only a few cookies..."

"A FEW?!? You must be like, the most overweight elf in the universe!"

"Man, you're more evil than that mickey mouse I met this morning, but I don't like you...SO YOU MUST DIE!"

Winnie the Pooh looked quite alarmed when Link sped towards him and picked him up.

"Whoa, when did you learn to do that?"

"The same time I learnt that you weren't my favourite Disney character any more!" Link replied, throwing Winnie the Pooh into the lava.

"Augh, it burns!!!"

"That's because lava is HOT!" Said Link triumphantly. Midna glided over to him and handed him a cookie.

"Well done Link!"

"For what? Killing Winnie the Pooh?"

"Hell no, Winnie the Pooh was my favourite Disney character! I mean, well done for remembering that lava is hot."

"Oh." Said Link, taking the cookie. "Can I get a star on my chart as well?"

"No. You only get those for remembering to brush your teeth."

"Damn it! I know, lets walk forward!"

"Great idea..."

"Maybe if we do, then I'll find that present that Winnie the Pooh owed me!"

"I suppose it's worth a look."

They both walked towards the door in front of them, and opened it to find a chest: sitting in the middle of the room.

"I knew he was hiding something!"

"Actually Link, you'd better not open it. What if it's...something really nasty?"

"I'm sure it's just a teddy bear."

"Think about how perverted most of the Disney characters have been so far!"

"Oh yeah...I'm still opening it, though!"

"Noooooo!" Said Midna, as Link pulled the lid open, and gasped with horror as he saw what was inside.

"IT'S...IT'S...Wait...what the HELL is it?!?"

"I think it's a long bow."

"Who wants a long bow for Christmas? There could have at least been one porn comic in here..."

"Come on, let's keep going..."

Link sighed miserably, before picking up the long bow and stuffing it into his pants.

After shooting some evil dudes and running around a bit, Link suddenly found himself at the door to the last boss.

"How did I get here so quickly?"

"Oh look, this door leads to the final boss!"

"I know that. Now, how did get here so quickly?"

"Oh no, a giant version of Donald duck is chasing you!"

"HOLY SHIT, LET ME THROUGH THIS DOOR!"

Link didn't need the boss key, he managed to go through the door without opening it. When he was inside, he realised that the nightmare had only just begun. In the middle of the room (Yet again) was a huge figure which Link immediately got confused with Donald duck.

"NOOO! DIE YOU...YOU DUCK!" Link yelled, pulling out his bow. The Donald duck got to his feet, and quite unexpectedly set on fire.

"What the-? I'm sure he couldn't do that before..."

"I'm Fyrus, not friggin Donald duck!"

"Yeah right, DUCKY!"

"That's it. Nobody calls me ducky. NOBODY!!!"

Fyrus/ Donald duck exploded into even more flames, and Link realised he was about to be turned into a new brand of kebab. He dived behind one of the pillars in the room, which then fell on him for no reason.

"Damn, my luck sucks today!" He growled, noticing that instead of helping him, Midna was laughing her ass off. He pulled out his bow and threw it at Donald duck's head. Donald duck stumbled backwards. Then, Link pulled out his machine gun; and started shooting Donald duck's eyes. Donald duck collapsed in a heap. Link pulled himself out from under the pillar and elf-slapped Donald duck, causing Donald duck to explode.

"HELL YEAH!" He yelled. Midna looked at him in amazement.

"Who knew that killing a Disney character would be so easy?" She gasped.

"He deserved to die, who likes ducks anyway?" Said Link.

Duck fans all over the world started plotting Link's death.

"Look, there's the second fused cookie..." Said Midna, pointing to the evil-looking cookie that had appeared. Link ran over to it and picked it up. Suddenly, evil music played and Link got the feeling that the cookie was probably hiding something. But before he could investigate, Midna grabbed it from him.

"Yoink!"

"Hey! I was holding that..."

"Well now I'M holding it."

"Why do you get to hold it?"

"Because I'm special, that's why."

"I'm getting a funny feeling that the fused cookie might be...evil."

"What gives you that idea?..." Laughed Midna nervously.

"I don't know, the evil music that plays when I pick it up, the way that it looks at me as if it's trying to tell me that it's evil, the way that you snatch it off me all the time as if its the ring...."

"That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard you say...my precious...yep, definitely ridiculous."

"Ok..."

Awkward silence.

"Let's carry on, shall we?" Said Link, cheerfully.

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There's chapter 10 for you. Chapter 11 will be up but I don't know when...hope you liked this chapter. Please review if you thought it was good!

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	11. A very weird Christmas

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Link: Whoa, this story hasn't been updated since...uh...I FORGOT!

Midna: It was a long time ago, when people didn't have cars or skateboards or bears that have key chains sticking out of their heads or mobile phones or game consoles or...yeah, it was ages ago.

Link: Where the hell is Kattheamazing anyway?

Midna: I wonder if she's under that pile of homework over there...

Me: No! NOT ANOTHER ESSAY! HAVE MERCY!

Link: Yep, definitely Kattheamazing...

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The big, evil, black wall with pretty orange patterns on it was starting to annoy Link. He was sure that they kept following him, which was extremely unfair because he had enough stalkers already. Namely every male character in the game.

"This is definitely the last big, evil, black wall with pretty orange patterns on it Link, I swear!" Midna said.

"On what?!?"

"Uh...my giant lawnmower driving license!"

"You can get those? I WANT ONE!"

"NO! Only imps can get giant lawnmower driving lessons...everybody knows that!"

"Damn it...hey Midna, can you hear that noise?"

A faint jingling sound could be heard in the distance, and was getting louder. Link stared wide eyed at the sky, waiting for the inevitable.

"Midna, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?" He squeaked.

"No." She replied, apart from the fact that a giant red sleigh was thundering towards them.

"It's Christmaaaaaaaaassss- AUGH!" Link yelled as the red sleigh hit him in the face and sent him flying backwards. A seriously overweight guy in a frighteningly tight-fitting costume stepped out, before lobbing a parcel at Link.

"Have a nice day..." He wheezed, before stepping back into the sleigh. Link sat up and ripped away the wrapping of the parcel to discover the most magical gift a child could ever wish for.

"HELL YEAH, I FINALLY GOT PORN!" He yelled, scaring the life out of Midna.

"Keep it down will you?"

"Sorry, I'm just excited!" He replied, pulling out fifty porn comics in one go.

The fat man seemed to be getting pretty impatient.

"Can I leave now?"

"Sure." Smiled Link. "Thanks father Christmas!"

The fat man looked a bit startled by this.

"I'm not father Christmas! God, just because I ride in a red sleigh with midgets in it and I'm a bit overweight doesn't mean I'm bloody father Christmas! Jeez, kids these days...oh yeah, this is for you." He said, chucking an orange at Midna's head. "Merry Christmas or whatever." Were the last words the fat man said, before flying away.

"Well, that was weird." Said Midna. "I think we should probably go through the wall now."

"But I wanna read my new comic collection!"

"LATER Link!" Growled the imp, shoving him into the twilight realm. Before he knew it, he'd turned into a wolf again; but more importantly, his comic collection was on the other side of the wall.

_But Christmas isn't complete without porn!_ He protested.

"I'm sure you'll live."

_No I won't! I'll die, and then you'll be sorry!_

"Actually, that would make great quality entertainment." Midna smirked as wolf-Link ventured into the twilight. Suddenly, he spotted a part of the ground that he somehow had the urge to sniff. He really wished he hadn't.

_UGH! That smells worse than the time when Malo turned Colin into a milkshake and sold it to everyone..._

"I think that's supposed to be Ilia's smell."

_Oh, I get it! It's telling us which way NOT to go, right? _

"We're supposed to follow it, actually."

_Damn!_

So Midna and Link followed the smell, trying not to throw up too much. When wolf-Link realised where they were going, he almost had a heart attack.

Visiting Hyrule Castle town was his idea of a living nightmare. It was full of markets that sold apples you weren't allowed to buy, fortune tellers that liked to scream in your face and charge you money for it and deluded women who dreamed about getting raped by butterflies.

Wolf-Link dashed into the town, trying not to get anybody's attention. He yelped in fright as he saw somebody try to buy an apple and get taken down by a passing guard instead. It took him a while to understand that nobody could see him in the twilight except Midna.

_Hah! I'm a ghost!_ He smirked, before running into a wall.

"Yeah..."

_Shut up! _

"You're going the wrong way, you're meant to go down those steps over there. Ilia's meant to be in some kind of bar, I think."

_Ilia? In a bar? Since when did she become an alcoholic?_

"Since she finally came to terms with how annoying she was..."

_Wow. That'd be enough to make anybody into an alcoholic...I almost feel sorry for her! _Thought wolf-Link as he ran towards the door of the bar.

The sign at the front of the building read: _The random Paranoid bears club_

"That doesn't sound good..." Said Midna gravely.

_But it does sound like somewhere Ilia would hang out, though. _

"You have a point..." Said Midna, pushing the door open a crack. In the middle of the room was a table, and around that table sat several miniature paranoid bears with key rings sticking out of their heads. As soon as wolf-Link appeared at the doorway, he found that they were already staring at him. Midna watched as they continued to stare at him, and suddenly felt scared.

"Erm, hi. I think we came to the wrong place...we got lost and uh...you wouldn't happen to know where the bar is would you?" She asked worriedly. Suddenly all the miniature bears were staring at her instead.

_Midna...I think they want us to leave..._

"Um...well it's been nice talking to you...we were just leaving...heh." She smiled, trying to back out of the doorway with wolf-Link. But before they could escape, the door slammed shut. The miniature bears all stood up at the same time before pouncing at wolf-Link and Midna.

"They're the ones who sold us in gift shops! KILL THEM!" Squealed the one that was strangling wolf-Link. Midna threw one across the room before grabbing the wolf and flying through an open window on the other side of the room. Most of them grabbed onto wolf-Link's tail and tried to weigh him down, but he managed to shake them off before he fell from Midna's grasp.

"YOU TRY SPENDING TWO WEEKS IN A GIFT SHOP, THEN YOU'LL KNOW HOW IT FEELS!" The random paranoid bears screamed after them.

When Midna was sure that they were far away enough from the random paranoid bears club, she dumped the wolf down on one of the side streets, gasping for breath.

_Talk about paranoid! _

"And random!"

_And absolutely bloody terrifying..._

"What was that all about anyway?"

_Probably some idea that the author thought up of when she got wasted on jelly beans..._

"Probably...well, Ilia definitely wasn't there. So...I think we should try these steps over here!" Midna said, pointing to yet another set of steps.

_Fine, but if going down these steps turns out to be a complete waste of time then I'm suing you!_

Growled wolf-Link, carefully making his way down them. When he reached the bottom, he found a sign saying: _Telma's bar. We're closed, so would you kindly PISS OFF._

The wolf gave Midna an evil glare.

_You're damn lucky I don't have a lawyer!_

"Look on the bright side, at least you don't have to look for Ilia any more."

_That's a good point! All I have to do is make the light spirit happy and then I can go and look for the last fused cookie. _

"And then this game will be over!"

_Hell yeah! Hey Midna, remember that time I cameoed on Warioware smooth moves? _

"Don't remind me..."

**Flashback:**

The player frantically shook the Wii remote, wondering why the hell they were playing as Link on a game that was supposed to be about Wario. All they knew was that they were helping Link pull the master sword out of some random stone, and that the graphics made Link's nose look like it has been stuck on with PVA glue.

When Link finally managed to pull the sword out, he went through puberty slightly too fast and accidentally turned into an old man, whilst the terrified player adopted the foetal position and repeated to themselves that the game wasn't for real...

**Flashback ends (Thank God)**

"Ugh, that was the scariest experience of my life, and I wasn't even there!"

_It was awesome, I grew facial hair and everything! _

"You turned into an old man, Link... And what the hell was up with your nose in that game?"

_I don't know...it just sort of fell off, and I had to put it back on before my cameo appearance somehow! _

"So you used PVA glue."

_I ran out of super glue! IT WASN'T MY FAULT! _

"OK, OK I forgive you, now can we go and see the light spirit?"

_I don't know where he is! _

Midna pulled out a Satellite Navigation system, and studied it carefully. Wolf-Link tried to ask her why she couldn't just use the map in the corner of the screen, but she was too busy programming it to notice him.

"TURN RIGHT YA FOOKIN' IDIAT!" It exclaimed.

"Whoops...I accidentally set it to angry Scottish person mode..."

_On full volume..._Complained wolf-Link. _I think it's an insult to Scottish people. _

"Same, it's the crappiest impression of a Scottish accent I've ever heard!"

"STRATE AHEAD BECOS YA MISSED THA FOOKIN TURNIN!"

_I don't know what it's saying! _

"I think it wants us to go across the bridge of Eldin, whatever that is..."

"YE DAMN RAYHT A DO! THEN YA KEP GOIN' STRATE AND DON'T MISS THA FOOKIN' TURNIN THIS TAYME..."

_Turn it off! _

"I can't...the off button is jammed..."

"KEEP GOIN' STRATE A SED YA FOOKIN' IMP!"

_NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!_

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So, I finally managed to update. Sorry for the delay again, but homework is pouring in and I'm also currently working on a story for Fiction press. It may take me slightly longer to update than usual for these reasons, but I will eventually put up a new chapter, so don't think that I'm abandoning this story forever! Please review, feedback is a great, as motivates me to keep writing.


	12. Emoness, scary stuff and madness

Thanks to everybody who reviewed the previous chapter!!! At the end of this story I'm gonna mention EVERYBODY who reviewed to show my extreme appreciation to you all. It would be cool to say something about everybody who reviewed as well, but that would probably take up a whole page...anyways I'll decide whether or not to when the time comes. For now, enjoy chapter 12! Otherwise you die from chocolate overdose-age. (The most awesome death ever.)

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"KEEP GOIN STRATE, THAT'S RAYHT!" Screamed the Sat Nav. Wolf-Link and Midna now stood on The Bridge of Eldin. Wolf-Link realised that 'The Bridge of Eldin' sounded like the kind of name his granny would come up with if she'd had too much coffee/ overdosed on chocolate/ both. While he pondered on this matter, Midna realised that something was wrong.

"Link! SOMETHING'S WRONG!"

_What?!? _

"I wet my invisible pants..."

_Was it REALLY that necessary to tell me?_

"Only kidding, it's just that there's petrol everywhere and this evil dude is about to shoot a flaming arrow at us..."

_THANK GOD! _

A tiny part of the bridge set on fire as the evil dude shot his arrow at it. Then, the fire gained magical powers and started moving towards Midna and Link, because...well I don't actually have a friggin' clue...but it did, OK? Then, when the fire was closing in on both sides, the Sat Nav came up with a bright idea.

"THE WOLF SHOULD COMMIT SUICIDE!"

_What? But I don't want to! _ Protested wolf-Link. Midna, on the other hand, thought that this would make great quality entertainment (some things never change) and pulled out a bottle of conditioner.

"Go Pikachu, go!" She yelled, throwing it off the edge of the bridge.

_PIKA!_ Wolf-Link exclaimed before leaping after it.

"That was better than the real TV show!" Midna smirked.

There was quite a long pause, in which the player went and did something more interesting with their lives. Midna realised that it was probably because something was wrong.

"Wait...the fire's still closing in isn't it?" She said worriedly. The Sat Nav didn't respond, probably because it had melted.

"OK I'm screwed..."

Meanwhile, wolf-Link was falling through the sky, feeling miserable because his last word was a crappy catchphrase that belonged to a yellow mouse.

_Yellow..._ He thought ..._They could have at least made him pink... _

Meanwhile, Midna just stood there, feeling miserable because her last sentence was a crappy catchphrase that belonged to a guy with a scary obsession with throwing balls at people. Mostly his balls.

The flames were getting dangerously close, when they were suddenly dispersed in a shower of white foam. Midna was terrified to see that holding a fire hose, was postman pat /stripper guy/ both.

"What the-?" She gasped.

"I'm also a fireman! Now that I come to think of it...you're damn lucky I didn't try to run you over with my fire engine instead of my little red post van!" Exclaimed the postman pat/ stripper guy/ fireman/ all of them. When Midna replayed the sentence in her head, it sounded strangely wrong...VERY wrong...

"This game is only a 12+... I think it's better if we don't go into little red post vans and fire engines right now..."

"But...my fire engine is REALLY big!"

"...."

"Did I say something wrong?"

The shivering imp nodded, before changing the subject.

"So, did you come here to deliver a letter or what?"

"Um...OH YEAH! I don't know where to find the mushroom kingdom and I was wondering if you could show me where it is." He said, holding out a letter.

"Gimme that!" Growled Midna, snatching it from him. It read:

_Dear Princess Peach, _

_WHAT THE F*** IS YOUR F*** ing PROBLEM?!? Every time I come within FIVE metres of you, you bake me a F***ing cake! Can't you see that I'm TRYING to lose weight?!? _

_And what the hell is it with you getting captured? You're F***ing USELESS!!! Try running away next time, yes?? I FELL INTO SEVENTY TWO BLACK HOLES ON MARIO GALAXY FOR YOU AND THE ENDING WASN'T EVEN WORTH IT! I hope you fall off your God damned castle and land on a spike! No, I hope you land on every toad in the mushroom kingdom and then land on a spike...and them land on another spike! _

_WARIO is sexier than you! Oh, and I'm going out with Daisy now, at least she doesn't have a cake baking disorder! I hope you have a wonderful death. Lots and lots and lots and lots of love, _

_Mario. _

"Well," Said Midna "That was weird."

"So I've definitely got the wrong person?"

"Do I look like a stalker?"

"Depends which angle I look at you from..."

"IT ISN'T ADRESSED TO ME, OK?"

"I see...so, uh where's the mushroom kingdom?"

"Let's see...take the third rainbow from the left, go through teddy land and then carry on going through hell, got it?"

"I think so..." Replied postman pat/ stalker guy/ fireman/ all of them before running off. Midna decided to go and see what a wolf-Link pancake looked like and floated to the very bottom of the pit beneath the bridge. She slightly disappointed to find that wolf-Link was floating in a giant puddle instead of looking like a pancake with extra strawberry sauce..

"Aww...you're not dead? This sucks!"

_But without me, the Zoras will die!_

"Zoras? Who are they, a pizza delivery service?"

_They're freaky fish people, actually._

"Just what this game needs...MORE freaky fish people..." Sighed Midna.

_There haven't been any freaky fish people yet. _

"STOP BEING RIGHT!"

_But the freaky fish people need our help! _

"I don't give a damn whether the freaky fish people need our help! I say we turn them into anchovies, put them on a pizza and find the light spirit."

_That is the...best idea ever! We could squish them with a giant rock or something...then feed them to the light spirit! _

"YAY! Wait...where do we find a giant rock?"

_In Disneyland._

"What the-? Oh! You mean the giant rock that nearly turned you into a Link milkshake?"

_THAT'S THE ONE! _

"Let's do this thing!"

So wolf-Link and Midna warped to Disneyland and pulled the rock out from the ground, just as mickey mouse was coming back from his coffee break. He tried to chase them, but tripped over a random _no running_ sign and died. This gave Midna time to use her powers to warp her, wolf-Link and the giant rock away before any more mickey mouse people came after them.

The reappeared at the top of a frozen waterfall. All the freaky fish people were frozen under the ice, so it was pretty easy to squish them. Little did wolf-Link and Midna know, that the rock would break the ice instead of kill the freaky fish people, which was incredibly unfair. Suddenly a random ghost appeared and started thanking them for saving the freaky fish people.

"Thank you so much, I am the queen of the Zoras and you have saved their l-"

"Get to the point will you?" Growled Midna.

"Umm...well...there isn't really a point but-"

"THEN SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO HOME!"

"But..."

"NO BUTS!"

"Damn...bye then..." Said the ghost, disappearing again.

"BYE!!!!!" The imp yelled angrily.

_Wow. You said it, Midna... _

"Ugh...I just wanted to kill some people for once..."

_Don't we all? _

"I guess...maybe we should keep going..."

_That's the ticket, Midna! _

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???"

_Sorry...had to get it out of my system..._

So Midna and wolf-Link let themselves be pushed along by the steady stream of water. Suddenly, they reached the waterfall and went flying down it, crashing into a freaky fish person at the bottom and killing him, which was quite a lot of fun. They carried on going and eventually reached lake Hylia, the home of parrots with afros (no kidding) gay clowns (also no kidding) and the only shop in the world that did giant cannon repairs (Triple no kidding).

It wasn't too surprising that wolf-Link and Midna were slightly worried when they entered the light spirit's cave. Underneath them was a large pool which the light spirit rose out of before turning to the pair.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY PIZZA?!" He demanded.

"Well...we couldn't get the anchovies."

"You're lucky that I'm allergic to pizza!"

_You are? Oh...good. _

"I want a milkshake, and if you can't get me one in two minutes then you're both fired!"

Wolf-Link was slightly worried to see Midna's gaze turn towards him.

_You...you can't turn me into a milkshake! _

"I think you'll find that I can..."

_Meep... _

"...but I'm not going to. I mean, who would want to drink a milkshake that was named after YOU?

_Well what do you suggest then?_

"Um..."

"ONE MINUTE!" Yelled the light spirit.

"We could just use that milkshake making device over there that comes complete with the best milkshake making ingredients...."

_That's the crappiest idea I've ever heard, now shut up and let me concentrate... _

"Now that I think of it a Link milkshake doesn't sound like such a bad idea..."

_Now that I come to think of it...your second idea didn't sound so bad...you know, the one that DIDN'T involve me being turned into a milkshake? _

"All right, I get the picture..."

"THIRTY SECONDS!"

Wolf-Link and Midna rushed over to the milkshake making device and started loading the ingredients.

"TWENTY SECONDS!"

Wolf-Link tried to press the power button, but found it was pretty difficult when you haven't got hands.

_Midna! Can't you press it? _

"Do I look boverd?"

"TEN SECONDS!"

_Please! _

"Only if you say the magic word..."

_But I just said it! _

"Oh...right...well you've got to crack the password!"

_Come on, Midna!_

"FIVE SECONDS!"

"Wow! You actually got it right...um, there's a second password!"

_YOU COMPLETE IDIOT!_

"That's definitely not it...."

"THREE..."

_Uh...uh...pancakes? _

"Man, you're good at cracking passwords!"

"TWO..."

Midna pressed the power button.

"ONE!"

Nothing happened.

"TIME'S UP!"

_Midna you idiot! You forgot to plug it into the wall socket!!! _

"Which wall socket? I thought we were supposed to be outside!

_We are, but it doesn't mean there can't be wall sockets! _

"Will you two stop bickering about wall sockets and get your asses over here?" Growled the light spirit. "I'm very disappointed...so, as a punishment...you will be forced to have the most terrible nightmare of your life!" He said, pointing to wolf-Link.

_Why do I have to have a nightmare? Why can't Midna have a nightmare? _

"Believe me..." Said the light spirit. "Her punishment is worse."

"Can't you give me a clue about what it is?" Asked Midna.

"You must get taken down by...Johnny..."

"Johnny?"

"You'll see, anyways that's coming later. Wolf-Link has to survive his nightmare first..."

Suddenly, the world around wolf-Link faded away, and he knew that this was about to be the worst day of his life...

* * *

Hope you guys liked this! Sorry to **Dawnriver-Ublazlover-Zutarafan** that Zant wasn't in it, but he should be in the next chapter (Soz for the spoiler) Please review and tell me your thoughts on this chapter, though! I love reading you reviews, no matter how long or short.


	13. Heeeere's Johnny!

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I'm excited about this chapter!!! Dunno why, but I am. At least it's half-term, so I can actually update... Thanks to the people who reviewed chapter 12, I loved reading your comments as usual. Hope you like this chapter :).

* * *

WARNING. BEFORE YOU READ ANY FURTHER, YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT THE START OF THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A DISTURBING AMOUNT OF ILIA. THE AUTHOR APOLOGISES FOR ANY HEART ATTACKS/ VOMITING/ FAINTING/ DEATH THIS MAY CAUSE. HAPPY READING!

Wolf-Link turned back into Link again. This might have been a relief, but it wasn't because he was suddenly wearing his Ordon village outfit instead of his green one. Link hated it for many reasons, like the fact it made him look like a tramp with a rug around his waist, or an aerobics teacher, depending on which angle you looked at it from. But this was only the start of the nightmare, for standing next to him was...Ilia (Cue the horror theme). Then Link realised that they were holding hands.

"Ewwww! CONTAMINATION!" He squealed, trying to pull his hand away. Then Link realised that it was stuck to Ilia's with super glue.

"NOOOOOO! MY LIFE IS OVER!"

"Hey!" Squealed Ilia excitedly. "Can I f*** you? Pretty please?"

"HELL NO!" Gasped Link. "It'd be like doing a Christmas tree...only more painful...."

"But I wuv you!" Complained Ilia.

"But I DON'T wuv you..."

Ilia's excited expression changed to one of absolute and pure evil.

"What. Did. You. Say?"

"I DON'T LOVE YOU!...I mean, nothing...nothing at all..."

The only reply Link received was the most evil, terror inducing, disturbing stare he had seen since he spilt milk on Ilia's favourite duck costume. But this stare was even more scary, probably because Ilia's pupils had disappeared and she was holding a knife.

"SAY GOODBYE, LINKY MUFFIN!" She roared, lunging at him. It took Link a few seconds to remember that he had a sword, and another few seconds to stick it through Ilia. Luckily, the animation budget was running low at the time so she wasn't able to move very fast.

After Link had killed Ilia, (To those hiding behind your sofas/ keyboards/ happy bunny posters, you can look now!) he suddenly found that his pupils had disappeared too, therefore meaning he was evil.

"HEY! I kill Ilia, and that means I'm evil? Come on, who doesn't want to kill Ilia?" Link yelled into nothingness, before accidentally backing up into the Ilia fan club. He turned around, just in time to see several Ilia plush toys hit him in the face.

"AUGH! The plushies, they burn!"

A small crowd of enraged Ilia fans charged at the injured elf. Link tried to outrun them, but they were pelting him with Ilia plush toys and it was almost impossible to move. Then, he came up with a bright Idea.

"Look over there! It's a new brand of Ilia plushie, and it's not wearing anything!" He yelled.

The crowd changed direction so quickly that Link barely saw them move. He took his chance to look around, see if there was an exit to the nightmare world. Instead, he found something much better.

"GIANT COOKIES!" He yelled, sprinting towards them. The fused cookies stood in a circle, with a pretty green hill in the middle. Unknown to Link, on that pretty green hill stood three evil dudes, just waiting to make a Star Wars reference. The elf kept running, but discovered that he wasn't moving very fast. He was about to blame the animation budget again, when he found that he was running on a treadmill with Chariots of Fire playing in the background.

"Stupid people, leaving their treadmills all over the place...stupid music...stupid nightmare...oh, hi there!" He said, noticing that he was now standing in front of the pretty green hill with the three evil dudes on it.

"Wow..." He gasped. "You guys look....totally fabulous!"

"I knew he wasn't going to say 'familiar'" Grumbled one of the evil dudes.

"You look exactly like me...but emo! I never knew that the style suited me, but you guys make emo look hot, seriously hot!" Continued Link, only to be met with a blank stare. "What? There's nothing wrong with looking fabulous..."

More blank stares.

"WHAT? Was it something I said? Ugh...I knew I should have laid on some more constructive criticism..."

The evil dudes raised their hands at exactly the same time.

"Join us..." They chanted, simultaneously.

"Ooh...loving the choreography!"

"SHUT UP AND JOIN US DAMMIT!"

"What if I don't want to?"

"Come to the dark side Link..."

"Just give me some time to think why don't you?"

"But Link, WE ARE YOUR FATHERS!"

"Fathers? Am I some kind of freak of nature?"

"You're a cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf, of course you're a freak of nature!"

"Do you treat all your sons like this, or is it just me?"

"Just you, buddy."

"Aww...that's so unfair!"

"JUST HURRRY UP AND COME TO THE DARK SIDE, THIS CHAPTER'S ALMOST HALF OVER!"

"No, stop pressurising me!"

"Torment...torment...torment....."

"Can't decide...can't..."

"Torment!"

"Noooo CAN'T DECIDE!" Link yelled, before exploding.

"Augh...dammit George! I told you we shouldn't have pressurised him..." One of the evil dudes said.

"It's not my fault that they always explode..." Grumbled the other. The evil dude in the middle, however, seemed to be pretty pleased with himself.

"Hey guys, check it out...I look like a shemale!" He said, admiring the fact that he now looked exactly like Link. "Don't I just look sexy?"

"No."

"What? But...I thought that-"

"You don't look sexy, you look like a mutated piece of broccoli."

"What-? But...but..." The evil dude that was impersonating Link turned to the camera before yelling:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

The player stumbled backwards as the speakers on their TV exploded.

The real Link gasped in relief, sure that the nightmare was over. Unfortunately, he was VERY sadly mistaken. It looked like it was just about to rain, but it wasn't until Link looked up, that he realised it was, in fact, raining Ilia.

"Aww, crap..." He squeaked. Immediately, giggling invaded the darkness. Link jammed his hands over his ears, but it did nothing to block out the dangerously annoying sound. He looked around desperately for an umbrella and saw one lying on the ground a few feet away from him. He made a dash for it, only to get crushed by a pile of giggling Ilias. The sound slowly got louder, the rain got heavier and Link realised that he was going to die under a pile of giggling rapists.

"Please...have mercy..." He sobbed, only to be met with more painfully annoying giggles. "PLEASE!!!!"

Then, silence finally greeted him. The nightmare was dragged away to reveal the slightly less disturbing scene of real life. Link immediately assumed the foetal position, gasping for breath whilst trying to suck his thumb.

"You said the magic word, well done." Grinned the light spirit as the twilight disappeared.

Link continued sucking his thumb.

"What did you do to him?" Gasped Midna, trying to hide the worry in her voice. "Not that I care or anything..."

"If you want to know, why don't you ask him?" The light spirit said.

"I don't know...he looks kinda dead."

"Well, he isn't!" Snapped the light spirit. Midna floated down to Link's level, and was about to ask him when he gasped.

"Ilia...lots of Ilia..."

"I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! I mean...uh...no I don't! Heh, funny joke that was...eh?"

"Midna, is there something you're not telling me?" Queried the slowly recovering Link.

"NO!!! WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA? YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?"

"..."

"COME ON, WE'RE GETTING THE NEXT FUSED COOKIE!"

"But the temple's underwater, I'm going to need something that helps me breathe underwater..."

Midna threw a snorkel and a pair of cheap goggles at him.

"There you go." She huffed.

"I don't think these are going to cut it..."

Midna growled, before throwing a pair of teddy-bear themed swimming trunks at him.

"I think I'm supposed to find some magic armour that helps me to breathe underwater and swim around in that...I mean, I like the teddy trunks and all but-"

"NOT BUTS!" Roared the infuriated imp. "YOU SWIM IN THE GOD DAMNED TEDDY TRUNKS OR ELSE!"

Link quickly started to change into his new swimming outfit under the piercing glare of the imp.

"Now, START SWIMMING!" Midna yelled as soon as he was done. The elf didn't need to be told twice, and ran out of the cave, before diving into lake Hylia. By the time he reached the Lakebed temple, he was dying from lack of oxygen. Midna wasn't sure why the snorkel didn't work, but decided to find Link some Zora armour instead. Link was slightly upset about losing the teddy trunks, but continued into the Lakebed temple anyway, like any true hero would do.

The player sat, wondering why the Lakebed temple had to be so confusing. They decided to go and get some cheese balls instead of wasting their brain's energy. So Link floated there for several hours while the player made their way through seven packets of cheese balls. When they were finished, the spent another several hours trying to cut some random toad's tongue off, and another few hours defeating an overweight eel that shouldn't have eaten so much in the first place.

They felt a sense of pride and victory, though, as the giant eel exploded and the last fused shadow appeared, then they went off to get some more cheese balls, unaware that the game wasn't quite over yet.

"Finally!" Link gasped as he held the fused cookie. "This game is over!"

"Yoink!" Exclaimed Midna, grabbing the fused cookie from him again.

"Would you stop doing that?" Spluttered the frustrated elf.

"I need these cookies, you have to understand! Sorry for dragging you around everywhere with me, by the way. You've been really kind and...and I think...oh never mind. Let's warp outside."

So they warped, appearing back inside the light spirit's cave. Midna turned around and smirked.

"Hey, Link, look behind you. IT'S YOUR MOM!"

Link looked behind him and gasped.

"You're right!" He ran towards the evil-looking figure and was about to hug him, when he suddenly stopped.

"UGH!" He exclaimed. "What are you wearing mother? Seriously, my Halloween party is next week. What are you supposed to look like anyways, JOHNNY THE FREAKIN CONDOM?"

Zant looked down at the elf with an expression of shock.

"How did you know? I thought that the costume was subtle!"

"Hell no! Oh, just a lingering question by the way. What flavour are you?"

"Zantberry..."

"Sounds tasty."

"Oh believe me, it is."

"STOP FLIRTING WITH MY LINKY MUFFIN, ZANT!" Yelled Midna. "It's bad enough when you take over my kingdom, turn me into an imp, cover the light world in twilight and turn my people into monsters, and now you're trying to steal by future husband...I mean, slave! I don't think I could hate you any more than I do now, which is why I'm going to kill you with my super mega ultra cookie power of destiny!"

"That's nice." Smiled Zant. Midna pulled out her cookie gun, before loading the three fused cookies into it.

"Prepare to die Johnny...or Zant!"

Midna fired all three cookies at once, but instead of killing him, they bounced off him harmlessly.

"Fool!" He yelled. "My Johnny Condom outfit comes complete with a cookie-proof vest! Why else would I dress like this?"

"I dunno, I thought it kinda suited you." Smirked the imp.

"That's it! Prepare to face my wrath." Growled Zant, pulling out a CD player and pressing the play button. The Johnny Condom theme tune started playing, and Link collapsed.

"No! Make it stop!" Cried Midna.

"I can't hear you..." Zant said. "I think the music is too loud."

_Johnny Condom... use a condom... life'll be much better if ya do..._

"Please! I'll do anything!"

"Anything, eh?"

_I come in lots of flavours too, banana, orange, it's up to you! _

"ANYTHING!"

"Then lend me your power..."

"YOUR WHAT?"

Zant turned the music down.

"Lend me your power, and together, we shall rule the world!"

* * *

Will Zantberry become a new flavour?

Will Link ever find the teddy trunks again?

Will Midna decide to lend her power to Zant?

Will the Johnny Condom theme tune ever hit the charts? (I think we all know the answer to that one.)

Tune in to next week's edition of STAR WARS to find out! I mean...CHAPTER 14!

* * *


	14. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

Sorry for taking ages to update, but as you probably already know from all the complaining I did that I had loads of homework to do. Thanks to those who reviewed last time, your comments were awesome as usual! Now, let the next episode of Strictly come dancing...I mean, chapter 14, commence! (I hate that word...)

* * *

"Wait, what was that?"

"I SAID, CAN YOU LEND ME YOUR FREAKIN POWER?" Zant screamed.

"What?" Asked Midna.

"CAN YOU-"

"Whoa, there's no need to scream it in my face....You'd think I was deaf or something!"

Zant was already trembling with condom fury, but tried to stay calm, because nobody likes it when their favourite condom explodes.

"Can...you...lend...me-"

"Are you trying to bore me to death? Because if you are, you're doing a pretty good job at it."

"Lend me-"

"What?"

"LEND ME-"

"A rubber chicken? I happen to be pretty good at making those, actually. "

"I don't want a friggin rubber chicken!"

"But it would make your outfit look amazing!"

"It would?... OK, I want one!"

Suddenly, the sky clouded over, and from the giant pink clouds fell millions of rubber chickens. Unfortunately for Zant, they all fell on top of him.

"That's what you get for not saying the magic word!" Growled Midna to the pile of rubbers chickens that had been formerly known as Zant. Wolf-Link charged at the pile and began digging furiously.

"I'm sure you weren't wolf-Link before."

_I wasn't. Wait...WHEN DID I TURN INTO WOLF-LINK? _

"Oh..." Midna said, as she noticed the little black squares around them. "It turned into twilight again. That was wonderfully pointless

_It's raining little black squares AND rubber chickens...I must be in heaven! _

"I don't think Zant is."

_You're horrible, Midna. What did he ever do to you? _Wolf-Link sniffed, before continuing to dig into the pile of rubber chickens.

"Were you even listening to me in the previous chapter? Zant's a douche bag with extra douche sauce on top and a side helping of douche!"

_But it doesn't mean he deserves to die under a pile of rubber chickens! _

"I think it does..."

_He was Zantberry flavoured, Midna...Zantberry... _

"Come on, Link. We're leaving with the fused cookies."

_NOOOO! WE CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT JOHNNY! _

Before the player could grab another handful of extra spicy cheese balls, Zant burst out from under the pile of rubber chickens, making them drop the whole bag. The player huffed with annoyance, before turning their game console off and watching the last episode of 'When taps go wrong: the dramatic ending' instead. It was safe to say that the player had no life.

"Did somebody say my name?" Zant smirked.

_That was me! _Wolf-Link barked excitedly.

"Good doggie, have a pin." Zant said, sticking a _It's raining Zant, Hallelujah! _badge on wolf-Link's head. "My version of the song knocks out all the ladies. And the men, now that I come to think of it..."

_Um...Zant, is this thing supposed to be sinking into my brain? _

"Just let it do the magic, Linky boy!"

_It's making me feel like I'm about to die, is it supposed to do that? _

"You didn't expect me to read the label, did you?"

_I think it's killing me. _

"Don't worry...I'm sure there's absolutely nothing wrong..."

Wolf-Link collapsed again.

"OK, I lied."

"NO! Zant, you total and utter bitch! You killed my future husband...I mean, slave..." Midna yelled.

"Umm...I know this is kinda off the subject, but can I have your power now?"

Midna gave him a _WTF?!?_ look.

"Fine." Huffed Zant, before using his cookie-yoinkage power to steal the fused cookies back of Midna.

"Now, back to the light world, you covet!" He said,

"What the-? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

Zant pulled out a dictionary and started searching. Midna rolled her eyes as Zant spent the next two hours looking for the word 'covet' when it was only supposed to be on page twenty one. Then he discovered that the dictionary was in French and started looking for an English dictionary, which took another hour.

When he finally found it, he discovered that it was covered in stuff that was too rough to describe because it had been down his pants when Link was there. He decided to find his pocket dictionary, but realised that he didn't have any pockets in his condom outfit. Instead, he pulled out a laptop and looked the word up, but it crashed because the porn website that he went on last time had given it a virus.

Eventually, he decided that it probably wasn't worth wasting any more time, probably because the player had just turned the game back on, and were in quite a bad mood after they had discovered that their favourite character had been killed by a flying tap in 'When taps go wrong'.

He lifted Midna into the air for some reason, leaving the player unsure whether they had bought 'Peter Pan: The craptastic video game' instead of a Zelda title.

"I can fly!" Said Midna. "Wait, haven't I always been able to do this?"

"Don't ask me, I didn't make this video game."

"I guess..." Midna said, wondering what the game would be like if Zant had made it. Strippers, porn and ZantXLink came to mind.

"Anyway, what was I doing?"

"Uh...fishing?"

"Actually, I think I was trying to kill you."

"No, you were definitely fishing."

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" Yelled Zant. "Lying is a very hurtful thing to do, which is why I'm not inviting you to my party...I mean, which is why I'm killing you."

"And how are you going to do that?"

"Well I'm going to...I'll just...HIT YOU WITH A GOLF CLUB!"

"Sounds evil."

"Now where did I put it...? Oh damn, I must have left it back at the mansion, and when I say mansion, I kinda mean a house...and when I say house, I kinda mean a hut....and when I say hut...I kinda mean a cardboard box..."

"Are you going to get on with this? We're already at 1044 words and you haven't even killed me yet!"

"Sorry, it's just I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do..."

Midna threw a copy of 'Being evil for idiotic condoms' at Zant's head.

"Wow...shiny." Smiled Zant.

"Just read it!"

"OK, OK! Hey, Midna, what does that say?"

"What?"

"The first word."

"Being."

"Oh...what does the second word say?"

"Evil."

"HA! I like that word! What does the fourth one say?"

"Idiotic."

"NO! I meant the third one, silly."

The player realised that this was going to be a very long day. Midna realised that she was probably going to die of boredom. As if by a miracle, the light spirit appeared in the nick of time and attacked Midna instead.

"HEY! What are you doing?!?" Midna growled.

"You didn't make me a milkshake in time...do you know how hard it is, spending a day drinking smoothies instead?" The light spirit sobbed. "I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!"

"Sometimes I just wonder if anybody in this game actually has a life..."

"DIE YOU ANTI-MILKSHAKE TERRORIST!" Yelled the light spirit, as white light permanently blinded the player and engulfed the imp.

The player was now infuriated, because the game kept blinding them, their cheese balls were all over the floor (Not a pretty sight, I tell you...) and Midna seemed to have died, which sucked extra spicy cheese balls with a slight hint of lemon (Don't try them at home, children). The picture on the screen finally reappeared, revealing wolf-Link standing in the middle of Hyrule field, with a partially dead imp on his back, only just alive.

"Zelda...go to Zelda Link...good doggie..." She panted.

_Hell no! I'm not going near that drunk, she might try to explain the plot to me again... _

"But...I'll die if you don't..."

_No you won't! Ha, you're so funny...hey, look over there, IT'S A TREE! Isn't that just hilarious? _

There was no reply.

_Well, I thought it was funny anyway... _

There was no reply.

_I KNOW A FUNNY JOKE! Why is Link so much better than Midna? _

There was no reply.

_You're supposed to say something! _

There was no reply.

_Fine, if you're going to be anti-social, then I'll just go and speak to that crocodile over there! _Wolf-Link huffed, making his way towards an evil looking crocodile standing on a bridge.

_Hi mister crocodile! _

"...."

_Can I have a lollipop? _Wolf-Link queried, hoping for Zantberry. In reply, the crocodile kicked him in the face and pulled out a club.

"Stop trying to molest me!" It squealed.

_But I'm not- _The crocodile started hitting him with the club, and wolf-Link decided that he would rather talk to an anti-social imp than a paranoid crocodile.

_OK! I'm leaving... _He squeaked, dashing of in the other direction. When he was gone, the crocodile signalled to another crocodile, who appeared from his hiding place.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME!" Screeched the one who had just appeared.

"It's not what you think..."

"If you and that wolf have something going on, then our relationship is over!"

"NO, GERALD, DON'T GO!"

But it was too late, Gerald had already left, leaving Humphrey the crocodile as a single again.

The player wondered what the love life of two crocodiles had to do with the plot of the game. Instead, they watched wolf-Link trying to communicate with Midna, which was just as pointless. Eventually, wolf-Link decided that he would have to head into castle town once more, to get Midna some socialising classes. He still had no idea why it was raining and there was sad music playing in the background, but decided it was probably something to do with the crocodile.

* * *

Sorry that chapter wasn't quite as long as the others, but I was in a hurry to get it done, due to the fact that I hadn't updated in ages. I hope you liked it, and please review me with your comments, as they inspire and motivate me to keep going. :)

* * *


	15. Zelda gets drunk, AGAIN

* * *

Thanks to those who reviewed chapter 13, I'm glad that this story is getting better, instead of going downhill like expected it to. Good news! I finally got the cookie gun back, only because Midna is a bit busy being partially dead, but I still have it. Everybody knows that it is most sinful upon the cookie law to load snack bars into a cookie gun, and that's exactly what I'll do if you don't enjoy this chapter...SO ENJOY IT...or face my cookie law-defying wrath! (And get pelted by 300 snack bars a second.)

Another disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING OR ANYONE THAT APPEAR IN THIS STORY, AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT I DON'T OWN THE ZELDA CHARACTERS.

* * *

_Damn it...this music is starting to annoy me. Who actually plays this crap anyways?_ Complained wolf-Link, turning round. Behind him him was a random guy sitting at a piano on wheels.

_Oh great, I always wanted my own personal piano-playing stalker... _

"Tally ho!" Said the random guy. "It's _bloody _good to meet you!"

_Um...hi to you too...I think... _

"I say, we should hang out together!"

_No thanks. _

"Seriously, if you don't let me then I'll run you over with this God damned piano!"

Wolf-Link tried to back away, but the piano accelerated towards him.

_OK, we can hang out together! _He squeaked in fright.

"Oh goodie! My mummy will be so proud when I tell her I have a new friend."

_Why were you stalking me in the first place? _

"Because you have a hot ass...I mean, because I wanted to find somebody that would be friends with me."

_And you go looking for a friendly wolf...Well, I might not be able to answer you if you talk to me because I have to concentrate on...uh...walking, you see. _

"Where are you walking to?"

_Castle town. _

"Oh..." Said the random guy on the piano. "I'm not allowed to go there, my mummy says that I shouldn't talk to strangers because they might molest me."

_YES! I mean, yes, I understand that completely. What a shame, eh? Looks like you'll have to go home. _

"Just as well, it's nearly past my bedtime!" Said the random guy, noticing that it was almost five pm.

Wolf-Link watched as the piano zoomed away into the distance, and sighed one of the biggest sighs of relief he had ever done. Then, he turned around and made for the entrance to castle town, knowing that the sooner Midna got socialising classes, the better.

Screams erupted from everywhere at once when the wolf entered the town. Even the player screamed, but that was because they had dropped their bag of cheese balls again. One of the guards started feebly trying to jab wolf-Link with a sharp stick, which didn't hurt at all. However, wolf-Link toppled backwards when a teddy hit him square in the face. Another fierce blow made him collapse, whimpering for mercy.

"BAD DOGGIE!" Screamed the teddy's owner, hitting the wolf once more for good measure.

_Ow! Do you mind?? _

"I DON'T LIKE YOU, DOGGIE! YOU'RE FAT!"

_Well excuse me, princess! You're the one who needs to go on a diet... _

"SILENCE DOGGIE!" Yelled the five year old, swinging the teddy threateningly.

_Whoa...careful, kid. You could hurt somebody with that! _

"I SAID, SILENCE!"

_Sorry...please don't hurt me! _

But wolf-Link still received another blow from the teddy bear. By now, everyone in castle town was watching the scene through their video cameras, determined to be the first to post the video onto Youtube.

Meanwhile, Zelda was standing at her bedroom window again, because that seemed to be the only thing she was actually capable of. She reached for the third bottle of wine of the table to her right and drank it all in one go, which was pretty impressive. Unfortunately, this caused her to fall out of her bedroom window and land directly on top of wolf-Link, who squeaked with frustration. This really wasn't his day.

_What the hell do you think you're doing, Zelda? Are you drunk again? _

"No..." Giggled the princess. "You're such a funny bunny!"

_A funny what?- _

"Why are all those marshmallows looking at us? They all look really silly in their bright pink costumes..." Zelda smiled, breaking into another laughing fit.

_Those aren't marshmallows, Zelda. Those are your people... _

"Quiet, funny bunny! Now isn't the time to be stupid!"

_Just how much did you drink today? _

"I said for you to be quiet...do you want me to slap you, Mr funny bunny?"

_No... _

"Aww...you're so cute and fluffy, like a cloud!"

_That's quite enough fun for one day, Zelda. _Wolf-Link stuttered nervously as she started snuggling him. _How about we go inside, away from all these people? _

"You mean marshmallows, don't you?" The princess said, sternly.

_Um...yeah. That's exactly what I meant. _

"Good."

Zelda stood up, collapsed, and stood up again. Wolf-Link tried to stand up, but the five year old still refused to let him. Zelda staggered over to the toddler and delivered a mean kick, causing them to do a double back flip in the air and crash into a pile of crates.

"Silly marshmallow..." She muttered, watching the crowd rush over to where the toddler was lying. Wolf-Link jumped to his feet, hoping that Zelda wasn't going to do the same to him. Instead, the princess picked him up, snuggling him tightly.

"I want you to be my new teddy bear!" She squealed, falling over again.

_Um...OK. But we'd better get inside your castle first, before the marshmallows come and attack us._ Said the wolf, trying to play along.

"You're right!" Zelda gasped, staggering quickly towards the door of her castle. Once she and wolf-Link had finally made it all the way to her room, two hours had passed.

_OH! I almost forgot. Midna's being anti social, do you have a cure for that? _

"Who's Midna? Is that the one that keeps trying to eat me?"

_I...don't think so... _

"Oh. That's probably my dad or something...now where was I?"

_Helping Midna? _

"Where's Midna?"

_The thing on my back, the one that looks dead. _

"I see...I know what will make it happy again!"

_What? _

"I'll put my soul inside it!"

_I don't think that's a very good idea... _

"Don't talk to me like that Mr funny bunny. You're being very rude!"

_But I-_ Wolf-Link was interrupted by a loud crash as Midna fell off his back. Zelda started laughing manically.

"THAT WAS SO FUNNY!" She squealed.

"Ugh...Zelda? Is that you?" Gasped Midna.

"NO! Stop being silly, I am the muffin princess."

_OMG! Midna...you've changed colour! _Wolf-Link said.

"That's because...I'm dying..."

_But it suits you! You look approximately 50% more fabulous. _

"Can I put my soul inside you?" Asked Zelda.

"I don't...know-" Midna started.

"IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!"

"Fine...then...if you...insist..."

"Yay!" Zelda squeaked. Bright yellow light filled the small room, blinding the player yet again. Midna started to float in the air and return to her normal colour. All the time Zelda was slowly disappearing, which was a great relief to wolf-Link who had narrowly escaped a serious glomping.

Finally, Zelda was gone and Midna was alive, which was exactly how it should have been. The player cheered, despite the fact that they were still temporarily blind. It was safe to say that everyone was happy and relieved. That was, until Midna opened her eyes and started laughing manically.

"I CAN FLY!" She squealed. Then her attention turned to a very frightened wolf-Link. "Hello, Mr funny bunny, did you miss me?"

_AH! No...stay away you drunk! _

"You're so cute...I want to eat you!"

_Midna! You wrecked the scene...it was supposed to be awesome... _

"Awesome...?"

_You were supposed to float down in an awesome way and then stare at the camera awesomely and then do an awesome back flip in the air... _

"Stupid bunny..." Sighed Midna. "Ooh...a door! Let's go..."

_Midna, that's a wall... _

"Ow! Stupid door...why won't it let me through?" Midna complained, continuing the head-but the wall. Wolf-Link realised that he was going to have to find a way of sobering her up again. Suddenly, he had a pretty good idea.

_I'm pregnant Midna...AND ZANT...ZANT IS THE FATHER! _

"What...? Zant...ZANT...RAPING MY LINKY MUFFIN???" Midna gasped, passing out immediately. When she woke up, she found that she had the worst hangover since alcohol was invented.

"Am I dead? Why do I feel like I'm dead?"

_Midna! You're not drunk... _

"I don't remember drinking anything...did I drink something? Don't let me go near alcohol ever again..."

_That wasn't actually your fault. Zelda...well...you're not gonna like this... _

"Just tell me!"

_Zelda put her soul inside you...or something like that. _

"HOLY SHITE! How do I get it out again?"

_I don't think you can... _

"NOOOOO! Aww...and it made me mess up by big scene."

_Um...we have another problem. I'm kinda stuck as a wolf. _

"But you look so cute and fluffy as a wolf...I mean, yeah. That's a big problem."

_I think it's something to do with that badge Zant put on my head. _

"Which means we need to go to the sacred realm! Ah...where did that come from?"

_Zelda knows the whole plot, right? So now she's inside you, we know exactly where we need to go! _

"Finally, one advantage of having Zelda's soul inside me...I'm starting to get alcohol cravings, though."

_Don't you dare...don't you friggin dare... _

"Let's just go before I drink something and start trying to rape you." Midna smirked, back flipping onto wolf-Link's back to give the chapter a more satisfying end.

* * *

Hope you liked that chapter (points to snack bars and cookie gun). My computer kept being annoying so it took me a while to write that, but I still managed to update slightly earlier than usual...weird. Oh well, chapter 16 will come at some point, but I can't be exactly sure when. Hopefully within next week, though.

* * *


	16. Ahh! Midget things on steroids!

A big apology to everybody who was waiting for the next chapter! It was evil of me not to update when you made the effort to read and review. I would start my own cookie delivery service if I could and deliver cookies to you all to make up for it (I wouldn't forget oatmeal raisin for DynturaDJ). Anyway, you're probably getting bored of this, so let's start the next chapter. (The format for this one is slightly different at the start but it will change back to normal again at some point in the chapter).

* * *

News Reporter 1: Welcome to Hyrule news at ten with me, Dill Do.

News Reporter 2: And me, Dick Weed.

News reporter 1: Up first, the player of The legend of Zelda, Twilight Princess, is confirmed to have dropped their third bag of cheese balls this week. It happened when they saw Link dancing to 'Love Shack' in a cheer leading outfit. They have reported to have been 'deeply disturbed and mentally scarred for life' and they 'hope it doesn't happen again' otherwise they're definitely getting a refund.

News Reporter 1: Breaking news! Link has finally gone through puberty. Yes Kids, that means he doesn't sound like a woman any more!

News Reporter 2: Wow, Dill. That's quite something, but it's not the only breaking news. Toon Link is starring in an all new DS adventure, Spirit Tracks!

News Reporter 1: I think I speak for everyone when I say, SINCE WHEN DID LINK KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A FUCKING TRAIN?!?

News Reporter 2: Let's ask him!

(The screen switches to Toon Link in his train)

News Reporter 1: Hey, midget kid, when did you learn to drive a train?

Toon Link: Train? What train?

News reporter 2: The one you're driving.

Toon Link: Oh..._that _train. You could have been more specific about it!

News reporter 1: So, did you get some kind of train driving lessons after Twilight Princess?

Toon Link: Um...no. Wait...I'm driving a train? SINCE WHEN DID I START DRIVING A TRAIN?

News reporter 2: Don't ask me!

News reporter 1: You do realise you're heading for a cliff, right?

Toon Link: What cliff? Oh _that _cliff...now, what was I about to say? Oh yeah,WHERE ARE THE FUCKING BRAKES? AUGH!!!

News reporter 2: Heh...this is a family show, so we'd better stop watching that...

(View of toon Link on train disappears.)

News reporter 1: Now, let's get back to Twilight princess, where Link and Midna are making their way to the sacred grove. Doesn't that sound thrilling?

News reporter 2: I'd rather watch Toon Link go off the edge of a cliff and get turned into a Toon Link milkshake...

News reporter 1: Sounds tasty...BUT I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!!!

(View switches back to Link and Midna just before news reporters start trying to kill each other.)

Link and Midna were slightly confused, probably because they had asked a monkey for directions. It had been Link's idea of course, and he couldn't understand why it hadn't worked.

"Why couldn't we have just asked the dude with the afro?" Complained Midna. Wolf-Link rolled his eyes.

_I already told you Midna, I'm ALLERGIC to afros. _

"Yeah right! You just wanted to ask the monkey because you want to get in bed with it and make me jealous."

_You're so paranoid Midna, I never said that, anyway. _

"I can read your thoughts."

_Damn! I knew there was a flaw in my plan somewhere! _

"Can't we ask somebody else for directions? The monkey doesn't make any sense."

_But I'm supposed to understand animal language because I'm an animal. I talk to them all the time in the real game... _

"And I bet you make love with them as well..."

_I never said that! _

"I can read your thoughts. I know you did it."

_Damn! _

"Things could be worse...at least you didn't get impregnated by Zant."

_Shame...I mean, who would want to be impregnated by Zant? I mean, it would have been impossible really, seeing that I'm a man!_

There was a very long, awkward silence.

_Was it something I said? _

"You know what? I think we should move on."

_Don't change the subject, Midna! _

"Subject? What subject? Heh...so, is the monkey making sense yet?"

_It hasn't been making sense for the last five hours. I don't see why it should start making sense now. _

"Screw the monkey-"

_If you say so! _

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT! I mean, kill the monkey and we'll find our own way..."

Before wolf-Link could reply, the monkey dived into his invisible storage space, grabbed his entire porn comic collection and sped away with it.

_COME BACK YOU LITTLE DICKWEED! THAT'S MY PORN!!! _Exclaimed wolf-Link, immediately giving chase.

"LINK! Get back here, you porn-loving shemale!" Yelled Midna, before realising that it was no use. He definitely wasn't coming back. Instead of waiting, she decided to go follow him. She was amazed to find that wolf-Link had somehow made his way over several endless pits in the ground that looked almost impossible to jump over. After of gliding over more endless pits that looked impossible to jump over, she found him wrestling with the monkey.

"Since when could you jump that far?" She asked.

_Since the monkey stole my porn..._Growled wolf-Link, tugging the box of comics from the monkey's grasp. The monkey looked quite depressed, so wolf-Link decided to give him a present.

_Let's just say...that this is a thank you gift for being such an annoying little git._ He smirked, pulling out a bomb. The monkey snatched it from him and started hopping up and down excitedly, admiring the fact that it was shiny.

_But that isn't the best part, no the best part is when it blows up and kills you!_

The monkey kept on hopping up and down excitedly.

"Come on you monkey-hating terrorist, we're going through this ridiculously convenient passage that probably leads to the sacred grove."

_Which ridiculously convenient passage?...Oh THAT ridiculously convenient passage..._ Said wolf-Link, looking in front of him._ You could have been more specific! _

"Do you want to get blown up with the monkey?"

_OK, OK, I'm coming._

As wolf-Link and Midna made their way through the passage, there was an explosion and something that sounded like a monkey being blown up by a time bomb.

_Now that's entertainment! _

"It wasn't funny Link! That was an innocent creature!"

_Yeah, an innocent creature that stole my porn! _

"Since that was a pretty awesome comeback, I'll let you off this time, but no more monkey destroying, OK?"

_Aw...you're so boring, Midna. _

"Hey, look, we're here."

_Where? _

"The sacred grove!"

_Oh...that place._ Wolf-Link said, looking around._ I dunno, I kinda expected it to be more...sacred looking. _

"Same...hey look, there's a midget thing holding a trumpet! Let's go ask it why the music sucks here!" Midna exclaimed, floating over to the weird midget thing that was standing in front of a tree. But before she could reach it, it started to laugh manically before disappearing.

_Whoa...I think that dude's on steroids. _

"I think he's on something much more powerful than steroids, Link..." Midna gasped.

Suddenly, awful trumpet music echoed around the sacred grove, causing the player to drop their bag of cheese balls again.

_I bet that thing couldn't even play the trumpet on Wii Music. _

"This isn't the sacred grove, this is the grove that has weird midget people on steroids who can't play the trumpet to save their lives."

_I think I'll agree with you on that one... _

"Link...you know I told you not to use bombs anymore..."

_But you only told me not to use them on monkeys. _

"And this dude isn't a monkey, is he?"

_I still don't get what you're trying to tell me. _

"Basically, BLOW THE DAMN THING UP!"

_YAY! Now where did I put my weapons of mass destruction...? _

One midget on steroids destroying later, and wolf-Link was trying to ask it for directions, despite the fact that it was dead.

_Don't act stupid with me, Mr midget on steroids. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! _

There was no reply.

_Why does everybody act so anti social around me? _

"Because you're a freak of nature."

_I'm not a freak of nature! Prove it! _

"Well...you're a human that randomly turns into a wolf, you're a cross-dressing shemale pyromaniac elf, your ears are so pointy that people get scared just looking at them, you have three fathers, you sound like a woman on helium, your outfit is so yesterday and you have a fetish for blowing up monkeys."

_Are you done yet? _

"I could write a book about why you're a freak of nature, but since I love you...I mean, I'm your friend...I mean you're my slave, I think that it would be a very mean thing to do. Plus you wouldn't invite me to your party if I did."

_You've got a point there, anyways, where was I...? Oh yeah! I'm interrogating this midget on steroids. _

"He's dead, Link."

_Just because I blew him up with a missile and then a time bomb and then used up all 300 bullets I had in my machine gun shooting him, doesn't mean that he's dead! _

"I think he is, Link."

_Quiet Midna, you're ruining my concentration. So, midget thing, if you don't give me directions in five seconds, I'll confiscate your trumpet and throw my teddy at you. _

The midget thing jumped to it's feet and immediately gave wolf-Link directions, before dying again.

_I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK! _

"This game is so messed up..." Sighed Midna. "Come on then, let's go..."

* * *

And that concludes chapter 16! I'd like to take this moment to say: Watch Yu-Gi-Oh abridged on Youtube, it's even funnier than watching Toon Link fall of the edge of a cliff inside a train!You'll notice that I've stolen quite a lot of jokes from it, so I thought that it would only be fair if recommended it. Anyways, next chapter will be coming at some point. Hope you liked this one! 


	17. The door of destiny

Yay! I managed to stay alive long enough to get this chapter finished. Thanks to the people who reviewed last time, if it wasn't for you then this story would have fallen down a hole/ been crushed by a giant lawnmower/ curled up in a ball and died, including me. Anyway, hope you like this one.

* * *

Two solid-looking guards were the only things standing in wolf-Link and Midna's way. They were standing in front of a large door, a door that hid behind it Link's destiny awaited. Wolf-Link decided that asking them politely to move would be a good idea.

_Hey, fat heads! Move your giant butts before I slap you! _He exclaimed.

Both guards turned their gazes towards wolf-Link.

"Link! That wasn't very nice..." Midna said nervously.

_YOUR FACE ISN'T VERY NICE! _

"Your monkey's cornflakes aren't very nice!"

_Did...did you just insult my monkey's cornflakes? _

"So what if I did?"

_Well, I don't think that your chimpanzee's rice crispies are very nice! _

"YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT."

_Oh yes I did, girlfriend! _

"Then you must have a death wish..."

_You're the one that's going down!_

The guards stepped in just as wolf-Link and Midna were about to start killing each other over monkey's breakfast cereals .

"Whoa, sisters! This is totally NOT cool!" Said one of them. "Instead of being violent, how about you play with this nice dolly?"

The other guard placed a freaky-looking dolly on wolf-Link's back.

"But...can't we just kill each other instead?" Midna complained.

"NO!" Yelled one of the guards. "You have fun now children, oh just one more thing: it's not potty trained yet."

_Crap..._Squeaked wolf-Link.

"Oh!" Said the other guard. "It knows certain key words like crap, but I wouldn't say that, because if you do then it will..."

Wolf-Link didn't need to hear the rest of the sentence, probably because he was now covered in dolly shit.

"...do that." The guard continued. "It's quite impressive really."

_Yeah...really impressive... _

"Anyway, we'd better get moving."

_Where do you think you guys are going? _

"Toilet break. Haven't had one in fifteen years...I'd rather stay with the dolly if I were you."

"HA!" Laughed Midna. "You got owned by a toy!"

_It's not funny...IT'S NOT FUNNY! _

"Just because it happened to you doesn't mean it isn't funny. Actually, it kinda makes it more funny!"

_You don't want to me to explode with elf-rage, do you? _

But before Midna could think of a smart ass line to reply, the doll's eyes lit up.

"Explode..." It muttered creepily.

"Link, you don't think that 'explode' was one of the words it recognises do you?" Midna asked. But wolf-Link didn't need to ponder on the matter, probably because the doll was already starting to count down.

"Five seconds until self destruction...four..." Continued the doll.

_HOLY SHITE! What do I do??? _

"PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON!!!"

_What panic button?!? _

"I DON'T KNOW!!!"

"...two..."

Wolf-Link tipped the doll off his back, picked it up in his teeth and flung it at the door.

"...one..."

A fiery orange explosion shattered the door, accompanied by the sound of a doll self-destructing.

"Now I know what to get you for Christmas!" Midna smirked.

_That was possibly the scariest moment of my life... _

"I think that almost getting flattened by a stripper in a post van was worse."

_We'd better go through the door before another toy tries to assassinate us... _

So wolf-Link and Midna made their way through the doorway, being careful of any ninja teddies. The area was completely empty apart from one thing. It was in the middle of the room, just asking for attention.

_Why is there a giant dildo_ _stuck in the ground? _

"Where? I don't see one."

_In the middle of the room! That thingy... _

"That thingy...is supposed to be your destiny."

_Great...I don't even want to guess what my destiny might be. _

"I don't think it's a dildo, I think it's supposed to be a sword."

_A sword? Why does that sound familiar...? _

"There's one on your back."

_Ahh! Don't tell me it's a fangirl! It's a fangirl isn't it? _

"It isn't trying to rape you! You use it to kill people."

_Kill people? I didn't use my sword to kill people though... _

"What did you use it for?"

_NOTHING! NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! _

"Right...well you'd better go pull that sword out of the ground, fulfil your destiny, all that crap."

_It's not easy to pull a sword out of the ground when you're a wolf, you know!_

"Well...go sniff it or something."

_But what if another dog peed on it? _

"Do you want to fulfill your destiny?"

_Not really. _

"GO SNIFF THE DAMN THING ANYWAY!"

_Aw...don't want to... _

"You'll be stuck as a wolf forever. You'll get raped by wolf fan girls..."

_Don't care...don't want to sniff the dildo... _

"If you don't, then I'll tip your monkey's cornflakes on the floor!"

_You wouldn't..._ Gasped wolf-Link, only to find that Midna was already holding the bowl. _Please don't...my pet monkey is too young to die from...cornflake spillage!_

"Go and sniff the sword, and maybe your pet monkey's breakfast cereal will be spared."

Wolf-Link sped over to the purple thing in the middle of the area, lowering his snout carefully towards it. Suddenly, the evil forces of invisibleness (e.g. nothing) sent wolf-Link toppling backwards. The screen filled with white light again, which should have annoyed the player.

However, a long time ago, the player had stopped eating cheese balls for five minutes to go and buy some sunglasses, which was pretty clever considering the fact that they never seemed to go to school. Now, sunglasses had become an essential piece of survival equipment when playing Twilight Princess, along with the cheese ball wrist strap (think Wii remote wrist strap, but on a packet of cheese balls). The player was later awarded an Oscar for this ground-breaking invention.

ANYWAY the light faded to reveal Link, not as a beast, but as a fully grown shemale in an elf costume.

"YAY!" He squealed. "I'm a man again!"

There was another very long, awkward silence.

"Was it something I said?" Asked Link.

"MOVING ON..." Exclaimed Midna. "The Zant badge has been removed from your brain, meaning you're not trapped as a wolf any more!"

"How did that happen?"

"Absolutely no idea..."

"Why are you hiding a scalpel behind your back?"

"I'M NOT! It's my uh...toothbrush..."

"Oh...looks like a pretty sharp toothbrush!"

"Hmm...this Zant badge is a serious safety hazard, we should get rid of it."

"It doesn't look that dangerous to me."

"It has a picture of Zant's face on it, of course it's a dangerous."

"That was very rude...I think Zant is pretty!"

"YOU WHAT?"

"It was something I said, wasn't it?"

"You can't like Zant! YOU'RE MY LINKY MUFFIN! ALL MINE!!! I mean, Zant is a baddy, Link, you can't fall in love with the baddies, otherwise they'll eat you!"

"Eat me? That's the most pathetic excuse I ever heard! The Zant badge could be useful, anyway. Every time I touch it I turn into a wolf, so now I can turn into a wolf any time I like."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE KEEPING IT! Look...the edges are pointy, you could get a serious prick injury from that!"

"Well if you're going to carry on being pathetic, I'm going to go and fulfill my destiny!"

"Fine, I'll just start pouring your monkeys cornflakes on the floor..."

"FINE! SEE IF I CARE!" Link yelled, before marching over to the master sword. He grabbed the handle and pulled as hard as he could, but nothing actually happened. After ten minutes of struggling, he looked over at the depressed imp, who was miserably pouring cornflakes onto the ground.

"Um...Midna. Do you think I could have a bit of h-"

"NO!"

"Oh...OK then..." Said Link, making his way back to the sword. Another ten minutes passed, in which Link miserably failed to pull the sword from the ground again.

"Midna...please..."

"NO!"

"PLEEEAASSE?"

"NO!"

"I'll buy your chimpanzee a new box of rice crispies...with a picture of the sugar puff hippo on the front!"

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" Midna sighed, gliding quickly over to the master sword. "Are you sure you want me to do this for you?" She asked.

"It's not as if anyone's actually watching me steal the credit from you in exchange for a box of rice crispies, is it?"

"Apart from all the players."

"They're half brain dead, they don't count."

Midna sighed grumpily again, before pulling the master sword out and handing it to Link.

"Phew, that thing is HEAVY!" Link gasped, almost dropping it.

"It didn't seem that heavy when I pulled it out."

"I'm stronger than Chuck Norris! I could kick your ass at sword fighting any day!"

"Where did you get that from?"

"I dunno...I think I made it up..."

"That pretty much explains everything! Well, we'd better move on. There are giant canons to be fired from, deserts to be crossed, emos to be found."

"Seriously?"

"They're all true."

"I don't want to find any more emos...they're scary."

"Trust me, what else you'll find at Telma's bar is much more scary."

"Telma's bar? Isn't that in castle town?"

"Yes."

"NOOO!"

"I just have one more question before we head there, do you even own a pet monkey?"

"HA! Of course I own a pet monkey!!! Wait...no...I think I blew him up."

"So all our arguments in this chapter were a complete waste of time?"

"Yep."

"Oh well, THEY WERE FUN!"

"Can we make up now?"

"NO! I'm still mad at you about the Zant badge thing. Maybe in the next chapter."

"Yay!"

* * *

OK, I'm kinda being rushed here (not by you guys, by someone at home) so I have to end the chapter quickly. Hopefully I can make the next chapter slightly longer, and it will probably be up some time in the following week.


	18. 3Kids wreck the show

Thanks to the people who reviewed the last chapter! (I'm not including my sister's review because it was eeevil!!! How could she threaten to drop Bluey down the lav???) This time I actually can't think of any reason to waste valuable seconds of your lifetime, so on with the chappie!

* * *

"Hey look, an apple!" Exclaimed Midna to a VERY unhappy Link.

"Don't want an apple...don't want to be in Castle town ...want to go home!"

"You don't have a home."

"Yeah I do! It's in Ordon village I think..."

"Um...about that...I kinda gave Malo permission to demolish it..."

"WHAT??? WHY?"

"I dunno...I thought it would be funny! Anyway, you get to live in a cardboard box now."

"Yay..." Growled Link unenthusiastically. "Just what I needed to cheer me up."

"But...it has two floors and garage!" Said Midna, pulling out a photo of three small cardboard boxes strapped together with sellotape. A picture of a window was scrawled on the outside of one of them. "You could see a lot out that...if it wasn't made out of cardboard..."

Link didn't reply, he just stared at the photo of his new home.

"It has furniture too!" Midna continued, throwing a cushion at Link's head, almost knocking him out. "But that's all you get. Cushions don't come cheap these days, ya know."

"Brilliant." Hissed Link, trying not to explode. "How am I meant to use the garage? I don't really have a car do I?"

"But the postman pat stripper guy does..."

"I AM NOT LENDING MY GARAGE TO HIM!"

"Too late, he already took it."

"WTF???"

"He said that he wanted to become closer to you, and I thought that this was the perfect chance to encourage some social engagement."

"More like 'love making' if you ask me."

"Hey, you're lucky I decided to waste five minutes of my time making a new home for you! It used up a lot of my sellotape!"

"SCREW YOUR FREAKIN SELLOTAPE! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX LIKE ZANT!"

"Oh, so you don't appreciate my hard work do you?"

"NOT REALLY!"

"How could you be so evil?"

"I'll tell you what's evil, the fact that you let a psycho toddler demolish my house!!!" Link screamed, drawing his sword for the first time in the whole game. Unfortunately for him, a group of people in teddy costumes suddenly burst into castle town and tackled him to the ground. The player was even more confused when the picture on their screen disappeared only to be replaced with one word: CENSORED.

Meanwhile, the teddies started beating the ever-living crap out of poor Link, who was also being painfully crushed underneath them. When they finally released him, the player's screen returned to normal.

"Who...who are you?" Questioned Midna. At this, the people removed their teddy costumes, revealing three midget-sized children.

"We-" Smiled one of them "-Are 3Kids."

DRAMATIC PAUSE!!!!

"What? Isn't it supposed to be 4Kids?" Asked Link.

"Well, one of the kids that was running the company with us died. Somebody threw a squidgy chainsaw at his head, which killed him instantly."

"Ouch." Gasped Midna.

"We kinda got bored of ruining anime, so decided to ruin one of the most popular Zelda titles instead."

"Oh, that _really_ explains why you tried to kill me..." Huffed Link.

"You were showing aggressive and potentially violent behaviour, do you know what kind of effect that can have on children?" Stated one of the three kids.

"But you used aggressive and violent behaviour against me."

"We were in teddy costumes, we had an excuse!"

"So, are you gonna leave or what?" Sighed Midna. "Link and I are kinda trying to have an argument."

"SHE SAID THE FORBIDDEN WORD!" Chanted the kids.

"What word?"

"The A word..."

"Argument?"

"DON'T SAY IT! Do you have any idea that the A word can stimulate violence?"

"Look, I'm sure Link wasn't trying to stab me, he just got a bit upset-"

"I _was_ trying to stab you, though!" Said Link. Midna growled at him.

"Now now children, you don't want to give us an excuse to put the teddy costumes back on do you?"

Link and Midna both quivered in fear and shook their heads.

"Excellent... now my comrades, let's get to work. We have a game to censor!"

Two whole days later and 3Kids had finally finished making Link safer. Link's elf costume had been replaced with a padded one that made him look like the result of two marshmallows breeding. His hat had been officially classified as 'too pointy' so had been replaced by a bowl. Instead of the Master sword, he now had 'the Master sponge' and his machine gun had been turned 'invisible' to protect the delicate eyes of the player. The pointy part of Link's ears had been made 'invisible' too so that the player didn't get nightmares about being impaled on them. Even after all this though, Link was sure that they had missed the most disturbing thing about him.

"Ha! You forgot to censor my voice!" He yelled at them.

"Actually, we censored that ages ago. How else do you think the rest of the characters could have survived?"

"What??? But I can still hear it!"

"Haven't you noticed that it sounds slightly more manly?"

"Not really..."

To emphasise their point, one of the three kids pulled out a tape recorder.

"This is what your old voice sounded like when you saw Ilia raping your horse." Said the kid, pressing play. The scream that followed was so high pitched that an apple in one of the nearby stalls grew legs and ran away.

"Wow..." Said Link. "That's something you don't see everyday!"

"Indeed." Said one of the kids, removing their extra-soft earplugs. "Coming to think of it, that was probably the most disturbing apple I've ever seen, we should definitely censor it."

"My new voice can't make apples run away, can it?"

"No."

"Aww! That's so unfair..."

"Well, that's the way the teddy decomposes, sonny-"

"Isn't it meant to be 'cookie crumbles'?

"All of our catchphrases are grammatically efficient and involve teddies, DEAL WITH IT!"

"OK..." Squeaked a terrified Link. Instead of hanging round with a bunch of kids that were almost as creepy as the Ordon village ones, he decided to look for Midna, who seemed to have disappeared.

"Midna? Where are you??? DON'T HIDE FROM ME!" He yelled as he made his way around castle town.

There was no reply.

"Come on, I don't look that bad, do I?"

"You look like a marshmallow from out of space that got mixed with Ronald Mc Donald on the way back home." Came a voice from behind him.

"There you are!" He exclaimed, turning round, only to find that there was nobody there. "Wait...are you invisible?"

There was a sad sniff, followed by a miserable 'yes'.

"It was 3Kids, wasn't it?"

"They said...they said that everything about me was scary to children..." Midna sobbed.

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Link exclaimed, before remembering what Midna was like when she was drunk. "Well...maybe it is..."

"Link...do you find me scary?"

"No...not at all!" He lied.

"Aww! You're the best slave ever!" She squealed, trying to fit her imp-sized arms around him in a hug- which was an epic fail. "I know, we should destroy 3Kids, then I'll become visible again...hopefully."

"Good idea...Let's start making a plan."

"Screw the plan, I have a giant lawnmower!"

"And I have a SPONGE!"

"Let's do this thing!"

The 3Kids group was sitting at a large table, discussing why they needed to stop the production of squidgy chainsaws due to the deaths that they had caused. When marshmallow Link and invisible Midna arrived at the door, a bodyguard said that Link's shoes were too evil-looking and told him to go buy a pair of slippers instead.

"Are you telling me that my stilettos aren't fabulous enough?"

"I am indeed sir, now if you would kindly piss off..."

"You bitch!" He squealed, elf-slapping the bodyguard.

"AUGH! IT BURNS!"

"I still got it..." Smirked Link. "You're good to go in, Midna."

But the giant lawnmower was nowhere to be seen, and for a moment Link thought that 3Kids might have censored it. But there was a sudden crash as the lawnmower literally mowed through one of the walls instead of going through the door.

"CENSOR THIS!" The infuriated imp yelled at 3Kids, before flooring the accelerator and flattening them all.

One uncensored gore scene later and Link was wielding his sponge, ready to throw it at anyone who tried to get back up again, despite the fact that they were all dead.

"What is it with you and threatening dead people?" Sighed a now visible Midna.

"Just because you ran them over about six hundred times with a giant lawnmower doesn't mean they're dead!" Replied Link.

"Come on, we're leaving. We were supposed to be at Telma's bar at the start of the chapter."

"We were? OH YEAH! Didn't you say that there was something scary in there?"

"I did, but I don't think it's as scary as 3Kids."

"I'd say they were more like 3Deadbodies now... HA! THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!!!!"

"Dream on, marshmallow kid. Plus, I still haven't forgiven you for the Zant badge thing."

"Just because I think Zant would look great in Lycra, I mean, because I wanted to keep the Zant badge, doesn't mean I prefer him over you!"

"Seriously?"

"I was kidding."

"I OFFICIALLY HATE YOU!"

"WELL I OFFICIALLY HATE YOU!"

So Link and Midna started yet another pointless argument as they left the 3Kids building. But little did they know that this wasn't the end of the company, it was only the beginning...

* * *

That's right people, more 3Kids to come! Well, hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it (Even if it did take me ages...) next chapter will be up in the future, but I don't have a clue when.


	19. The attack of the ninja cuccos

YAY! I feel really motivated right now, thanks to all your kind and awesome reviews, and am going to try and make this chapter as hilarious as possible (I can't guarantee it will be though, but I'll try.) I'm glad that ganondwarf noticed my...eh..._deliberate_ mistake at the end of the last chapter... *laughs nervously*. ANYWAY, I thinks it's time I started this thing!

* * *

When Link and Midna reached Telma's bar, it wasn't surprising that they were still having the same pointless argument that had started at the end of the last chapter.

"I OFFICIALLY HATE YOU SIX MILLION TIMES PLUS A RETARDED SQUIRREL AND A RANDOM PARANOID BEAR!" Link yelled. "HA! RISNED! OWNED!!"

"I don't think I'm ever gonna win this..." Sighed Midna. "BUT I STILL OFFICIALLY HATE YOU MORE PLUS YOUR GRANNY IN A FATHER CHRISTMAS OUTFIT!"

"Whoa...that image is strangely erotic!"

"Don't you know it! That's got to mean I win."

"Fine...just because we're friends...but I still owned you with my last comeback."

"Come on, since when was 'plus a retarded squirrel' a comeback?"

"IT WAS EVER SINCE...I DUNNO...TWO SECONDS AGO!"

"NO IT WASN'T!"

The player sighed, in the time Link and Midna spent having pointless arguments they could probably have gone on a five year holiday on the moon and come back with a fairly decent sun tan. Luckily, the author had finally decided that enough was enough, and come up with a slightly awesome idea to stop the argument.

The player realised just how insane the author was when they saw a cucco army marching up to the arguing pair.

"Fools!" The leader exclaimed. "Prepare to face the wrath of the cucco!"

Link and Midna carried on arguing.

"Listen to me!!!" It squealed.

Link and Midna carried on arguing.

"That's it, you're all f*cking dead!" Yelled the cucco, putting on it's ninja cucco outfit. The rest of the cuccos did the same, all turning to face Link, who finally shut the hell up and turned round just in time to see seven hundred ninja stars being aimed at him.

"Crap! I mean, wow...heh...I don't suppose anyone feels like telling me what the hell is going on?"

"Nope."

"Nice outfits by the way. You're like, hot stuff!"

There was no reply, except the piercing glare of seven hundred ninja cuccos.

"It was a joke by the way..." Link added. Suddenly the ninja stars were speeding towards him. However, Link's super padded outfit came with added ninja star protection, and the weapons bounced harmlessly off him.

"HA! YOU SUCK MY GRANNY'S MANLY PARTS!"

"Too much information, Link..." Midna gasped, now mentally scarred for life. The ninja cucco army didn't look phased by the fact that their weapons had failed OR that Link's granny might have been a man. They simply pulled out machine guns.

"That's against the ninja rules!" Complained Midna.

"Screw the ninja rules, we have weapons of mass destruction!"

"GET TO COVER!" Screamed Link as the cuccos opened fire. The most obvious way to safety was through the door to Telma's bar, which meant that the author's plan didn't fail completely like it should have done. As the terrified pair made their way through it, their eyes fell upon a table at the back of the room with three people sitting round it. For some reason, they all looked creepily familiar. Instead of going up to the people and asking them annoying questions, Link decided to go and annoy the Barmaid instead. But as soon as his eyes moved to her torso, the inevitable happened.

"HOLYBLEEP! Cleavage!!!" He squealed.

"It's burning my eyes!" Complained Midna, before her attention turned to something else. "Wait...this is a bar...so that behind you must be...ALCOHOL!!!"

"No! Stay away, bad imp! BAD!"

Link's commands couldn't stop Zelda's soul from giving the imp serious alcohol cravings. He realised that it was pointless trying to stop Midna now, so decided to make conversation with the Barmaid instead while his companion got completely pissed.

"Hi! You look like someone who could tell me about the plot." He remarked.

"The plot? Who gives a damn about the plot? I'm in this for the men, really. You look awfully sexy in that marshmallow costume, by the way."

"Thanks! You look really sexy in that sumo outfit too!"

"I'm not wearing a sumo outfit."

"So you really are that fat?"

It wasn't difficult to guess why Link had suddenly flown across to the other side of the room and hit the wall with a painful thud. Midna snatched a quick glance at him, before starting on her third bottle of vodka. Two of the people at the table gave him emo glares before looking away again. However, the other person stood up and walked over to him.

"Hello old chap! Fancy a bit of help?"

"That...would be nice..." Squeaked Link.

"TOO BAD!" Yelled the man, kicking him in the stomach and walking back to the table.

"Man, I never knew that Harry Potter was such a bitch!"

"Just because I'm an annoying nerd doesn't mean I'm Harry Potter!" Protested the man.

"Oh yes it does!" Chorused everyone in the room.

"If you dare turn this into a pantomime then I'll Confund you all!"

"It's behind you!" Everyone chorused.

"Shut the hell up!"

"Harry, LOOK BEHIND YOU!" Everyone chorused.

"My name isn't Harry!!! It's Shad, for your information..."

"LOOK BEHIND YOU!!" Everyone screamed.

"What? It's not like an army of ninja cuccos are trying to break through that wall behind me and throw ninja stars at my head-" Shad collapsed before he finished the sentence, as the wall crumbled and the cuccos broke through.

"Don't worry!" Boomed Link. "Leave it to super marshmallow dude!"

He aimed his master sponge at the deformed chickens and hurled it with all the force he could could manage. Sadly, it bounced straight of them and hit him in the face.

"FOOLS!" Exclaimed the ninja cucco leader. "Our outfits are equipped with master sponge protection, how could you not have guessed??"

Link was too busy being attacked by his own sponge to reply. Midna however, dropped her fourth bottle of vodka and floated dizzily over to the infuriated cuccos.

"Hello? Are you guys here for the disco? Cuz we sold out of tickets like..." Midna tried to concentrate on counting, but soon gave up "...like ages ago..."

"What disco? Hey, is there a disco?" Squeaked the excited cuccos.

"Um...no...YES!! Wait...no...maybe..."

"Make up your freaking mind! We don't have all day!"

"Don't rush me, you PARSNIP! I'm trying to think of something...or something...YAY! FREE PARSNIPS! OMG I FORGOT THAT I LIKED PARSNIPS!" Squealed the frighteningly drunk imp, grabbing the nearest cucco and trying to eat it.

"I am NOT a parsnip!!!" It protested.

"Don't lie to me! Hang on...why am I talking to a parsnip? Oh well...IT'S FUN!"

The rest of the ninja cuccos, noticing that they were all about to be eaten, fled Telma's bar faster than Navi and steroids. Everyone sighed with relief apart from Shad, who was dead, and Link, who was still being attacked by a sponge. The two emos finally stopped stood up, throwing their pack of emos cards down onto the table, to go and help the struggling elf.

"Augh...the pain!" Link squealed "I think it's trying to suck by brains out or something."

"No dude, you're just holding onto it." Said one of the emos, pulling it off him.

"Oh...that explains everything."

"Pretty much. I have a name by the way, but since I'm a completely unnecessary and boring character I forgot what it was."

"Same." Sighed the other emo. "I don't even know what gender I am, and I don't really care."

"Wow! You guys are just like my granny!" Said Link.

"Oh. That's cool, I guess."

"It's cooler than cool, believe me-" Link stated, before being interrupted by Midna.

"HELLO? Where did the friggin' parsnips go? Aw...I hope they're safe outside...they might catch a disease in that cold!"

"It's the middle of summer." Telma reminded her.

"QUIET! Can't you see I'm trying to mourn the death of...what was I mourning the death of again? Oh well, I'm bored now. MORE DRINKS PLEASE, WAITRESS PERSON!"

"I don't think so! You and your elf-friend have insulted me enough today, I think it's time for you to leave!"

"Don't tell me what to do! I am the superior ruler of all parsnip world!"

"Come on Midna, the nice lady want us to leave..." Link said, grabbing her hand.

"Let me go, infidel! You non-believer of the parsnip religion!"

"Come on...you don't want me to sober you up again, do you?"

"SOBER?? I AM PERFECTLY SOBER!!!"

"We're going now, say goodbye to the nice lady." Link said worriedly, as he dragged Midna to the door.

"See you later, sumo person! Hope you and your cleavage have a merry Christmas!"

Link then pulled the imp outside quickly before Telma had time to chase after and kill them.

"God, you are so weird when you're smashed." He sighed.

"Smashed? Are you the bear smasher? Because I have a serious infestation of bear-fever in my attic..."

"My point is proved." Link growled. He felt disappointed because the trip to Telma's bar had been a complete waste of time. He wished Midna was sober again so she could tell him where to go next. Luckily for him, the answer to all his problems was approaching in the form of a little red post van. Much to his amazement (and horror) it zoomed down the steps and screeched to a halt in front of him.

Midna was shocked back to her senses as she watched Ilia jump out of the back of the van, carrying a stretcher along with the postman pat stripper guy.

Link tried to see who was on the stretcher, but they barged past him before he could take a look, and started knocking on the door to Telma's bar.

"Open up! This freaky fish guy needs urgent medical assistance!" Roared the postman. Link and Midna considered slipping away, but were too shocked and fascinated by what the hell was going on, and decided to stay and watch. One of the emo people answered the door with an unenthusiastic "What?" but was knocked over as Ilia and the postman pushed past him and dumped the stretcher down on the ground.

"Hey, What the f*ck is going on? This bar has a 'no freaks allowed' policy, which is why I kicked out the last two!" Telma complained.

"If this freaky fish guy doesn't get medical assistance soon, he'll die!"

"So you brought him to a bar, smart thinking Sherlock!"

"Where else were we meant to take him?"

"A doctor?"

"THAT'S A FREAKIN' GOOD IDEA!" Yelled Ilia. She turned round and her gaze fell upon a terrified Link.

"That marshmallow guy looks sexy...I want him to take the freaky fish guy to a doctor!"

Link was relieved that she didn't recognise him in the padded outfit, but couldn't be bothered to take some random dying fish to a doctor's surgery on the other side of Hyrule.

"Why do I have to do it? Why can't you just take him in your post van?"

"Because the post van can't get back up the steps, dummy!" Ilia huffed. "Come on then, what are you waiting for?"

Link knew he had no chance of winning an argument against Ilia, and reluctantly agreed to take the freaky fish guy with him to the doctors, even though he had a gut feeling that this was going to be one of the most annoying trips of his life...

* * *

I'd like to say at this point, that many of the awesome and random lines in this fic were inspired by the quotes of 6WilhelmBroon-Cherubfan (Most awesome slash fic writer, ever). If you love quirky humour and cute slash then visit his profile! Hope you liked this chapter, next one should be here in a little while.


	20. Annoying things part 2

Thanks to the people who reviewed chapter 19! If it weren't for your dedication then I would have literally bought a stick of dynamite and thrown it at my computer (fun times). OK, the annoying people are back, the freaky fish guy is still being freaky, Ilia…well, Ilia just speaks for herself…it's time to get chapter 20 on the road (and pray it doesn't get squashed by a little red post van). Oh, and one more thing…I couldn't resist putting a Christmas special at the end of the normal chapter, so this chapter will probably be double the length of a normal one.

* * *

Link, Ilia and Telma started walking towards some random cliff edge, before stopping as if they were expecting something convenient to happen.

"That was fun. AGAIN!!!" Link exclaimed after a few seconds of silence. Ilia gave him a piercing glare.

"Where's your horse? I thought you said she was here."

"She was…actually I think she ran away. She really doesn't like being raped that much, you know."

"Well I like raping her, that's all that matters! TELL HER TO COME BACK!"

"But I can't-"

"DO IT!!"

"Fine, but she really hates being called at this time." Link sighed, pulling out a mobile phone from his pocket and dialing a number. "Hi…yes it's me…hi Epona! What's going on in the crib bruvva? Aw, nice one, you got on with Geraldine after all that?"

"GERALDINE? WHO THE F*CK IS GERALDINE?" Roared Ilia.

"I think somebody's jealous…" Telma smirked.

"JEALOUS? I'M NOT JEALOUS!!! But I swear…that Geraldine is dead…"

"Do you guys mind? I'm on the phone here!" Link said, before continuing the conversation. "So Geraldine's the best in bed so far? Nice…"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Hissed Ilia.

"OK, OK! Sorry Epona, I've got to cut to the chase, basically, we need you down here in five minutes…"

"FASTER!" Ilia growled.

"Make that two minutes…see ya…kisses!" Link said, before snapping the phone shut. "So…what do we do in two minutes?"

"I vote we run Link over with a giant lawnmower!" Midna said, appearing from out of Link's shadow…or ass.

"I agree with the weird imp thing." Ilia huffed.

"Oh come on, that joke got old ages ago…how about we do something more original?" Asked Telma.

"Like impale him on a stick, along with Geraldine." Said Ilia.

"Not quite what I had in mind." Link said, now mentally scarred for life. "How about we just go and have a fabulous day out at a luxury spa?"

The expression on Ilia's face screamed 'go and burn in elf hell'. Luckily for everyone else, Epona turned up just in time to stop them all suffering her extreme rage.

"Hang on…we're going to need some kind of carriage to carry the freaky fish guy in." Link said.

"YOU CAN CARRY IT! NOW GO!" Ilia yelled, throwing the freaky fish guy at him. This sent Link flying backwards into Epona, who went into retarded horse mode and started thrashing around all over the place and kicking him furiously. When the horse finally calmed down, Link looked over to everyone else, only to find that they were all laughing manically at him, especially Ilia.

"That made coming down here actually worth it!" Said Telma. "DO SOMETHING ELSE STUPID!!"

"NO!" Link yelled, before accidentally walking into Epona who kicked him off the edge of the cliff, which caused everyone to burst out laughing again. A few seconds later he re-spawned at the top of the cliff, only to trip over the freaky fish guy and fall down a convenient hole.

"I could watch this all day, but we really don't have the time, plus we haven't got to the annoying part of the chapter yet." Midna said.

"You mean this ISN'T supposed to be annoying?" Questioned a re-spawned and pretty ticked-off Link.

"JUST ORDER A CARRIAGE ALREADY, I'M HORNY AND I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY RAPE SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!!!" Yelled Ilia, scaring an innocent tree frog nearby. Link quickly phoned 'Carriages 'R' us' and few minutes a carriage randomly appeared in front of them.

"That was convenient…um…Link…why is it pink?" Minda asked.

"THAT RHYMES!"

"Answer my question!"

"Well…pink's my favourite colour..."

"Why does it have love hearts on it then?"

"Um…I don't know…they probably just misheard me on the phone when I was telling them what I wanted it to look like…"

"Liar…" Midna growled. "Where did you get that phone anyway?"

"The author gave it to me, actually, it's her old one. She bought her new one from The Early Learning Centre; it has recorded voice messages from Thomas the Tank engine!"

"THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE?? No freakin' way! That guy is a legend!"

"I asked her if I could have that phone instead, but she's very protective over it."

"Who wouldn't be? Anyway, we'd better get moving. We don't want Ilia to rape something-" Midna realised it was too late when she noticed that Ilia was losing her already- lost virginity to the innocent tree frog.

"I don't think that tree frog will ever be innocent again…come on everybody, we're leaving."

Telma threw the freaky fish guy into the carriage, jumped inside it and grabbed the steering wheel.

"HANG ON A SECOND! Since when did carriages have steering wheels?" Link interrupted.

"Since the 21st century! Seriously elf boy, get with it!" Telma shouted from inside the carriage, before flooring the accelerator and speeding away.

"WAIT FOR ME!" Link yelled, jumping onto Epona (sounds wrong if you swap Link for Ilia). He looked behind him first, just to check that there were no little red post vans trying to run him over. Unfortunately for him, there was. "DAMMIT! GO GO GO!" He gasped.

"Don't tell me! You're the one who's supposed be driving this thing…I mean, horse!" Midna complained. Realising this, Link kicked Epona, who went insane again and started spinning in circles for no reason whatsoever. All this time, the little red post van was closing in.

"THIS CAR SUCKS! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE ORDERED A MINI!"

"Link, this is a horse!"

"I KNOW! It's the worst make ever!"

The post van was almost upon them, and Epona was still acting like a duck after dangerous amounts of alcohol.

"I think it's time we left this thing, Bond style!" Link said, performing an epic dive from Epona, before hitting an invisible wall and crumpling pathetically onto the ground.

"Now that was EPIC, EPIC FAIL! Seriously, I thought you would have learnt from last time you dived 'Bond style'!"

Link, pretending he hadn't heard what Midna had just said, picked himself up and looked for Epona to see if she was OK. When his eyes finally found her, he realised that OK was a serious understatement. She was flatter than a squished platypus that had been run over by Zelda driving a steamroller after too many drinks. She was even flatter than last time. His gaze turned to the little red post van, parked behind the horse pancake.

The postman stepped out, looking nervously at Link.

"Hi…I just brought you some letter-"

"YOU RAN OVER MY BLOODY HORSE…AGAIN!!!!"

"Um…I don't suppose a hug would make up for it?"

"No."

"Um…what about a kiss?"

"No."

"Maybe I should just clean the mess up?"

"No. I mean, yes!"

"Don't worry, Link. All characters re-spawn eventually…" Midna sighed as the postman went to get a bottle of squished horse cleaner (also works with ponies). As Postman Pat returned, he handed Link the letters.

"You should read these, they're very important." He said, sternly.

"Important? I usually just get letters from people who think they're getting raped by butterflies."

"These are much more important, believe me."

"Well, let's see." Link sighed, opening the first one. It read:

_I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES!!! _

_Lots and lots and lots of love and kisses and hugs_ _and huggles and special hugs and more kisses!!! _

_Lots of love: Anonymous person that is not a postman._

_P.S. This letter is definitely NOT from the postman. (MORE KISSES!!) _

"Thank God it isn't from the postman!" Link exclaimed.

"Yeah…" Midna sighed, trying to hide the sarcasm in her voice. Link looked at the other letter, which was just from someone who thought they were being raped by butterflies. The last one read:

_Merry Christmas and a jolly __spiffing__ New Year__ from everyone here at BARNES BOMBS! _

_Do you hate your pet monkey? _

_Is your breakfast cereal too boring? _

Have _you ever felt like annihilating the sugar puff hippo? _

_If the answer to any of these three is yes siree, then you'll need some of our weapons of mass destruction! That's right, we offer an astounding range of explosives from monkey-destroying grenades to nuclear bombs that will show that annoying hippo just who's boss! _

_BARNES BOMBS, because you can never have enough explosives... _

"Wow! That place sounds awesome...LET'S GO!"

"Hold on, aren't we supposed to be escorting the freaky fish guy to Kakariko village?"

"Barnes bombs is in Kakariko village! Besides, I really want an excuse to destroy the postman..."

"Meh, I guess that's a fair point." Midna shrugged, as Link sprinted over to the little red post van and ripped the door open. As soon as he and Midna were strapped safely into the two front seats (the road safety hedgehog would have been proud) Link quickly drove away, purposely trying to flatten Postman Pat.

"Hey Link, there's a fourth letter here!" Midna said, waving it in his face.

"I'm kinda trying to drive right now, you open it." He said.

"Fine, but I have a funny feeling that it's going to be-" The letter burst open before Midna could finish her sentence.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"

"-Annoying."

"Hello! Look! Hello! Look! Hello! Look! Hello! L-"

"YES NAVI…WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE HERE. PLEASE DON'T REMIND US." Link growled.

"LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!"

"Shut up Navi, you're distracting me from the road!"

"Link, I think she's trying to tell you that you're heading for a gate…"

"NO I'M NOT! I'm driving towards that…other thing…"

"That's a gate."

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT??"

Link swerved so that the van did a triple side roll and crashed into a nearby cow instead. The cow, clearly not amused by this, managed to scramble out from underneath the van and stick its head through the front window. Its expression screamed 'Go get a driver's license'. The following scene was not the kind of thing that a five year old would watch at their dolly's tea party.

When the cow had finally finished destroying everybody, it turned towards the gate leading to Kakariko village, and went to go and buy some bombs. Link opened the door of the van and collapsed on the grass outside. It wasn't long before Midna collapsed alongside him.

"Wow…this scene is surprisingly romantic…want to make out?" He asked.

"With an elf that's wearing a marshmallow costume…? Sure, why not?"

But because Link's luck always seemed to suck (it rhymes!) the cow came back with fifty time bombs and a monkey-destroying grenade just in time to save the player from throwing up.

* * *

OK, that was chapter 20. Now it's time for the Christmas part (I warn you children, it's pretty scary).

* * *

LINK SAVES…SORRY…I MEAN, RUINS CHRISTMAS-By Jeffrey the flying rabbit…I mean, Kattheamazing.

"_It was the night before Christmas,_

_and all through the house_

nothing was stirring

_not even a mouse-" _

"A MOUSE? EWW! TALK ABOUT UNHYGENIC!" Link squealed.

"Right, that's the last time I read you a Christmas poem!" Midna yelled, trying to throw the book of poems out of the cardboard window, but failing epically.

"I'm sorry, but seriously, they need to get themselves some rat poison."

"It said that there were no mice stirring, so they were probably already dead!"

"Oh, well that's all right then. Carry on reading."

"I'm not reading any more after that, you'll probably complain that Santa Claus is trying to rape the children."

"I thought he did that all the time!"

"WELL, HE DOESN'T!"

"OK, OK, don't get your knickers in a twist…"

"I'M NOT WEARING ANY!"

"I was meaning to ask you about that, why the hell don't you have underwear?"

"I don't know, there aren't any shops around here that sell any…even if there were, there's no door in this cardboard box that I could use to get out."

"This cardboard box is the worst home ever! How is Santa going to get down the chimney to deliver my porn magazines?"

"Please tell me you didn't ask for MORE porn magazines? They're taking up all of the space that's left!"

"Don't blame me, you're the one who let Malo demolish my house!"

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!"

Before Link could reply, there was the sound of crumpling cardboard as a fat dude landed on the top of the cardboard box and crushed it. Midna quickly warped them outside before they were flattened along with Link's home.

"What was that…?" Link wondered aloud as he tried to see who had crushed his house. The person looked dangerously overweight, was wearing a red outfit and had a white beard. "OMG…GRANNY? IS THAT YOU?"

"I think it's Santa, Link."

"LIAR! Wait…no, you're right. My granny's beard is longer..."

"Come on, let's see if he's OK."

As Link and Midna approached Santa, he sat up slowly, muttering things about reindeer on drugs.

"Hello? Santa? Are you alive?"

"OF COURSE I AM! What does it look like? You know, kids these days are so thick!"

"S-sorry…"

"DON'T APOLOGISE TO ME! Apologise to society!"

"Um…Midna…I don't get what he's talking about…"

"He's just being rude, ignore him!"

"You're just taking his side because you're on the naughty list!" Santa sneered.

"For what?"

"For abandoning your people, using Link to try and find the mirror of twilight, arguing with Santa…that sort of stuff…"

Midna was already holding her cookie gun by the time Santa finished.

"You want to know what I think of your naughty list?" She said in a tone that would probably scare Mr T. The next scene was too graphic to describe, but involved a lot of cookies and the annihilation of Santa Claus.

"Midna…you…you k-killed him…" Link said nervously, after inspecting the corpse closely for any signs of life.

"I KNOW, IT WAS FUN!"

"How are all of the innocent children going to get their presents now?"

"Uh…they could…buy them?"

"YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!"

"I did, didn't I? Oh well, since you're supposed to be the hero here, I vote that you dress up in Santa's outfit and go save Christmas again, since it's the only thing you're good for."

"Why me?"

"Because I said so, now go get an outfit!"

A few hours of searching the internet later and all Link had managed to buy was some red dye and a bauble to hang on the end of his hat.

"I guess it kind of works…if you close your eyes…" Midna sighed.

"But if we don't hurry, then the children won't have any presents!"

"Who gives a retarded squirrel about the children? I think we should go and steal all the presents for ourselves."

"But Epona's all dressed up and ready to fly!"

"Are you sure that just giving her steroids will make her fly?"

"As sure as hell! I remember the last time I gave them to her…ouch…"

Link bounded over to Santa's sleigh, hooked it to Epona's reigns and jumped inside.

"Aren't you forgetting the presents?" Midna asked, throwing an elephant-sized bag at him.

"Not any more…" He squeaked from underneath the load. "Now…how do I start this thing? I know! GO EPONA! GO…? Come on Epona…please?" Nothing happened.

"Hit the accelerator, dumbass!"

"There's an accelerator? Oh yeah, there is!" Link exclaimed as he pushed down on it, sending the sleigh into hyperspace.

"!" Link screamed as he tried to find the brake. When he finally did, the sleigh stopped dead in midair and started to plummet downwards towards the ground.

"Here, take this!" Midna said, handing him a spare cucco she had packed in case of emergencies.

"Thank the goddesses!" Link gasped, grabbing hold of it. "ABANDON SLEIGH!"

There were a few blissful seconds of silence as Link sailed slowly downwards, holding the cucco tightly. Then there was a loud crash from below that sounded like a sleigh demolishing a perfectly innocent household. Then there was the sound of a horse being demolished along with the perfectly innocent household.

"Whoops…" He muttered nervously to himself, steering his cucco in the other direction so nobody would notice that it was his fault. The cucco finally landed him on the roof of a different house with smoke pouring from the chimney.

"Thanks…" He said to the creepy-looking chicken. "I'm glad you aren't a ninja like those other cuccos…"

"I AM A NINJA!" It bellowed. "But I am a ninja in disguise…I assist you. There are many dangers inside this house, mostly children, some fire."

"I don't really get what you're on about, but hey, you can help me if you want. You have to put this on first though." Link said, handing the cucco an elf getup with hat included. The cucco rolled it's eyes and went to go and get changed.

A few minutes later, Santa and his elf were ready to enter the building. Link dived down the chimney, unaware that there was a nice hot fire waiting for him below.

"OW! BURNY! OW!" Came screams from inside the house.

"I said there was fire, you no listen, you get burnt." The cucco stated.

"Yeah well, I'd like to see you get down here!" Link grumbled, trying to put himself out with a cushion.

"No need. Front door is open." Said the ninja cucco, striding inside with ease. "Now we deliver presents."

"Presents? Aw crap, the sleigh had all of those in!"

"No need to panic. My cucco senses tell me that help approaches."

The living room window shattered as an elephant sized bag was thrown through it, landing on the ground in front of Link. Midna followed it through, panting furiously.

"Phew…that's heavier than it looks, believe me." She gasped.

"YOU'VE JUST WOKEN UP THE WHOLE HOUSEHOLD!" Link exclaimed as the burglar alarm suddenly set off.

"The children…they are coming…RUN! RUN IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!" The cucco yelled. "I will try and hold them off, you go…"

Link sprinted after Midna, who opened the window on the opposite side of the room and jumped out, gliding slowly to the ground. Link however, wasn't quite as good at floating, and fell like a rock into a large pool below.

Meanwhile, the ninja cucco was trampled on by the children that came sprinting across the room, unable to throw a single ninja star (you almost feel sorry for it). The children continued to run towards the window, to see where their beloved Santa had gone. They looked down at Link, who was thrashing about pathetically in the water, trying not to drown.

"What's that guy doing in our pool?"

"I bet he's peeing in it!"

"KILL HIM!!!"

The kids jumped out of the window after him, uttering death threats to poor Link, who was still drowning.

"Help, MIDNA!" He shouted as the kids closed in. Midna dived forwards, grabbing the bag of presents and warping away. "Some friend you are!" He screamed after her, trying to make it to the edge of the pool. He couldn't hold on for much longer, his strength was draining away and the children were now throwing mince pies at him, which was painful to say the least.

The darkness was closing in, it reminded him of the time when he was being eaten by imaginary chickens (see chapter 1), except this was real. He was going to drown, he was going to die… suddenly he felt something grasp his hand, before everything disappeared.

The first thing Link saw was a cardboard box, then the world around him came into focus. He was back home, he was-

"I'M ALIVE!" Link cried, jumping to his feet, but falling over again.

"You really thought I was going to leave you?" Midna asked him, floating over to where he was lying and giving him a trademark evil smile.

"Yes…I did actually." He sighed.

"Well, I was, but then I remembered that it was Christmas, and that people come before presents! Wait…actually I think it's the other way round, but you get my point."

"Not really…"

"Oh well, neither do I. Anyway, moving on, I've got a surprise for you!"

"You have?"

"I had no idea what to do with all the presents, so I made you a new home!"

Link looked behind him to where Midna was pointing, and was amazed to find that she had used the presents as building blocks to make a decent-sized house for him.

"YAY!!! I'M SO HAPPY I COULD SHOOT A TURKEY!"

"Too late, I already shot one for you." Midna said, handing him the corpse. "Well, aren't you going to eat it?"

"You cook them first! I swear, you know nothing about Christmas."

"You can't blame me, the Twili don't have Christmas, we have destroypeoplewithcookiegunmas. It's really awesome!"

"I think I'll stay in this world for now…anyway, you coming inside?" Link asked, leading the way through the front door. "OK…I think I should open this present first." He stated when they were both inside.

"I don't think that's a good idea…"

"Why not?" Link asked, pulling the present out from underneath he others.

The whole house collapsed.

"OK, where the hell is the phone?" Midna sighed.

* * *

Phew! That was the same length as the normal chapter! I'm glad I got it finished for today, and I hope it was worth it! Chapter 21 will be arriving at some point, but until then, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! (And remember to panic if you see Link coming down your chimney tonight.)


	21. Midgets are EVIL!

Phew...finally got the next chappie up. Sorry for the massive delay again, I should probably come up with a definite day that I'll update, since I seem to be taking ages with every chapter. Thanks to the people who reviewed the last chapter! I can't believe I actually have 80 reviews!!! I never dreamed this story would get so many...OK, now let's see how this chapter goes...

* * *

Just in case your forgot what happened in the last chapter, Link and Midna were about to make out (This might sound immature but...EWWW!) when random cow (not the insult, but a real cow. Insane isn't it?) came back from Barnes bombs with a nifty discount of fifty-one bombs for the price of seven, and is now about to put an end to the horrific scene...will he succeed, or will the reader be forced to throw up all over their shiny new keyboard?

* * *

"This is a humor fic, fools! NO ROMANCE ALLOWED!"

"Is it me, or is that cow talking?" Link wondered aloud.

"You calling me a cow? YOU FUCKIN' CALLING ME A COW?" Yelled the cow.

"But you are a cow..."

"LINK!" Midna growled.

What happened next could only be explained in one word.

Boom.

A few minutes later, and a re-spawned Link entered Barnes Bombs with an important request.

"I NEED SOMETHING THAT WILL UTTERLY DESTROY A COW, WHILST CAUSING IT EXTREME PAIN AND AGONY!" He screamed at the man behind the desk.

"Sorry partner, ran out of cow-destroying bombs last week. I don't suppose you'd be interested in an anti-sugar puff hippo one?"

"No."

"Perhaps you'd like a-"

"-No."

"Then maybe I can interest you in a-"

"-No."

"That's a shame. I guess you'll be leaving."

"No."

Link pulled out his lantern.

"Not before I get to see you go boom."

"NO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I HAVEN'T EVEN COMPLETED THE FIRST LEVEL OF NINJA BREAD MAN YET!"

"But nobody likes you! Plus, taking out my rage on other people is fun, so therefore I'm allowed to do it."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER!" Link yelled, throwing his lantern at Barnes, which set him on fire instantly.

"AUGH! Where are the God damned fire sprinklers?" Barnes squealed, hitting the nearest panic button. It didn't take Link long to realise that they were all above his head. When they finally stopped spraying, his hat was sodden, his outfit was sodden, but most annoyingly, his HAIR was sodden.

"You won't like me when my hair's wet!" Link growled. Barnes was a bit too busy being on fire to listen to him, so he decided to walk outside and watch the building explode instead, which was hilarious and rid the world of one more annoying character.

Feeling deeply satisfied, Link turned around and bumped into yet another annoying character. Yes, it was the random ghost lady from chapter 12.

"FLYING FISH!" He gasped, grabbing his fishing rod (no, not the one YOU were thinking of, dirty minded child).

"I am not a flying fish! I'm the queen of the frigging Zoras!" Protested the random ghost lady.

"Shut up you...you...FISH!"

"Hey! Just because I am a fish doesn't mean you have to call me a fish!"

"Whatever...fish."

"ELF!"

"SQUID!"

"RICE CRISPIE!"

"CORNFLAKE!"

"KWEE BIRD!"

"Hang on, what the fuck is a kwee bird?"

"Don't ask me, it isn't my fault that this story is completely retarded."

"Actually, I think I read about kwee birds. They're secret agents that live in cornflake packets, so if you ever choke on cornflakes, you're actually choking on the kwee bird."

"Wow, that is like, totally the most fascinating thing ever! We should be sisters!"

"We so should be, girlfriend!"

"I was just on my way to the graveyard's January sales, you want to tag along?"

"YAY! I get to go clothes shopping with a fish!"

* * *

So as Link and the random ghost lady went to the graveyard to go clothes shopping (WTF?) Midna was exploring Kakariko village in the hope of finding something alcoholic. Eventually she came across Malo mart, and decided that if there was going to be alcohol, it was probably going to be in a shop that belonged to a toddler.

For some reason the door seemed to have disappeared, but as Midna looked closer, she found that there was a miniature one in its place. It was pretty tough to get through it, but being an imp definitely helped. As soon as Midna managed to squeeze through it, she noticed that there was nobody around, so went straight to the wine section and started putting all the bottles into her invisible storage space (you don't even want to know where that is).

"Hold on!" Came a voice from behind the desk as she was about to leave.

"It wasn't me! HE DID IT!" Midna squealed, throwing all of the bottles at a random toy monkey nearby. To her further dismay, the monkey started ticking.

"That's a time bomb you fool! The real toy monkeys are over there!" The voice came again. Suddenly a figure came into view on a rising platform. Unsurprisingly, it was Malo, who was pointing to a pile of evil looking toys on the other side of the shop. "Luckily I have the control to all of the time bombs in the world. I doubt you'll be surprised, seeing as it _is_ me."

"Um...so I guess you saw me trying to steal the wine..."

"Not really, I can't see a damn thing over this bloody counter. It was my guardian elves that saw you and informed me."

"Guardian elves...?"

"Yes. I hired them to protect myself and this shop from intruders. Ever since that idiotic elf boy almost killed me and burned Malo mart to the ground...Link, I believe you call him."

"Definitely sounds like Link to me."

"I'm sure he wouldn't have tried to steal my porn magazines if he had seen these bodyguards." Malo said, pointing to several meaty, midget-sized things that were now standing in a line on the counter in front of him. They looked like a cross between the common garden gnome and Mr T.

"Meet Gob, Rob, Lob, Mob, Dob, and-"

"-Bob."

"Johnathon, actually."

"Right...wow, those are some...interesting elves you have there."

"Yes, and if you ever try to steal my shop again, you'll have those to answer to. Besides, that wine is reserved for me so that I can hold late night parties with my other midget-friends."

"I'll remember that..."

"Oh, and one more thing; I noticed you came through the door. That door is reserved for midgets only, which means I'm the only person who can come in."

"What's the point of a shop that no-one else can come into?"

"Nothing. Definitely not because I have an evil underground lair under here."

"OK, I'll just be leaving..."

"OR, that in that underground lair, I plan to reassemble 4Kids with Beth, Talo, Me and-"

"-Colin?"

"No, anybody BUT Colin. Oh, and it's definitely not because once I have assembled 4Kids, we will take over Ordon village and turn it into s'more-don village and make loads of money selling cheap- ass biscuits with marshmallows and chocolate."

"Or did you just want the excuse to make that really crappy pun?"

"No, it's because I want to make loads of money...OK, I wanted an excuse to use the pun as well, but think of the money, the tourism, the marshmallowy goodness..."

"But I'm allergic to s'mores!

"Nobody cares about you! Everybody knows that money is more important than people!"

"That's the reason you wanted to demolish Link's house Isn't it? Because you wanted to turn it into a s'more factory!"

"No, that was just for fun. I never knew that forcing people to live in cardboard boxes was so hilarious!"

"You're evil!"

"Thank you! Here, have a free emo tracker. It's fun to look at when you're bored of searching for chavs." Malo said, handing Midna something that looked like a compass, but a more depressing version.

"Wow! Thanks. I always wanted one of these."

"Doesn't everyone? Now get the hell out of my store before I accidentally force you to pay for it!"

Remembering not to use the door, Midna quickly warped outside, where she sighted Link; who seemed to be yelling at a random ghost/ fish woman.

"YOU SAID THE SALES WERE ON!" He roared.

"They were!" Said the random ghost lady.

"THEN WHERE WERE ALL THE CLOTHES?"

"They were underneath the graves, you just weren't looking properly."

"The only piece of clothing that I found under a grave was THIS!" Link said, pulling out the Zora armor. "And it's CRAP!"

"And you were supposed to have found it BEFORE you did the Lakebed temple, but this story is so screwed up that nothing happens in the right order!" Midna said, joining the conversation.

"Nobody asked for your opinion!" Complained the random ghost lady.

"Nobody asked for you to be in this chapter!" Link yelled back at her.

"I'm not leaving, if that's what you want me to do."

"Oh yes you are!" Link growled, pulling out his lantern and throwing it at her. The random ghost lady was about to start laughing as the lantern passed straight through her, but stopped herself as it hit the pile of designer outfits that she'd bought earlier on.

"NO! TAKE ME, NOT THE CLOTHES!" She screamed at the fire. Unfortunately, the fire had put cotton wool in its ears and wasn't really listening.

When Link and Midna had finished rolling on the floor laughing at her, they decided to escape back to Hyrule field before she started a funeral, which looked pretty likely from the way she was mourning the clothes.

"OK...where now?"

"Well, I have a strange craving to go and kick an emo off a tall tower...it probably means something."

"Sounds like fun! But where the hell do we find an emo?"

"Um...an emo theme park?"

"I don't even want to imagine what that would be like...hey, what's that you're holding?"

"What's what? OH! You mean this convenient emo tracker?"

"Let's go kick some emo!"

* * *

OK, I'm officially deciding that I will update every week and a half. So if I don't update on that time or after, then the update will be late. I know I took ages to update this time, but I'll try not to take that long again. Hopefully chapter 22 will be up at or before the time...hopefully...


	22. ASPLOSION, BOOM!

I know that chapter took ages (again) but I wanted to find out the poll result to see whether I should keep on with it or not, as I wasn't sure whether to end this one and start a new story. Well , it seems like I'm continuing! (Thanks to the voters!). So...it's time to start the next chapter, or is it? OF COURSE IT IS, FOOLS!!! MUHAHAHAHA!!!!

* * *

"OMG IT'S AN EMO, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Screamed the emo tracker, self destructing in Link's grasp.

"Hey...I needed that hand!" He complained.

"Look on the bright side, at least we found our emo!" Midna said.

"YAY! Last one to hug it is a cucco!"

The emo stood on top of a large tower that overlooked Lake Hylia. He seemed to be writing some kind of letter, and only just had time to put it carefully in an envelope before some deluded elf kid dive-tackled him to the ground and started hugging him.

"Ahh, emo rape!"

"You're going straight into my toy-box." Link squealed.

"I don't want to know what toy-box you're thinking of, but I'm not sleeping with you!"

"But I can't sleep without a teddy..."

"I'm not a fucking teddy, now please stop touching me!"

"Fine, you can be my huggable emo sex toy, how does that sound?"

"HELL NO! I'd rather jump into a lake with mutated fish in it than spend the rest of my life with a piece of mutated broccoli!"

"Midna, why do people keep calling me a mutated piece of broccoli?" Link asked.

"This is a crack fic, what do you expect?" Midna sighed.

"Thanks for the support..."

"No problem. Hey, I just had a very helpful idea!"

"As long as it doesn't involve telling me a bedtime story, then go ahead."

"Ever wanted to see an emo fly?"

"Like in Peter Pan?"

"Um...yeah...exactly like in Peter Pan..."

"YAY! Show me!"

Midna glided over to the emo, picked him up with her giant hand and threw him off the edge of the tower.

"NO! MY LOVE INTEREST!!!" Link cried.

"I don't get what you're complaining about, I think it's quite funny."

"But he isn't flying, he's falling!"

"I know, hilarious isn't it?"

There was a loud splash as the emo hit Lake Hylia. Link and Midna peered over the edge of the tower to see if the emo dude was OK. After a few seconds he resurfaced, gasping for breath but alive.

"See, he's absolutely fine-"

Midna was cut off by a loud scream as the emo was taken out by a mass of freaky fish people. Link gave her an evil glare.

"He doesn't look fine to me, in fact, he looks kinda dead."

"Oh well, who gives a toss?"

Ignoring the statement, Link collapsed and starting crying on the ground.

"Why do all the people that I love have to leave me?"

Midna cleared her throat loudly.

"Hey, your throat clearing is ruining the atmosphere!"

"Um...I was just going to point out that I'm still here if you ever-"

"-why? WHY, CRUEL WORLD?" Link sobbed.

"FINE, forget it!" Midna growled, looking around for something to distract Link. She soon found that there was a small envelope lying on the ground in front of her, perfect.

"Hey, Broccoli elf thing! There's a piece of paper over here, and it says it wants to be your friend." She said, waving it in Link's face.

"Who would want to be friends with me? Everybody hates me!" He sniffed miserably.

"That's a good point, but...it's shiny..."

"Shiny?"

"Very shiny."

"Does it have sequins on it?"

"Sure, why not?" Midna sighed, getting out one of those crappy 'make your own' kits and tipping the contents over the envelope.

"MINE!" Link growled, snatching it from her. He spent about five minutes staring at it before Midna convinced him to open it.

"Are you sure that it's going to be sparkly on the inside to?"

"No, but you will be able to see who that emo guy was writing to."

"You mean there are funny squiggles?"

"Um...if you want to put it that way, then yes."

"But I don't like funny squiggles..."

"JUST GIVE IT TO ME!" Midna yelled. "God, if I'd had known how difficult you were going to be I would have put you back in the box a long time ago."

"No! Not the box!"

"Give me the letter, and I won't have to."

Link handed it over and watched as the imp studied the writing carefully.

"Hmm...looks like it's addressed to a gay clown."

"You mean the gay clown down there?" Link asked, pointing at the cannon in the middle of Lake Hylia.

"I think so."

"Oh goodie, I always wanted to be a postman! Does this mean I get to dress like a stripper?"

"No! There are already enough strippers in this game, including me."

"Yeah but you're not sexy, so you don't count."

"Oh fine, why the hell not?"

"YAY! My childhood dreams have been fulfilled!"

A soon as Link put on his shiny new stripper outfit (you know, the one he was wearing when he was fighting Bo) he suddenly froze in mid-pose and random writing appeared on the screen saying: You got...SEXY!

"Wow, I should do this more often." Link smirked when the random moment was over. Midna was too dumbfounded to notice him.

"I can't believe it...you actually have a six pack..."

"A what-now? Oh, those things. I thought those were moobs..."

"Damn..." Midna continued dreamily.

"Meh, I'm gonna go deliver the letter now."

"NO! I haven't finished looking yet!"

"Well that's too bad cause-HOLY SHIIIIIT!" Link gasped, realising that he had just walked off the edge of the tower without realising it. The fall into Lake Hylia was like something out of Looney tunes, expect with more swearing. When Link finally resurfaced, he was still screaming "shit" at the top of his lungs.

"Link, you can stop scaring the kiddies now, it's all over..."

"NO IT ISN'T! My hair is ruined!"

"The gay clown probably has a hair dryer, I mean, what else do gay clowns carry?"

Link was already making his way over to the giant cannon.

"What the hell are you doing?" Midna asked him.

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like you're trying to shove your hand up a cow's backside." Midna stated.

"But I'm swimming!"

"Who the hell taught you to swim?"

"Bo."

"Then THAT explains why you swim like a rabid squirrel."

"Well how else am I supposed to swim?"

"Don't. Use a speedboat instead."

"I don't have a freaking speedboat!"

"You do, just look in your invisible storage space!"

Link looked down his pants to find that there was a rubber dinghy buried under all of the porn.

"Who put that there?" He exclaimed, before looking up at a slightly nervous Midna. "Oh, so you went inside my pants and put a rubber dinghy in there while I was asleep. It's nice to know that my friends are always trying to rape me."

"I WASN'T TRYING TO RAPE YOU! I just thought I would give you an early birthday present."

"And you put it down my pants."

"Well that's where you keep most of your stuff..."

"That is reserved for porn and weapons of mass destruction only. Other stuff goes inside my hat, got it?"

"Got it..."

"Besides, this isn't a speedboat, it's a freaking rubber dinghy! Where's the motor, hmm?"

"Well...I couldn't afford a proper one. But it has oars!" Midna said hopefully, holding up two twigs.

"Brilliant...just effing brilliant..." Link growled, snatching one of the sticks out of her hand.

An hour later and then finally arrived on dry land. Link jumped out of the boat and collapsed, gasping for air.

"That...that...was...that was...the most physical exercise I ever did..."

"Hey, it was better than swimming all the way here! Actually, maybe it WOULD have been quicker to swim..."

"Exactly..."

"Are you going to be getting up soon or can I kick the crap out of you first?"

Link jumped to his feet.

"I'm all better now."

"Then hurry up and deliver the letter before we get sidetracked by a random parrot with an afro!"

"I'm afraid it's too late..." Said the parrot with the afro from behind Link's back.

"AUGH! STAY AWAY, FIEND!" Link squealed, jumping into Midna's arms and waving a twig at the parrot.

"Plumm does not mean to scare anybody. Plumm just wants to tell you about a crappy mini-game that you would never want to play in your life even if Chuck Norris said it was cool."

"That...makes sense..." Link said nervously. "So...what are you meant to do?"

"You get on big bird from Sesame Street and crash into imaginary pieces of fruit in the air and die. Plumm has played it several times. Plumm likes!"

"Midna, can we back away now?" Link squeaked.

"Plumm likes you. Plumm wants to be your FRIEND!" Chimed the parrot.

"Holy bleep, run like hell!" Midna gasped, dropping Link and flying away, leaving the elf to fend for himself. Luckily, Link could still remember the most important lesson he had ever learnt: If something annoys you, blow it up.

"You seem like an awesome guy, here, take this complementary time bomb." He said, handing the parrot his last explosive.

"This is better than imaginary strawberry, this is like burning turkey in sandwich!"

"Um...yeah, exactly like burning turkey...I think. AnywayI'mleavingnowbye."

Link turned and ran like hell as the explosion rippled epically behind him. When he reached Midna, who seemed to be having an animated discussion with the gay clown, he felt a sense of pride wash through him.

"Midna, did you see how awesome that was? I just turned and then the explosion was like BOOM! And I just kept running and it sooo cool and-"

"-Your pants are on fire."

"What? No they aren't!"

"Then how come they're burning?"

"OW! BURNY!!!" Link squealed, jumping into lake Hylia and getting taken down by a hoard of freaky fish people. Two minutes later an unhappy Link re-spawned next to Midna.

"That's what you get for ever thinking that you could look cool in a video game. Don't do it, man!" The clown said.

"Do you have hair dryer, by any chance? Actually, it's not really a question of 'if' because if you don't have one, then I will kill you in the least humane way possible." Link stated.

"Are you OK? You're acting slightly more evil than usual." Midna said.

"DO I LOOK OK? So long as my hair is wet then I will never be OK!!! Oh, and here's your freaking letter by the way!"

Link threw the envelope at the gay clown and collapsed onto the ground again, sobbing.

"That wasn't very kind. Say sorry to the gay clown, Link." Midna said.

"NO! Go away, don't like you any more!"

"Meh, I guess I should leave him to have his mental breakdown in peace. What does the letter say?" Midna asked. The clown read aloud

"I will probably be dead by the time you read this, because an annoying little girl in a broccoli costume is trying to kill me. I just wanted to say, don't bother calling, because I deleted your number from my phone. That's right, I don't love you any more. I've found another emo, and his name is Steve. At least HE bothers to buy me flowers once in a while! Lots of love, AHH CRAP!"

"That's a weird way to end a letter." Midna stated. "Oh, it must have been when Link hugged him."

"I'm not a piece of broccoli...and I'm not a girl!" Link huffed sulkily.

The clown burst into tears and jumped into Lake Hylia.

"You could have said something nicer, Link, like 'I'm sorry', or 'I'm sure you'll find a new love interest soon'..."

"He's a clown that gets turned on by giant cannons. I don't think he'll be finding a partner for a long time."

"Look, there's no reason to be depressed any more, we have a giant cannon all to ourselves."

"Don't care."

"The clown keeps all of his hair dryers inside it..."

Link jumped to his feet and ran inside.

"Hang on, where are they?" He asked, sticking his head outside again, only to get hit in the face by the door closing. "Midna, LET ME OUT!"

"I will, I just want to see what this lever does..." Midna said, grabbing the handle. As soon as she pulled it random chickens started spinning round some kind of conveyor belt and the kind of music you would hear in High School Musical started playing. "Wow, this is strangely irrelevant, but fun all the same."

"MIDNA, HOW COME THE CANNON IS MOVING?" Link yelled from inside.

"Uh...no idea. But whatever is happening it certainly isn't my fault."

"HOW COME IT'S ACTING LIKE IT'S ABOUT EX-"

Something that sounded like an elf being fired from a cannon was the last sound that Link heard, before the world suddenly faded away.

* * *

DUN DUN DUUUN! Tune in next time folks to see what happens to our elfin hero (even though you probably already know, but just tune in anyway!) I hope you liked that chapter, please review, I love reading them! :)


	23. Big Pigs and Bad Plans

Yes, my English essay is finally done! This should make updating a little easier...I hope. Thanks to the people who reviewed! And, in answer to FoxMcCloud7921's question, well...you'll have to wait and see, but be warned. Video games are never as fair as they seem...

* * *

"WHYMEEEEEEEEEEE??????"

"Link?" Midna yelled.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Link carried on screaming.

"LINK?!"

"WAHHHHHHHWHATISIT?"

"I have good news, and bad news. Well, mainly bad news." Midna said.

"Bad news...tell me the bad news..."

"Firstly, we're stuck in a desert with rabid pigs in it, not in the sky. Secondly, you peed yourself, and thirdly I'm not the kind of weirdo who carries seven pairs of spare underwear around with me so you're just going to have to deal with it."

"...The good news?"

"It's story time!"

"Nooooooo!!!" Link cried, before pausing. "Um...what exactly _is_ story time?"

"What do you think? IT'S WHEN I TELL YOU A STORY!"

"Oh! I knew that...kind of..."

"Now, are you sitting comfortably? Actually, I don't actually give a shit so I wouldn't bother answering that. Let's begin already."

"Yay?" Link squeaked nervously as he watched Midna pull out a giant story book with a disturbingly evil-looking front cover.

"OK, do you want the one about the Bunny and the Packet of Cornflakes, Dinnertime with Mr Squirrel, or the one about me?" Midna inquired.

"DINNERTIME WITH MR SQUIRREL!!!" Link answered excitedly.

"I probably shouldn't read that one now that I come to think of it, it's so disturbing that I puked seven times before getting to the end, and the pictures...oh man, I'm not even gonna go there..."

"What is about, exactly?"

"Rubber ducks...lots of rubber ducks..."

"_Right_...how about the Bunny and the Packet of Cornflakes then?"

"Unless you have a fetish for cornflakes and enjoy bunny rape, then that story probably isn't for you. Looks like you're left with the one about me!" Midna said cheerily.

"Maybe I do have a fetish for cornflakes..." Link mumbled.

"THE ONE ABOUT ME IT IS! Now, where to begin...?"

Seven hours later...

"So what you're trying to tell me, is that you're descended from a bunch of evil lunatics that got sent to the shadow realm instead of the naughty step by accident. This was because these random ghost people got drunk and used their magical powers to create some kind of magical pizza that connected this world to the shadow realm. All the evil lunatics tried to eat it but got dragged into the other world for being so damn greedy, which was all their fault because everyone knows that when you see free pizza, you have to kill everyone in sight before you eat it so that they don't get jealous." Link said quickly, before collapsing to the ground and gasping for air.

"In short, yes."

"You expect me to believe that the pizza of twilight is in a temple at the other end of this desert."

"Yep."

"And that you want to get there because...?"

"Because...uh...I'm hungry?"

"A likely story! As if anyone would get sent to the shadow realm by a magical pizza that didn't want to be eaten. If you my advice, cut down on the drugs."

"I don't take drugs, I just drink excessively. There's a difference!"

"Not from where I'm standing, girlfriend."

"You'll come with me, won't you Link?"

"I don't think so! I've had enough of your pizzas and your cornflakes and your squirrels and your other random crap. In fact, I'm leaving." Link said defiantly, about to turn and run like hell when there was a loud clicking sound.

"Too bad. I decide when you're allowed to leave and when you're not." Midna smirked, tugging at the lead that she had attached to Link's neck.

"I knew you were a fangirl!!!"

"Damn it...he knows my secret..." Midna muttered quietly to herself, before giving Link an evil glare. "I mean, how could you just assume that I'm a fangirl? Maybe I'm doing this for your own safety."

"What, so sneaking inside my pants (see previous chapter), turning evil when I suggested that you might fancy me (see chapter 13), getting jealous because I used to prefer Zant over you (chapter 14) and clearing your throat weirdly every time I bring up the subject of romance (several chapters) DOESN'T mean that you're a fangirl?"

"That was harsh!"

"That was the truth, deal with it!" Link growled.

"...You're definitely not invited to my birthday party." Was the only response that Midna could think of after a minute of silence.

"It doesn't matter to me anymore. I have a new love interest, anyway."

"What?!? Where is it? I want to destroy, torture and/ or impale it on a stick!!!" Midna yelled angrily.

"Definitely not a fangirl, huh? And if you must know, it's over there."

Lying silently on the sand about fifty yards away, lay something that look like a cross between a pig, a buffalo, and Link's granny.

"What exactly is it?"

"I'm still choosing between a big piece of ham or a pig. Hm...I know! It's a BIG PIG!"

"With rabies." Midna added.

"Isn't it just the most adorable thing you've ever seen? I'm gonna go and say hi!"

"Fine, but don't expect me to go with you-hey!" Midna exclaimed as she was dragged after Link. The big pig (or whatever it was) scrambled to its feet and grunted angrily as it noticed the elf approaching. Instead of taking this as a warning like any sane person would have done, Link dive-tackled it to the ground and started hugging it furiously.

"Have I already mentioned that you have issues, and that you really need to get laid?"

"Yep, several times."

"Well I'm telling you again...

"Aww...piggy-wiggy likes a cuddle doesn't he?" Link squealed, ignoring Midna's statement. If the pig could have replied, the it might have been something along the lines of 'RAPE!'. Instead it growled (scary, I know) and kicked Link so high into the air that he might have reached the city in the sky if it hadn't been for a convenient invisible wall blocking the way, which sent him plummeting back down into the desert. And, being one of the most unlucky elves in all of Hyrule, he just so happened to land on the pig, that had only just recovered from being hugged. This caused it to go completely insane and charge forwards at six million miles per hour.

"HELP MEH!!!!!" Screamed the elf, who was just about holding on to the pig's ears as it sped towards Arbiter's Grounds.

* * *

Meanwhile, evilness ensues in Kakariko village, Malo Mart...

* * *

"Sorry I'm late, there was this guy in castle town who was trying to sell me an apple, and then he wouldn't let me have it! I tried crying and everything, but...it was like he had no soul..." Ganondorf sniffed, pulling out a packet of extra soft pocket tissues and wiping his eyes. "He didn't even give it to me when I said please-"

"Put the pocket tissues down, and back away..." Malo growled.

"Why? What's wrong with-"

"Don't make me repeat what I just said. This is your last warning." Malo said coldly. Ganondorf put the tissues down and backed away with a terrified 'meep', then watched in horror as they were obliterated by a giant crimson laser beam that streamed from the roof of the underground lair.

"Those...were my favourites..." He squeaked.

"SILENCE FOOL!" Bellowed the creepy toddler. "The future of '3Kids and a Weird Old Man' hangs in the balance, and all you can think about is random crap like facial wipes!"

"I'm guessing I'm the 'weird old man' part of the title."

"Correct. Now shut the hell up and take a seat at our table of pure and utter EVIL."

Ganondorf pulled up a chair and glanced nervously at his new 'friends' that were seated opposite to him. This was a mistake.

"Augh! MY DELICATE EYES!" He squealed.

"Say hello to Talo and Beth. Actually don't, because they don't deserve that kind of attention. I just hired them to stand in the background and laugh at people I don't like."

"Sounds...fascinating..." Ganondorf said, still covering his eyes. "So...what exactly is my job?"

"You're clearly and imbecile, so I will explain this slowly-"

"Actually, could you explain it quickly? I said I'd meet my granny in half an hour so we could make cookies together. I like cookies-"

"-fine, so long as you bring me some later."

"But...that would mean that I had to steal them..."

"Do you want to die?"

"...I didn't say that stealing was a bad thing."

"And I didn't say that you were aloud to interrupt me! Now where was I? Ah yes, your role. As you may have been informed, our company plans to distract the world by mass-producing delicious biscuits and selling them for..." The toddler hesitated to pronounce the word he despised. "...Free. Whilst all of Hyrule is stuck in biscuit chomping levity, we will go about censoring everything and anything that we see, rendering this game boring as hell. Then we'll sell my new brand of game 'Money Rules Your Ass, Get Used to It'. Of course, this one will be so crap that people will have no choice but to buy my SUPERIOR game, making me lots of rupees to build my playboy castle..."

"Your what?"

"I mean, bunny sanctuary."

"Riiight. You still haven't got to the part about me ye-"

"I was just coming to that part. Basically, there is one thing standing in my way. Well, two technically, but the other one doesn't really stand, it floats, so that doesn't count. If they find out about our plan, they will not hesitate to destroy us. All I need you to do, is kill them first."

"Are they...dangerous?"

"Oh yes. They may act like complete morons who don't have a clue about what the hell is going on, but they're actually deadly. Especially the elf. Don't get between him and a pair of pink stilettos."

"Or what?" Ganondorf gulped.

"You get slapped. ELF slapped."

"I'm guessing that's bad."

"Very. OK, I'm pretty much done. You can leave, but don't forget those God damned cookies or I'll shove my robotic ones up your ass!"

"I just have one question."

"Fine, if you absolutely must."

"Where are you? I can't see you anywhere-OW!!! Something's biting my ankle!!!"

"That would be me." Malo smirked.

"Oh...I see you now." Ganondorf said, looking down at the floor. "Aw...you're so tiny...OW! Do you mind not sinking your teeth in that far? I think my foot is going to drop off..."

"I'm glad. Now please stop patronising me and leave, it's nearly my bedtime."

Ganondorf took the opportunity and left quickly, pulling his mobile phone out of his pocket as he went. If he was going to find this elf person, then there was only one number to call...

* * *

Ten non-existent cookies for the person who can guess what that number will be! Hope you liked that chapter. I'll probably be taking ages to update from now on, as homework is getting harder and taking longer, but you never know. I might get a lucky break at some point. Reviews are loved and welcomed as always :)


	24. ELFBUSTERS!

Yays! Thank you all for your kind reviews, and FoxMcCloud7921, you were so close with the number, that I'm gonna give you the ten non-existent cookies anyway. Oh, Foxpilot and jioplip's reviews gave me ideas for the next chapter, so thanks! I hope you all enjoy this one.

* * *

"Hello!" Was the camp voice that rang from the speakers in Ganon's phone. "This is elfbusters. Are you ringing to buy our theme tune?"

"No, I actually-" Ganondorf began.

He was cut off by a mocking gasp, like the person on the other end of the phone had just been elf-slapped. "If you don't want to buy the theme tune, then what are you ringing for, bitch?"

"There's this elf, and I need to locate him before-"

"You do realise that I'm in the middle of an affair here."

"With who?"

"My hair straighteners." Came the reply, before the phone went dead. It looked like he was on his own. At least he had some spare time on his hands...maybe he _would_ buy that theme tune after all...

* * *

_If there's an elf, in your neighbourhood..._

_Who ya gonna call? _

_ELFBUSTERS! _

_It'd hug everything, if it could..._

_Who you gonna call? _

_CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES, FOOLS, WE'RE ALL SCREWED!_

"Aww, that song is a rip off. I paid five hundred rupees for that, and it's only five lines long!" Link complained, taking the earphones out of his ears.

"That's exactly one hundred rupees for each line." Midna stated unhelpfully.

"The iPod only costed fifty...stupid Malo Mart..."

"Are you done listening to your crap? I want to go through the boss door!!!"

"Well I don't! I've already died in seventeen different pits of quicksand, been eaten alive by invisible rats, been sliced in half thirteen times by these freaky skeletons with anger management problems, and been crushed by two chandeliers, because SOMEBODY cut the ropes attaching them to the ceiling!" Link growled, shooting Midna an evil glare.

Midna looked away nervously. "Not my fault..."

"Sure." Link huffed. "I don't get why you had to drag me all the way through as well. I'm not a dog, you know."

"Fine, you're a wolf. But what's more important, is that you're MINE!!! ALL MINE!"

Much evil laughter ensued, and Link took the opportunity to back away slowly from Midna, even more disturbed than he had been before. Suddenly going through the boss door didn't seem like such a bad idea.

"I'm sure whatever is through that door isn't nearly as disturbing as you are."

"I have a question before we go."

"Go ahead."

"Where did you get that iPod from?"

"I don't know. It just conveniently appeared in my hand, but hey, it wasn't exactly a bad thing. AND it has loads of Abba on it..."

"Question number two."

"Wha-?"

"If you die. Can I have it?"

"NO! I want to hand it down to my kids...or something."

"Who are you planning on having kids with, then?"

"I dunno, Zant?"

"You really have no clue about the way life works, do you?"

"Of course I do! Sex is when two people crash into each other and then they have babies and live happily ever after..." Link said enthusiastically, before noticing Midna with her face in her palm.

"Don't ever get into a proper relationship. In fact, if you want my advice, stick with the pig."

"But Zant is prettier."

"I definitely prefer the pig."

"You and your weird preferences..." Link sighed, before being pulled violently through the boss door. "Ack! You trying to kill me or something?" He complained.

"Yes. I mean, no! Why would I want to do that?" Midna growled. "Now get in there and kick some Skeleton butt before I kick yours."

* * *

Link paced nervously into the room, looking around carefully to make sure daffy duck wasn't going to appear from nowhere and rape him. Strangely, there was nothing there. Well, apart from a massive skull buried deep into what looked like a giant rounded sandpit, complete with evil spinning blades that whizzed around the edge.

"I wanna make a sandcastle!" Link exclaimed.

"Fine, just don't expect me to clean up whatever's left of you when you're done." Midna said sulkily.

Naïve as ever, Link skipped happily into the sandpit, narrowly missing being cut in half by one of the blades that circled the edge. He decided that he wanted to make his sandcastle in front of the giant skeleton, because it would make a nice background if he decided to take a photo of his masterpiece. He was just about to start when he gasped in horror, realising that he had made a terrible mistake.

"I FORGOT TO BRING A BUCKET!" He cried.

"And that _would_ be the worst of your problems, wouldn't it?" Midna huffed.

"I don't get why you're acting stressed. It's not like Bob is going to try and kill me, is it Bob?"

"Who's Bob?" Midna asked, just as confused as the player.

"Bob is my new friend. Well, he doesn't seem to be alive, but I know he wants to be friends with me really." Link smiled, pointing to the skeleton head behind him.

"HIS NAME IS NOT BOB!!!" Came a terrible voice from above the elf, who looked up to find that everyone's favourite condom* was standing on top of the skeleton's head. (*That's Zant, for anyone who missed chapter 13. Shame on you, fools) "His name is Steve. Oh, and here's a bucket by the way." Zant added, throwing it at Link's head and knocking him out. "Whoops. Maybe I should have aimed a bit more to the left..."

"Zant, you bitch! You killed my Linky muffin again!" Midna yelled.

"Will you stop calling him that? He's more than just a muffin you know. He means more than that to me..."

"He's mine."

"He likes me more, it's obvious."

"I swear, when I get my fused cookies back I'm gonna pop you like a balloon."

"That was random."

"You just wait until chapter 24 when that suddenly makes sense..."

Link stirred, grunted with confusion and slowly got to his feet. "Oh man, the sacrifices you make for sandcastles..." He muttered, looking up at the world's favourite condom with a sudden realisation. "Zant... it's really you!"

Zant gave Midna a triumphant smirk. The only way to describe her expression would have been the well-known phrase 'Go burn in condom hell'.

"How are you?" Link asked, oblivious to the battle between imp and condom (now that really DOES sound bad).

"I'm fine actually. In fact, since you asked..." Zant smirked again, ready to unleash an EVIL pun. "...I'm Zantastic."

Link fainted again.

"LINKY MUFFIN!" Midna cried.

"Whoops..." Zant muttered. "Well, now that he's out of the way, I suppose I can get rid of my competition."

"If you're talking about me-"

"-Of course I'm talking to you! Who else Is hopelessly in love with Link?"

"Daffy duck."

Zant would have raised an eyebrow if he'd had any.

"I'm not kidding." Midna protested. "It's true."

"Fine, well I'm not talking about a cartoon duck, I'm talking about you."

"OK, what EVIL fate have you got planned for me this time, assuming that you don't bore me to death first?"

"Well...I thought I might as well bring my pet goldfish along to the sand temple. Y'know, to stop you from getting the pizza of twilight, that sort of thing. But then I realised that I was being a bit harsh, unleashing that sort of evil on you. So instead I decided to bring my puppy."

"Where is it?"

"I'm standing on its head."

"That's horrible!"

Zant rolled his eyes. "I'm not talking about a squishable puppy. I'm talking about STEVE."

"Oh, you mean the giant skeleton thing."

"Now you get it? I have to do this every morning to wake him up, and believe me, it gets pretty tiring after a while." He sighed, pulling out a random sword and stabbing it into Steve's head. The beast's eyes snapped open, and the whole sandpit started trembling as he rose from it to his full height. Apparently he was about five times taller than he first seemed. "He likes being tickled, playing fetch and tearing anything within fifty metres of him to shreds. You two play nice, I'm gonna go eat some pizza. _Twilight _flavoured pizza."

"NO! You can't just go and eat the pizza of twilight while I stay here and look after Steve! What if he pees?"

"Then you'll have a nice lake to swim in, won't you?" Zant said sweetly, before warping away.

"Ok, I take it back. That guy really _is_ evil." Midna muttered to herself. "Now, first things first. I have to wake Link..."

She floated quickly over to the fallen elf and started shaking him furiously. "Come on, Link. It was just a pun...sometimes you just have to get over them!"

It had no affect. Midna was struggling for ideas. It wouldn't be long before Steve found her, and then it was game over. Literally.

The iPod lay abandoned on the ground next to Link, and before she knew it, Midna had an ingenious idea. She stuffed the earphones into Link's ears and selected 'Dancing Queen', turning it up to maximum volume. Link twitched, grunted and sat up immediately, bursting into song as he did so.

"YOU CAN DANCE, YOU CAN DA-ANCE!"

"Holy shite, Link. You're killing my eardrums!"

"HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE-"

"LINK!"

"-What? I'm just singing..."

"That's what they always say. Besides, if you don't shut up then Steve will find us."

"Who's Steve? Wait a second, I can't even remember what happened..."

"You got raped by Daffy duck."

"NO! My childhood nightmares have come true! Where is he? Is he still here?"

"Don't worry, I scared him off...OH WAIT, HE'S BEHIND YOU!!!" Midna yelled, causing Link to squeal with terror and turn round so quickly that even speedy Gonzalez would have been stripped to his underpants. Using Link's distraction to her advantage, Midna grabbed the iPod and threw it towards Steve, who, convinced that it was a game of fetch, picked it up in his mouth.

"I don't see him! Where is he, Midna?" Link asked.

"Don't worry, I think your face scared him off."

"Not funny..."

"Oh, by the way. A giant skeleton called Steve has your iPod."

"THAT BASTARD! Where is he?"

"Behind you."

Link turned round even quicker, which would have meant Speedy Gonzalez would have had to wear his Birthday suit until he could find something else to put on. The elf wasted no time, searching his inventory for the useful item he had found after defeating the mid-level boss.

"Aha, here it is. It's spinner time!" He exclaimed, holding out something that looked like a skateboard mixed with an ice-cream cone. "LET'S RIDE!!!"

Link jumped into the air, slipping it under his feet smoothly and landing on the ground, only to find that it didn't exactly travel...fast. He was charging along at roughly zero point five miles per hour. It should have been cool, but the fact was; it really wasn't. An automated voice suddenly spoke from under Link's feet, almost causing him to fall off.

"Five minutes until you reach your destination." It stated, despite the fact that Steve was only a few yards away.

"How much more retarded can you get???" Link exclaimed. "Augh, screw this. I think walking is faster." He jumped off the spinner, picking it up and throwing it at Steve's head. The skeleton/ puppy thing collapsed, allowing Link to run over and smash its brain. It wasn't long before it exploded into a cloud of evilness and disappeared.

"You separate me from music, I separate your head from the rest of your body." The elf warned, ignoring the fact that Steve was already long-gone and picking up the iPod, that had remarkably been left in tact.

"Come on...we're practically ten seconds away from reaching the pizza of Twilight." Midna said, grabbing Link's lead again. "I just hope we can stop Zant from eating it in time..."

* * *

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN! Will the pizza survive? The next chapter reveals all...


	25. You're all fired!

Thanks so much for all of your reviews, they were all so kind I almost cried with happiness (that's how sad I am, be afraid). I can't believe I have over 100 reviews. I actually thought that the most this story would get would be 50, and even that would have been amazing. So yes, many thanks to you all. You've made me a very happy person :)

I hope this chapter's alright...

* * *

"I'm going to need some new contacts, boss." Ganon said through his phone of evilness.

"What was wrong with elfbusters?" Malo asked angrily.

"They were busy...doing stuff...with hair straighteners."

"Sounds lovely. Well, you're just lucky that I have more skilled elf-trackers at my disposal. Try this number first..."

* * *

The Pokemon theme tune suddenly started playing, causing Zant to choke on the slice of pizza he had been eating.

"Stupid damned phone!" He growled in between coughs, reaching into his pocket, before remembering that he still didn't have any in his condom outfit. "OK, where did I put it this time?"

His underpants started vibrating.

"Oh...THERE it is!" Zant exclaimed, realising that he was going to have to go 'down under' to get it. He just managed to reach it before the final exclamation of 'Pokemon' came round. "Hello?"

"Hi! I was just wondering-"

"-are you one of my fangirls? For the last time, I AM NOT AVAILABLE FOR HIRE, BITCH!"

"Do I sound like a fangirl?"

"Yes, why?"

"No reason..." Ganondorf growled. "Well I'm not ringing to hire you or whatever. Well I am, but not for 'fun' purposes."

Zant burst out laughing. "You do realise that I'm a living condom. The only reason I GET hired is for fun purposes."

"This isn't a joke!" Ganondorf yelled, trying to be intimidating, but failing miserably. Maybe he should have spent his life doing evil stuff instead of baking cookies with his grandma.

"I don't care if it's assassinating Mr squirrel, I'm too busy to do it."

"Don't tell me you're having an affair with a pair of hair straighteners."

"I'm eating pizza, actually."

"Come on, it's just one _tiny_ job."

"No."

"You only have to hunt down and kill an elf. Just ONE elf..."

"An elf? What does he look like?"

"The boss told me that he looks like a little girl and/or a piece of broccoli that got mixed with an elf and a fashion diva. Does that ring any bells?"

"Um...no. Not really."

"Oh, and he skips everywhere, hugging stuff and generally acting like a moron."

"Now that reminds me of someone...does he happen to travel round with a little floaty thing? A REALLY ANNOYING little floaty thing that talks nonsense and laughs in your face all the time?"

"That's the one! Do you have him on radar?"

"CRAP! I accidentally dropped my elf-radar down the toilet yesterday. But he is supposed to be following me...I think. He wants to steal this pizza that I'm eating..."

"Then stay where you are! You can destroy him as he arrives."

"Sorry, but no can do. I want to go and hide the rest of this pizza around the world so that he can't find it. EVER!!!"

"But...why?"

"BECAUSE I'M EVIL!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zant laughed, before cutting off the call. "Stupid time waster...now I won't be able to eat all of this." He sighed, looking sadly at the pizza of twilight. "Oh well, by taking the three slices that are left and delivering them to three random people, LINK WILL NEVER GUESS WHERE THEY ARE!!!"

* * *

Link and Midna had just exited Arbiter's grounds, and were making their way across the pizza chamber when there was a loud revving sound from below, in the desert. Link ran over to the edge of the area, looking down to see a 'Johnny Condom' themed moped whizzing across the sand away from them.

"Hey Midna, I think you might want to see this..." Link said nervously. Midna floated quickly to where he stood, staring at the escaping vehicle with horror.

"That's Zant..."

"Yep."

"Wearing a pizza delivery outfit..."

"Yep."

"Holding the pizza of twilight..."

"Yep."

"And he's getting away..."

"Ye-"

"-WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?"

"Yep-I mean, sorry."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My life is over before it began!"

"Someone has your pizza, get over it and order a new one. That's my motto."

"I already told you, the pizza of twilight is more than just a pizza...it's magical."

"All pizza is magical. It's just a fact of life."

"WILL YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY FOR FIVE SECONDS?"

"Five is pushing it a bit...maybe two...or one."

"Look, we have to go after Zant and get it back. That pizza is my only way home."

Link was about to ask if it was really a UFO, when these random ghost people appeared and interrupted Midna for him.

"Nobody leaves! Not until we bore you to death with our fascinating historical facts!" Came an annoying, whining sort of voice from above them. There were several pillars that reached to the very top of the area, and the ghost people were standing on top of them.

"I bet you think you're so damn clever, managing to balance on those without falling off!" Link yelled up at them. "Well have I got something to ask you! Where's your little ghost buddy, hm? He fell off, didn't he??"

Rightly enough, one of the pillars was empty. The ghost people looked at each other with embarrassment, before one of them came up with am answer to Link's question.

"He didn't fall off...it's just that...we're saving that one...for VIPs!"

"I'm very important. Why aren't I allowed up there?"

There was another short delay, before a different ghost spoke up.

"Health and safety risks, you see. If you're not professionally qualified to stand on a pole all day and do nothing, then you're not allowed to."

"LIAR! I can smell a lie when I see one...I mean, hear one!"

"OK, you got us. Egbert fell off-"

"-EGBERT??? PAHAHAHAHAHA!" Link exclaimed, almost dying of laughter.

"He wasn't very stable...it had nothing to do with us-" Continued the ghost.

"-Yeah, right. I bet it happened when you were all pissed and decided to make the pizza of twilight." Midna cut in angrily. "Oh, and I have a question too. Were you all here when Zant took off with the pizza of twilight on a moped, by any chance?"

"No. We were...fishing."

"In a desert?"

"Um...ever heard of sand fish?"

"No."

"Oh fine, we were here the whole time."

"You just stood there?"

"We couldn't remember how to get down from the poles, alright?"

"YOU'RE GHOSTS. YOU CAN FLY!!!!"

"We're sages, actually."

"It doesn't matter, the point is that you just let an evil condom steal the most deadly pizza in the world because you were too scared to stop him. You guys should be fired."

"Can I kill them instead?" Link asked.

"Sure, why not?" Midna replied, giving them her trademark evil smile.

"No, wait! We haven't told you our fascinating historical facts yet!"

"How about you do something useful for once, and shove them up your ass instead of telling me about them?"

"That's technically impossible-holy shite!" Said one of the ghosts as Link headbutted the pillar it was standing on. It just managed to stay on, but was now holding onto the edge of it for dear life. Link was about to headbutt the pillar again, when the sage decided to say something that he should have mentioned a long time ago.

"I KNOW WHERE ZANT IS TAKING THE PIZZA SLICES OF TWILIGHT!" It yelled in terror. "Don't kill meh!!!"

"Oh, so NOW you decide to be helpful. I'm gonna give you five seconds to tell me where."

"He's taking one to a yeti's house in Snowpeak, the other to the Temple of Time in the Sacred Grove, and the third one to the City in the Sky." The sage rambled quickly. "How long was that?"

Midna looked down at her stopwatch, before looking up again with a manic grin on her face.

"Five-point-zero-one seconds. Link, you know what to do."

"But...but...WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The sage cried as it whizzed towards the ground after Link had rolled into its pillar. The pillar itself toppled, crashing into the pillar next to it, which crashed into the pillar next to it, until all of the pillars had toppled, and all of the sages were now sage-flavoured milkshake on the ground. (Don't try that one at home either, kids. Everyone knows that mistaking a crack-fic for a recipe book always ends in death/ pain/ destruction/ ultimate doom/ all of the previously mentioned.)

"That was fun. AGAIN!" Link exclaimed happily.

"I hate to rain on your parade, but we have more important things to do than resurrect dead sages and squish them with giant pillars."

"Like what?" Link huffed.

"Like chasing a condom through a desert before it can scatter the remaining three slices of a magical pizza."

"If we're going to do that, then can we at least take the motorbike?" Link asked.

"What motorbike?"

"The one that you sneaked into my pants whilst I was asleep."

"Oh, _that_ motorbike. Can't we just warp?"

"WANNA RIDE THE MOTORBIKE!!!!" Link yelled stroppily.

Noticing a tantrum coming on, Midna decided to agree to Link's demand, even though, as usual, it was completely ridiculous when they could just warp and find Zant in seconds. Not finding him would be better than being on the other end of Link's elf rage.

Link hauled the motorbike out of his pants (a disturbing image, I can tell you) and turned towards the camera, randomly pulling out a pair of sunglasses and putting them on. "Let's do this thing!"

Midna rolled her eyes as Link jumped on to the motorbike and floored the accelerator, before crashing straight into an invisible wall and falling off.

"I think you should let me drive." The imp suggested. Link agreed, sure it was the right decision. It wasn't until they were about to go, that he realised it really wasn't .

"Do you have a drivers license? Her inquired nervously.

"I have a giant lawnmower driving license, but don't worry. I'm sure that driving this thing will be just as simple."

Link gulped, before an even worse realisation hit him.

"Can you even reach the accelerator?"

"No." Midna smirked. "Which is why I taped it down."

"Oh dear." Link squeaked, before the motorbike zoomed across the pizza chamber and flew through an open gap in the wall, before soaring into the desert. "WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Hope that chapter was good! Only the next chapter will reveal how the quest for the pizza of twilight goes...


	26. Pizza Wars: Revenge of The Smurfs

How about, instead of rambling and holding you guys up, I just thank the reviewers of the last chapter (thank you all very much, I love you guys!!!!) and get on with it?

Wow. That was different.

* * *

Zant narrowed his eyes, focusing on the path ahead. It was a long way before the end of the desert. At least there weren't any annoying freaks chasing him...

"Hello!" Link's voice came directly from behind him. Zant turned around in horror to find that there was another motorbike closing in, with Link in the passenger seat. Midna sat with a ridiculously oversized bike helmet on, grasping the handlebars for dear life.

"Give it up, Zant. You're finished!" She yelled. "Link has a machine gun and he's not afraid to use it, right Link?"

The elf looked down nervously.

"You haven't got it, have you?" Midna growled.

"I fed it to Steve...he was hungry!"

"He was evil! I'm sure he would rather have fed on your soul."

"You're lying Midna...Steve loved me!"

"Yeah, about as much as America loves the sugar puff turkey."

Link realised that yet another one of his relationships was ruined, and burst into tears. "Life is so unfair!"

"No, Link, you have to stay strong!"

"I can't...it's too hard." He sobbed, partly because he was upset, and partly because the cliché had made him feel even worse.

"Perhaps you'd feel better if I gave you...this." Midna said, handing him a different gun with one hand, whilst miraculously managing to keep hold of the handle bars with the other.

"What's so special about it?" The elf asked, wiping his eyes sulkily before he took it.

"Oh...you'll see." Grinned the imp.

* * *

During Link and Midna's fascinating discussion, Zant had managed to get further away from them, and was picking up speed when something slammed into the back of his precious condom themed moped. He turned around again to find that Link was pointing a gun directly at his face.

"Eat cookie, bitch!" He yelled, pulling the trigger.

Zant yelped in fright and veered sideways quickly, dodging the projectile by centimetres. Unlucky for him, about seven thousand more were already whizzing towards him. "HOLY FRICK ON A STICK!" He screamed as they pelted him. "Have mercy!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Was Link's reply as he continued to fire cookies.

"You know Link, you kinda remind me of somebody..." Midna mused. "...I know, you're like an even more badass version of the cookie monster!"

"I AM THE COOKIE MONSTER!!!" Link laughed manically. Zant was starting to look very unstable, like he was about to fall off his bike, when something terrible happened.

"HOLYBLEEP! Midna, I'm out of cookies! How can I be evil without cookies?" Link screamed.

"Don't worry...I've got some snack bars here somewhere..."

"You can't load a cookie gun with snack bars, it's a sin against the cookie religion." Link said with an over-dramatic gasp.

"We have to try!" Midna shouted epically, opening a packet of cheese-ball bars (same cheese flavour, but without the balls). "Damn, these snack bars suck! When did I buy these? WHY did I buy these?"

"I think someone had a bit too much to drink again..."

"SHUT UP! Maybe I liked cheese-ball...snack bar...thingies back then."

"I'm sure...anyway, hand them over, Zant's getting away!"

As Zant widened the gap between them, he pulled out his phone from 'down under' and quickly dialled Ganondorf's number. If he was going to make it out of this, he was going to need some seriously good assistance.

* * *

The crazy frog burst into song in Ganondorf's pocket.

"Stupid phone! I knew I should have left it on silent." The king of darkness muttered as he reached for the device, which was vibrating noisily. "What?" He hissed angrily when finally reached it. "I'm trying to watch 'Elfbusters goes to Hollywood' here!"

The rest of the people in the cinema all growled and started hurling extra large buckets of popcorn at his head.

"Dude, I'm in deep shit." Zant's panicked voice came through the speakers.

"SO AM I!" Ganondorf screamed, earning himself a hotdog in the face. "I'm trying to watch a film and now people are throwing food at me..." He sniffed, wiping ketchup off his forehead.

"You think that's as bad as having seven hundred snack bars a second being fired at you by an elf that thinks he's the cookie monster?"

"Maybe not."

"Exactly. Can't you send someone out here to save my sorry ass?"

"Hmm...there is one last option..."

"WELL SEND IT, QUICK!"

Ganon was about to reply when a bag of jelly smurfs (what do people take into the cinemas these days?) knocked the phone out of his hand. It seemed people were starting to get the dangerous foodstuffs out, meaning it was time for him to leave. It meant he was going to miss the ending, but Malo would definitely have the film on DVD, and would probably let him watch it if he managed to get Zant out of the desert alive.

Running down the isle towards the fire exit, he flicked down the list of saved numbers on his mobile. They were in alphabetical order, and when he got down to the letter 'P' he knew he had found the right number. After all, there was only one contact he knew who's name started with that letter...

* * *

"Midna...we've got company..." Link squeaked as he looked behind him.

"Shut up, Link. Your annoying cliches are putting me off!" She growled back at him.

"Seriously Midna, we're fricking screwed."

"It would help if you told me what it was!"

But the fact that there was suddenly a massive shadow looming over them kind of gave it away.

"We're being chased by the postman, aren't we?"

"Yes."

"NO!"

The giant red post van was closing in, ready to flattened them. They only had a few seconds before they were turned into creepy looking pancakes, like the kind you might get in Malo Mart.

"DO SOMETHING!" Midna cried.

"Um...uh...um...uh...um..."

"Hurry!"

"Uh...I know!" Link gasped, turning round and firing a snack bar through the window of the post van. It shattered, causing the vehicle to slow down as the postman braked so he could duck. "Alright...I'm going in!" Exclaimed the elf, leaping from the back of the motorbike onto the hood of the post van.

"WTF? What the hell do you think you're doing?" Midna yelled.

"I don't know...but I wish I hadn't done it now!" Link sobbed, clinging on the front of the van for dear life. Midna realised that it was that time of the day where she said something inspiring to Link to stop him from having a mental breakdown.

"Remember, this isn't a film, this is a video game!" She shouted to the shivering elf.

"So what?" He squeaked back.

"So...you can completely screw the rules if you want to. You just...you just have to believe!"

The player winced as the force of the cliché hit them.

"The only thing I believe in is fairies, and the last time I went near one it tried to eat me." Link said miserably.

"What I'm trying to say, is that if you want to defy the laws of gravity and run up the hood of a post van, then you can. You are the main character after all."

"I can...?"

"Believe it."

* * *

Link clambered to his feet and ran as fast as he could along the front of the post van, diving through the shattered window screen in a way that would have made James Bond pee himself with jealousy (He's a weird guy, OK?).

Link's moment of glory ended as he found himself bundled in the passenger seat, with a stoned-looking postman next to him.

"H-hello..." The postman turned and looked at the elf with a creepy smile on his face. On hand was on the steering wheel, the other around a bottle of milk. It was almost completely empty.

"Where did you get that from???" Link said.

"It was at Disney land...a smurf gave it to me..."

"I'm not surprised. If a smurf's doing anything in Disneyland, they're most likely to be dealing drugs to small children. I read that in a book once..."

"He told me to kill you...but you're so pretty." The postman smiled weirdly again, ignoring Link's fascinating trivia about smurfs.

"Who told you to kill me? WHO?" Link demanded, grabbing the postman's shoulders and shaking him, which caused the van to start veering madly out of control.

"His name was...Ganon something...I think it was Ganondick."

"Ganondick hmm? Sounds very evil..."

"He said that I had to kill you or he would shut down my ebay account...so that I wouldn't be able to order meat over the internet any more!"

"Meat? What meat?"

"The meat I spend my life ordering in Telma's bar...IT NEVER ARRIVES!"

"OK, I'm confused, so I'm just going to kill you."

"But then I won't be able to marry you..."

"Exactly."

Without a second thought, the elf raised the gun and opened fire on the milked-up Postman Pat stripper guy.

"FOR NARNIA!!!!" Link screamed. The postman jumped to his feet, but was met by the deadly force of seven hundred snack bars per second. He staggered backwards towards the door, as it too was hit by the snack bars and forced open. "Somebody tell my porn...that I loved it." He gasped, before toppling backwards out of the door in slow motion.

* * *

R.I.P Postman Pat/ Stripper/ Rapist/ Smurf in disgiuse/ all of the aforementioned. 2009-2010. Man, that was a short life.

* * *

MEANWHILE, Midna was still riding along at a ridiculously high speed in front of the post van, when something landed like a ninja onto the passenger seat of the motorbike.

"Hi again." Smiled Link.

"OK, this is seriously pissing me off. I know I said that you could do anything, but it doesn't mean that you can go around acting like you're freaking Chuck Norris!"

"Sorry if I'm too awesome for you, I just can't help it...OMZ, MIDNA, LOOKOUT!!!" The elf squealed, pointing to the tiny stretch of desert that was left in front of them. Of course, it wasn't the stretch of desert that was worrying him, it was the fact that there was a vast empty space where the tiny stretch of desert ended. "We're going to fall!!"

"Yeah, I can see that. I'm just wondering where Zant is..."

"Up here, losers!" Yelled the condom. He was standing at the door of a miniature helicopter with a smug grin on his face. "Did I mention that my condom themed moped is so freaking kickass that it can turn into a helicopter for no reason?"

"Curses!" Link said, thumping his fist into his other palm.

"Hope you guys have fun dying and stuff." Zant called, before the helicopter pulled away and soared into the distance.

"I wonder who was driving that thing..." Link muttered to himself. The image of Navi at the controls suddenly flashed onto the screen. "Ha...Zant's so screwed."

The motorbike, being unable to stop, was approaching the edge of the desert fast. Falling into lake Hylia from thousands of feet didn't sound like much fun to Midna, so she decided to do something useful for once. Grabbing the Zant badge from her inventory as the bike toppled off the edge, she stuck it on Link's head and jumped onto his back when he transformed into a wolf.

"SUPER EPIC WARPING POWER!!!" She exclaimed as they both soared into the sky and vanished.

* * *

The player sighed with relief, not because Link and Midna had survived, but because it was finally the end of the film, meaning that they could sit back and enjoy a cliché free day, with a box of cheese-ball bars at their side. That was, until they remembered that what they had been watching hadn't been a crappy action movie, and that The Legend Zelda: Twilight Princess was actually a game. So it really wasn't over yet.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Was the cry that could be heard from the player's house, waking up everybody within a three hundred mile radius. Yes, that included the maniac with the chainsaw next door.

* * *

So there we have it, the end of Pizza Wars: The Revenge of The Smurfs...I mean, the end of the chapter...thing. Sorry about the postman idea coming in a bit late by the way, I wasn't able to fit in in the previous chapter.

Oh, and one more thing. I've put up a new Super Smash Bros. Brawl humour fic, and it would be massively awesome if you guys could find time to take a look at it. Of course, you don't have to, but I'd really like to know what people think of it before I start on the next chapter :)


	27. Overweight yetis on snowboards

Thanks sooooo much to those who reviewed last time, now on with the chappie!!!!

* * *

"NAVI!!! LET GO OF THE CONTROLS!" Zant screamed, trying to pull the fairy from the helicopter's cockpit. "You have to let me drive!"

"Hey, Listen!! Hello! Look!" Navi exclaimed angrily. Zant quickly translated the words from retard-speak into English.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK DRIVING IS FUN! You're going to get us killed!!"

"Look! Listen! Hey!" Navi growled, which translated as something along the lines of 'I have a helicopter driving license!'

"Then why are we about to crash into Malo Mart???"

Navi responded with a simple statement that translated as: 'No we're not, silly...HOLY DEKU NUTS WE ACTUALLY ARE!!'.

* * *

One giant explosion, much re-spawning a a spare pair of pants later, and they were both looking down nervously at Malo, who had been reading his favourite book (Fairytales for Toddlers with Twisted Minds) when a giant helicopter had crashed through the roof of his shop.

"I'm not happy. Would you like to know why I'm not happy?"

Zant shook his head.

"I didn't ask for your opinion!"

"But you just-"

"-SILENCE, IMBECIL! Nobody has permission to talk unless king Malo gives says they can!"

"Oh so now you're King-"

"DIE!" Malo screamed, pulling out a machine gun and utterly destroying Zant. "Does anyone else want to interrupt King Malo?"

Navi backed away slightly.

"That's a shame, because King Malo really wanted to see what a dead fairy looked like." The toddler growled, shuffling over to his toy box of doom and putting the machine gun inside. "Now, I'm not happy for two reasons. Firstly, you could have knocked before crashing through my freaking roof and squishing me, and secondly, Malo Mart has been destroyed again! If it's not an elf it, it has to be a condom and his stoned helicopter-driving flying blob...thing"

"Hey!" Navi exclaimed at the insult, but didn't say anything else when Malo reached for his toy box of doom again.

"Ever met a teddy that looks into your soul, before tearing it to shreds and eating it?"

The fairy shuddered.

"No? Well perhaps you'd like to meet him. His name is Steve...junior."

The fairy's light went out and she collapsed.

"It's funny. I always seem to have that effect on people." Malo muttered to himself, turning round to notice that Zant had just re-spawned a few metres away. The condom was looking around nervously to check that he was in a Malo-free zone, but quickly discovered that he was wrong as he saw the toddler staring at him with a stony expression.

"Damn it..." Zant gasped as he realised he was going to need another change of underwear.

"I seem to have that effect on people as well." Malo sighed, shuffling back to his toy box and picking out a mop. "You'd better wipe that puddle up sharpish. I don't want my premises smelling of something that came out of a condom's bladder." He instructed Zant, who grumbled quietly to himself before taking the mop.

A few minutes of puddle fun later, and Malo was ready to deliver his next EVIL instruction to Zant.

"Now, I don't actually know you, but Ganondorf came crying to me down the phone about the fact that you totally screwed up his plan and ruined everything."

"He was the one who hired me."

"Well maybe you shouldn't have been so incompetent! You had the elf in your grasp, but you let him get away. All for the sake of a pizza..."

"It was a magical pizza, actually."

"I DON'T CARE IF IT HAD BETH'S FACE ON IT-"

"-Eww..."

"Shut up, I'm trying to rant here!"

"Sorry."

"BUT THE POINT IS, IS THAT IT WASN'T WORTH LOSING OUR ELF! Now, I suggest that you get control of your pizza fetish before your next assignment-"

"-assignment? Whoever said that I was planning on helping you again?"

"Unless you want to meet Steve Junior..."

"OMIGOSH! Not Steve Junior!! Who in the hell is Steve Junior?"

"Bad...very bad..." Navi gasped from where she lay, half-dead on the ground.

"Will you take the fairy's word, or do you want me to show you the IMMENSE power of Steve junior the teddy bear?"

"Alright, alright. I'll do whatever stupid job you want me to do, it can't be as bad as my last one."

"Excellent. I think I know where the elf and his floaty little friend will be heading next. All you have to do is go there...and wait."

"Does that mean I get to play video games and eat cheese balls and generally be a slob until they get there?"

"Why not? You know, that description kind of reminded me of somebody..." Malo muttered, turning thoughtfully towards the camera and stroking his imaginary beard.

* * *

The player might have responded to this with a 'V' sign and thrown their cheese balls at Malo's face, if they hadn't presently been running frantically in circles, trying to escape from the maniac with the chainsaw that they had accidentally woken up yesterday.

They were still running frantically around their sofa, when they tripped over an empty packet of cheese ball bars. Cursing themselves for buying those cheese ball rip-off's, they turned and watched in horror as the maniac with the chainsaw stood over them, ready to go in for the kill.

The player went into Lucas-mode and emitted a ridiculously girly whimper, before closing their eyes in the hope that if they couldn't see the chainsaw dude, the chainsaw dude couldn't see them.

There was a scream, a thud, and suddenly an unsettling dripping sound. The player looked up triumphantly, sure that their plan had worked, when they discovered that something else had saved them. The chainsaw dude was staring, eyes wide with fear, at the TV screen, that housed the disturbing picture of Malo's face.

The maniac had screamed, dropped his chainsaw and then...well, let's just say that the dripping sound was pretty much explained by the puddle underneath him. Before the player could stand up to go and fetch a mop though, the chainsaw dude collapsed dead on the ground, blocking their path to the kitchen.

Of course, the player could have stepped over the corpse, but they decided that they honestly couldn't be arsed, and would much rather make the shorter journey back to their sofa to play more video games. So, they had a puddle of maniac pee on their carpet, but at least they had gained something much more valuable from the whole ordeal.

A shiny, new chainsaw.

* * *

"HELL YEAH!" Link exclaimed. "We're alive...Midna, we're alive!"

"You've said that about...ooh, I don't know...thirteen times!?" She snapped back at him. "And did I forget to mention, that we're already three quarters of the way into the chapter and we STILL haven't made any progress?"

"That's perfectly normal, it happens all the time. We just start having a pointless argument and then it takes up about two thousand words and then we don't have time to fit anything else into the chapter and-"

"-shut up. I'm about to begin our mission briefing."

"Sorry."

"Basically, we need to get to the top of a snowy hill and steal a magical pizza off a giant yeti with an obsession with fried food. His wife is delirious because she ordered a mega bucket from Cucco King and can't even tell the difference between a piece of a cheese and a boss key. Am I making sense?"

"Not re-"

"-good. Now let's go!"

"Can I just ask...what is Cucco King?"

"What does it sound like?"

"Uh...some kind of cheap-ass crappy imitation of a fast food restaurant?"

"Bingo. Any more questions before we leave?"

"Why do yetis eat pizza?"

"Because they're hungry, duh."

"I thought they ate fish."

"Maybe they got bored of fishing...like the player did after two minutes in Hena's fishing hole."

Link shuddered at the memory..

"That suddenly makes sense." He muttered.

"Good. Come on now, we have to hurry before we get caught in some sort of snow blizzard on our way up."

A ten minutes later, and Wolf Link, with a frozen imp on his back, battled up a snowy hill through the snow blizzard.

"This is somehow your fault." Midna grumbled, trying not to die from hypothermia.

_Why?_

"Because I decided that it was." She replied sourly.

_Thanks. Not only do I have frostbite in places I don't want to mention, I also have an imp on my back that likes blaming me for everything to compensate for the fact that it has an extremely small penis._

"I'm a female."

_Sorry, it's just hard to tell what gender you are when you're an imp. _

"And it's hard to tell what gender YOU are when you keep acting like a transvestite!"

_So what if I'm a transvestite? I _

"So what if I don't have a gender?"

_I could call transvestite-line. _

"I could call imp-line!"

"I COULD CALL YOU DINNER!" Boomed a loud voice from above them. Wolf-Link didn't have time to process what was going on before a gigantic hand grabbed him and hoisted him into the air. It wasn't long before he was staring down at a scarily overweight yeti. "HELLO! MY NAME IS YETO!" It yelled.

"Sounds like a very...creative name." Midna said nervously.

"YOU SMELL NICE..." Yeto exclaimed, ignoring Midna completely.

_Why thank you! That would be my new perfume 'I'm Bringing Smexy back' with peaches and rose, and a nice hint of lemon grass. The fragrance really is quite something else, I mean-_

"-IT SMELLS LIKE FRIED CUCCO." Yeto concluded. "I LIKE FRIED CUCCO, FOR DINNER!!!"

"Haven't you heard the news? Fried cucco makes you fat!"

"IT DOES?" The yeti gasped, oblivious to the fact that his own waistline was taking up the whole of the top of the hill.

"Yep. If you eat this transvestite-cough-I mean, wolf, then you'll be at risk of losing your..." Midna paused, searching for a good word. "..._Interesting _figure."

"YETO NOT EAT WOLF! YETO INVITE WOLF HOME FOR DINNER INSTEAD! YETO NEEDS SOMEONE TO EAT ALL THE FRIED CUCCO IN HIS FRIDGE!"

_But I'm allergic to fried cucco..._Protested Wolf-Link.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be able to find a way out of it." Midna sighed.

_Once again, thanks for the support, Midna. _The wolf thought as he was placed roughly back on the ground.

"WE GO TO MY HOUSE ON SNOWBOARDS, BECAUSE SNOWBOARDS ARE COOL!!!"

The yeti said, punching a nearby snowboard tree. A convenient snowboard fell down and the overweight yeti pounced on it, almost breaking it in half as it struggled to carry his weight down the other side of the hill.

_Oh, so now he wants me to roll into that tree and get concussion, just for a frigging snowboard! _

"I think that's the idea."

_Screw it, I'll just walk like a normal person._

But before wolf-Link could set off, a snowboard fell out of the tree and landed on his head, giving him concussion anyway.

"I think the tree wants you to snowboard." Midna commented.

_FINE, I'LL GO ON THE BLOODY SNOWBOARD!! _

And so the journey to the first pizza slice begun...

* * *

Sorry the ending is a bit rushed but I have to go soon so yeah, hope you like it!


	28. Run, Yeto, RUN!

Sorry about the update delay, for about the sixteen millionth time, OoT is keeping me occupied at the moment. Thanks for all the kind reviews! I hope you all enjoy this slightly disturbing chapter, and when I say disturbing, I mean that you'd better get your protective gear on. The fried cucco is about to strike...

* * *

**WARNING: AS MENTIONED BEFORE, THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A DISTURBING AMOUNT OF FRIED CUCCO. WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO WITH YOUR SHORT AND MEANINGLESS LIVES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T DO WHAT LINK IS ABOUT TO DO, AND EAT THE AFOREMENTIONED FOOD. EVER. YOU WILL BURN.**

**SERIOUSLY.**

**OK, ON WITH THE NEXT EPISODE OF SMURF WARS...I MEAN, THE CHAPTER.**

* * *

The snowboard sat by his feet. He fixed it with an angry stare, daring it to flip the birdie at him, which it didn't because it was dead. Well, you know Link and his obsession with ranting at dead stuff. He should probably get some medication. ANYWAYS, he continued to stand there, staring at it, when Midna asked him an important question.

"Link...just what in the hell are you doing?"

"It has a look in its eyes..." The elf muttered.

"It's a snowboard Link. It doesn't have eyes."

"Oh, that's what it wants you to think, but it's actually glaring at me."

"Why would it be glaring at you?"

"Because it doesn't like me."

"Nobody likes you, get over it. You're just doing this because you're scared."

"I'm not! What makes you think that?" Link exclaimed whilst discreetly kicking the snowboard down the hill. It quickly slid away into the distance. "Oh, what a shame. The board was so scared it ran away! Oh well, I'm sure I can come back next year or-"

He stopped talking when another snowboard fell out of the tree and landed on his head, almost knocking him out.

"There's no way out of it. If the tree wants you to go, the tree will make you go." Midna stated.

"Stupid f***ing tree with its stupid f***ing snowboards and its-" Link mumbled angrily, only stopping when the tree fell over and landed on his head. He re-spawned a few minutes later, now absolutely furious.

"IT DID THAT ON PURPOSE! I SWEAR I'LL KILL IT, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I-" Link screamed, only stopping when Midna interrupted him.

"-Link...just give up." She sighed.

The elf realised that it was probably the best advice he had ever received, but was still slightly pissed off that he'd been owned three times by a mastermind tree.

"Alright..." He muttered, stepping towards the board of doom once more. "Get ready to see Shaun White: The elf version."

"If that's being released in the cinema, remind me not to watch it will you?" The imp muttered, before yelling. "NOW GO, FATBOY, GO!"

"I'm not fat..."

"For crying out loud-"

"-Alright I'm going! Oh wait...I kinda have to pee first, just gimme a sec-"

Ignoring Link's request, Midna hauled him onto the snowboard with her hand hair, and gave him an almighty shove down the hill.

Much screaming ensued.

* * *

Hours later, a soggy, battered and sobbing Link sat miserably at the bottom of the hill. His board was broken into roughly six thousand pieces, and even worse, he'd wet himself.

"There were just so many bats.. and trees...and icicles...and fifty foot jumps...and more bats...and massive fecking ramps...and snow...and I really needed a pee...and I kept falling off the edge and...and...I DON'T LIKE SNOWBOARDING ANYMORE!!!!" The hero of the light burst into tears again whilst Midna nodded understandingly, trying really hard to pretend that she actually cared.

"I know how you feel, Link. I went on Wii fit snowboarding once, and believe me, it was probably ten times more painful and fifty times more disturbing."

"Really?" Link squeaked.

"Really." Midna confirmed with a solemn nod, before turning to the camera. "And remember kids, don't try it at home."

"Aw thanks, Midna. I feel much better now."

"Do you think you can stand up?"

"I don't know...that might be pushing it."

The imp looked around, trying to find something that would get the fallen hero back on his feet. It didn't take her long to find it.

"Hey look, a fast food restaurant, right in front of us!" She yelled, pointing to the Yeti's house.

"POPCORN CHICKEN!!!" Squealed the hero as he jumped to his feet and sprinted towards the mansion.

"So much for not being able to stand." Midna sighed.

"But Midna, popcorn chicken gives me WINGS!!"

* * *

It took them quite a while to get to the front door, due to a stupidly unnecessary amount of steps and the fact that Link kept tripping over them in his desperation to reach the popcorn chicken of life. But finally they had made it, and were standing before the entrance to the mansion, where the first slice of the pizza of twilight lay. Link reached slowly for the door handle, and threw the door open.

"Hey Midna, why is there a wall behind this door?" He queried, staring confusedly at the white mass blocking the doorway.

"I don't think that's a wall, Link." Midna muttered.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well for starters, it's furry."

"And? Maybe furry walls are perfectly normal in these parts."

"Seriously. I think it's dangerous."

"No it isn't! I'll prove it." Link said confidently, placing his hand against the furry white...thing. A few seconds passed, and nothing happened. "See, it's perfectly-WAAAAH!" The hero screamed as his hand suddenly started to sink into it.

"It's like quicksand, which can only mean that it's..." Midna started, only stopping when Link cut her off with his frantic screams.

"HELP!!! IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!!!"

"It's not trying to eat you, it's just absorbing your body and trapping you inside it for all eternity. Gosh."

"Yay?" Squeaked the hero uncertainly. "Nonetheless, could I maybe have a bit of help?"

"No. It's funnier to sit here and ignore your pain." Midna replied, putting on a pair of earmuffs so that she didn't have to listen to his screams, then pulling out an imp version of the Argos catalogue to read.

"Ooh, I never new they has imp-sized rubber ducks! Isn't that fascinating, Link?" She said enthusiastically.

"HELP ME!!!" Was the reply.

"Fine, don't comment then."

* * *

After a lot more screaming and begging for help, Link was finally absorbed by the flab wall. Satisfied with its sacrifice, the wall started shuffling away from the doorway, allowing Midna to go inside.

"Finally." She muttered, floating peacefully into the mansion.

* * *

The first room was a large, square shaped area, with several icy patches on the floor. The imp looked to her left in search of the white wall, but instead saw Link on the ground. He was in the fetal position, shuddering slightly as he lay there.

"So...much...flab." He squeaked when she approached him.

"Oh, so you finally figured out what it was? Wow, you're actually a clever doggie."

"I'm not a dog any more! Wait...when did I turn into a human again?"

"I think I might have _accidentally_ put that Zant badge inside your pants."

"Accidentally, my ass-"

"-which is quite nice, I have to say."

"You're sick! I can't believe I'm still helping you find this magical pizza."

"Your helping me, because if you don't then I'll stalk you for the rest of your life and rape you in your sleep!"

"So not much different to what you do now, then."

"Um...no. Not much different."

"Hey, look, the flab's getting away!" Link cried, pointing to Yeto, who was trying to get through the door on the other side of the room, but failing epically.

"So what happened was, that Yeto was standing in the front doorway, you got sucked into his flab, then he shuffled across to the corner of the room, released you from his flab, and is now trying to escape through the door and pretend it wasn't him."

"Yeah...I think so."

"That guy has problems."

"Actually, this fic is the thing that has problems."

"It should probably get some medication or something."

"Yeah..."

There was a short pause whilst Link and Midna pondered on the matter, before remembering what they actually came for.

"Come on, let's go harass him!" Link yelled, jumping to his feet.

"In a non-sexual way, right?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I meant." Link muttered, trying to cover up the fact that he actually had a fetish for overweight yetis.

They approached Yeto carefully, making sure to keep a safe distance from his flab this time. His efforts to get through the door were still failing when they reached him.

"First you make me snowboard down a massive hill, giving me trauma, serious bat wounds and a pair of wet underpants, THEN when I try and open the door you absorb me in your massive freaking rolls of flab and pretend it wasn't you! You're a bitch, Mr Yeti man!" Link yelled.

Yeto looked down at the elf guiltily, before pulling out a small box of Cucco King.

"POPCORN CHICKEN TO MAKE UP FOR IT?" He asked, trying to pull off an innocent look. Link snatched the box off him and had already started eating it before Yeto could finish the sentence. He stopped eating when he sensed Midna's glare burning through the back of his head, and turned to face her.

"What?" He asked. "The yeti knows me!"

"We're supposed to be finding the pizza of twilight, not eating fried cucco."

"This is popcorn chicken, not fried-urgh." Link gasped, starting to choke.

"As I said, fried cucco."

"I'm allergic...to fried...cucco." Link gasped, before dying.

"You'd better get out of here, because when that elf re-spawns, he's going to be VERY angry." Midna warned Yeto, who nodded, before turning back to the front door and shuffling rapidly towards it. He only just managed to break through the wall (he'd given up trying to get through the door this time) and escape outside before Link reappeared, looking ready to kill something.

"Where is he?? I'LL KILL HIM!" He roared. Midna quickly pushed him through the door to the next room which was no longer blocked off by Yeto's huge-ass waistline.

"Oh look, we're in a different room. Isn't that interesting?"

"Midna...WHERE. IS. YETO?!?"

"He escaped. He should be miles away by now, so I'm afraid you won't be able to reach him."

The image on the screen changed to show Yeto shuffling at approximately 0.0000000052 miles per hour down the steps outside the house, before switching back to reveal an even more angry Link.

"OK, maybe he's not that far away..."

"Your liar!" Link yelled.

"Come on, link. Can't you just forgive Yeto? We're already at 1874 words and we haven't even found the pizza yet!"

"Pizza? Did someone say pizza?" Came a voice from the middle of the room, which was mainly occupied by a giant pile of Cucco King mega buckets, all with fried cucco inside.

"It seems they have a fried cucco infestation. Maybe we should call cucco busters." Link mused thoughtfully.

"Or maybe we should dig through this pile to find out who said that." Midna suggested , floating over the the pile of junk food and getting out a spade from her inventory. "This could take a while..."

* * *

Seven hours of digging later, and the task had been completed. Link had gone around burning the buckets of fried cucco with his flame-thrower to release some anger, while Midna had been digging away at the pile. Now a chair had been revealed, and sitting in it, was another yeti.

"Not another one...hey Midna, can I burn it?" Link asked.

"No! He probably knows where to find the pizza."

"I'm a female!" The yeti protested.

"Nobody asked for your opinion!!!" Link screamed. "Yetis don't deserve to have a gender!"

"Link, maybe you should go outside and...I don't know...make snow angels or something?"

"I'm on it!!" The hero said, suddenly excited. It wasn't long before he was lying in the snow outside, flapping his arms excitedly and giggling.

"So," Midna said, putting on a serious tone. "Where did you put the pizza of twilight?"

"Um...uh...well..."

"QUICKLY DAMMIT!" Midna urged, pulling out her cookie gun and pointing it at Yeta's head.

"I put it in...my bedroom!"

"What, you sleep with it?"

"It's nice..." The yeti replied dreamily.

"I'll take that a a yes, which means that I'm now mentally scarred for life."

"Go and get your boyfriend, and I show you where I put the pizza."

"He's not my boyfriend! I would NEVER marry him!" Midna yelled in horror, just as Link re-entered the room. He was about to ask her for help with his snowman (it was a cross between Zant and Capitan Spock, so he was really having trouble making the ears), but instead he stopped dead, mouth open in shock.

"Midna..." He spoke quietly after a painfully awkward silence. "...How could you?"

*Cue Eastenders theme tune*

* * *

Will Midna apologise to Link?

Will Link manage to finish his snowman/ woman/ condom/ spock/ thing?

Is there an end to the fried cucco?

Will Link and Midna ever just cut the crap and get to the God Damned pizza?

In answer to those questions I'd say: not likely. Hope you liked that episode of Eastenders...I mean, chapter 28. But it's not over yet, for the next chapter will involve...the McFlurry of doom! *Evil laughter*

Please comment, or I'll turn up on your doorstep and start playing sad music on my non-existent violin. Then you'll be sorry...heh heh heh...


	29. NO TAKE PIZZA!

Right, let's get this thing started before my parents come in and force me to revise for hours on end.

I'd like to say get well soon to somerandomtwili**, **and I hope that this chapter relieves your boredom a bit! Also, in answer to teale viii's question: I'm not even sure what the word 'stroppily' means myself. Probably something along the lines of 'grumpily'. Yeah, I'll go with that. As to XEmoMidnaX...Ohnos! I'll update! Just don't feed my precious violin to Midna! XD

Oh, and while I'm at it, I'd like to tell Razcoolzle that...uh...well...SHE'S AN OBESE YETI!! MUAHAHAHA! Also, thanks to FoxPilot, NinjaCrabz, FoxMcCloud7921, zeldaddict and Link PWNs U all! For reviewing the last time. I love you all! (And everyone who reviewed the previous chapters as well)

* * *

"I have to say. In all my years of existence, I have never had this much fun." Link muttered sarcastically.

He and Midna had been following some stupid, overweight yeti up the steps towards her bedroom for hours now, mainly due to the fact that she was shuffling up them at roughly 0.00000052 miles per hour.

"I have an idea." Midna gasped. "Why don't we just go past her?"

"Because...uh...damn, that's genius!" Link replied, before rushing past Yeta and almost instantly reaching the door to her bedroom. "And now, we wait."

But as Link looked over his shoulder to check that he wasn't being followed by daffy duck, (it had become a habit) he was terrified to find that she was right there.

"HOLY CUCCO! Where did you come from?"

"Who cares? Her freaky teleportation powers saved us waiting five more hours for her to come and unlock the door." Midna reminded him.

"I'm still scared though. Penguins aren't supposed to teleport!"

"I'm not a penguin! I'm a yeti!" Yeta protested.

"It's not my fault that you look like a penguin! Seriously, where are your arms?"

"The pizza delivery man chopped them off when I refused to pay by credit card!" Yeta sobbed.

"Zant did that? Why, I ought to-"

"-PAHAHAHAHAH!" Link cut Midna off with his uncontrollable laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"A yeti's pain is fun to laugh at!"

"Have I ever told you that you're extremely yeti-ist?"

"No, but I think the world might have guessed that by now."

"Will you two just shut the hell up and let me open this door?" Yeta complained. Midna gave Link one last evil glare before nodding to her. The yeti took one step towards the door, paused for a while, before cursing.

"Oh f*ck!"

"What?" Link asked impatiently.

"How am I supposed to open the door when I don't have an limbs on the upper half of my body?"

"Looks like we'll just have to order you some." Midna sighed, pulling out her phone and dialling Malo Mart.

* * *

A few minutes later, and Yeta now had a miniature pair of arms glued to her shoulders.

"I don't think this will work." She said.

"Why not?" Midna asked. "They fit fine."

"Yes, but they're from a freaking Barbie doll!"

"I already told you. They ran out of proper arms last week. You'll just have to make do!"

"But-"

"-Look, why don't you just take the key from Yeta and open the door yourself?" Link asked, suddenly smarter than usual.

"Because...uh...damn, that's genius!" Midna said, using her hand hair to grab it and quickly unlock the door. Link drew his sword, ready to face the giant, chew-your-face-off kind of monster that was surely lurking behind it. But as they walked in, they found the room to be totally empty, well, apart from a tiny bed on the opposite side.

"Looks like this could actually be easy." Link muttered.

"I wouldn't bet on it." Midna said quietly, before speaking up. "Hey Yeta, where's the pizza?"

The yeti ignored her, and continued shuffling over to the bed. She then twisted her body so that one of the Barbie doll arms pointed towards the bed covers.

"There." She stated.

"I don't see it." Midna said.

"That's because it's UNDER the bed covers." Yeta spoke in a suggestive tone.

"YetaXMirror shard. Tasty." Link muttered, sarcasm dripping from every letter in the sentence.

"Will you stop being a smart ass? You're stealing my job." Midna complained.

"Nobody cares about you! Now go and get the pizza from beneath the covers."

"Why me?"

"I only just washed these gloves. I don't want to get yeti..._stuff_ on them."

"Liar..." Midna grumbled as she floated over to the bed. She knew he would probably have a serious tantrum if he was forced to get his hands dirty, so decided to go and get the pizza herself. Grimacing, she slowly dragged the duvet back to reveal the most disturbing-looking pizza she had ever seen. (To protect the innocent readers from having their eyes raped, I won't go into detail).

_Three...two..._ She counted in her head as she slowly moved towards it. _..one..._ her hand was practically around it. _GO! _

Gripping the very edge of the crust, she spun around and hurled it at Link.

"Put it into your inventory, quick!" Midna yelled, but Link was having none of it (which wasn't surprising, seeing as it would have involved putting the pizza down his pants). Instead, he let out the most girly scream known to man and hurled it at Yeta, who screamed as it narrowly missed her and hit the ice-covered floor.

There was a moment of silence as the panic in the room died.

The three glanced nervously at one another, before turning their gazes towards the pizza.

"Maybe you should put it in your inventory." Link suggested.

"Hell no!" Midna gasped.

"Look, how about you both just-" Yeta began, before stopping abruptly.

"Just what?" Link inquired. But the yeti was no longer listening. Her eyes were transfixed on the pizza, a few metres away from her on the ground.

"Pizza so pretty..."

"Uh oh...pizza fetish moment." Link said nervously.

"Want pizza...want take pizza's virginity..."

"That. Is. Wrong." Link squeaked in pure horror.

"So very wrong..." Midna squeaked in unison.

"Don't rape it, man. Just step away and we'll handle the situation-" Link spoke in a shaky voice. What happened next was probably the most frightening event of the game so far.

"NO. TAKE. PIZZA!!!!" Yeta screeched, suddenly turning her head to fix Link with a horrifying stare of pure and utter evil. Her face somehow spun around to be replaced a creepy ass one that had been hiding on the other side of her head the whole time. It was complete with the usual demonic red eyes and stupidly cliché vampire fangs, making her look a bit like a vampire penguin, of sorts.

"It's like something out of Twilight!" Link gasped. "

"Hey! Don't insult Yeta." Midna exclaimed.

But as the two started their fifteen millionth pointless argument, Yeta was about to complete her transformation. She started floating into the air, and was surrounded by icy winds that swamped her whole body.

"I'm not a bitch! You're a-whoa..." Link stopped arguing when he noticed that there was a monstrous contraption hovering high in the air above them. "Midna, what's that?"

"What does it look like?"

"Something out of Twilight?"

"No! It's a giant McFlurry."

Link scrutinised the massive ice cream tub for a while longer, before coming to a conclusion.

"Damn, you're right! I WANT ICE CREAM!!!" He screamed, sprinting across the icy floor towards it. By the time Midna tried to warn him, he was already underneath it, jumping frantically in the air.

"Can't reach it!" He huffed.

"Link, something tells me that's a bad idea."

"Why?" Questioned the hero, before it came down on top of him.

"Now do you understand why ice cream is bad for you? Because it will fall on your head and crush your stupid ass if you're not careful."

Link gave her a 'go and burn in Yeto's soup bowl' look, before dragging himself out from beneath the deadly ice cream tub. "I think my ribs are broken." He groaned.

"Stop being a wimp! Go out there and fight like an elf!" Midna yelled. "Oh, and it's about to crush you again. I'd run."

Link glanced above him to find that the McFlurry had risen into the air and was directly above him. He screamed and threw himself out of the way, landing painfully on the ice and skidding several metres across the floor. "If I hadn't already broken all of my ribs, I would have been sure that I just broke another one." The hero muttered as he clambered to his feet, searching for the giant McFlurry again. This time, not only was it above him, but it seemed to suddenly have missiles circling it.

"What the-?" He gasped, before realising that they were all aimed at him. "F**************CK"

* * *

Midna watched the elf sprinting for his life as the missiles plummeted towards him.

"That's it, Link. Keep moving!" She yelled.

"MIDNA!!! HELP!!"

You don't need my help, you're doing fine-" She said, before he was utterly crushed by one of the missiles. "OK, you're practically f*cked. But don't lose hope, I'm sure that-" She stopped as the hero was crushed by a second icicle, this one in his 'special area'.

"Please..." He whimpered.

"Fine, I'll help your sorry backside. Just gimme a second." Midna sighed, looking through her inventory. She soon found something deadly enough to match the force of a giant McFlurry with missiles.

"If you can't kick something's ass the first time round, try hitting it with a giant ball and chain." She said brightly, tossing the heavy weapon at the ice-cream tub. It shattered, sending shards of ice across the room. Of course, the ending wouldn't have complete if one of those shards hadn't landed in Link's eye.

"It burns!!" He cried.

"Oh, get over it. That was one of the easiest boss battles ever!"

"Easy for you to say." Link grumbled, still clutching at his eye when Yeto burst into the room, ramming him out of the way with a giant hand to get to his wife in the middle of the room.

"Hey Yeto, did you know that your wife is actually a McFlurry in disguise?" Midna asked him as he scooped Yeta up in his arms.

"WHAT?"

"And that she would rather sleep with a pizza than you?"

"WHAT???"

"And that there's a deranged elf named Link behind you, pointing a gun at your ass?"

"HOLY FRICK!" Yeto screamed, dropping Yeta and running like hell towards the door, Link firing madly at him all the while. The hero would have gotten up and chased the yeti, if his legs weren't broken from being rammed aside by the overweight beast. His aim wasn't great due to the fact that there was a shard of ice in one of his eyes, but he managed to get a few shots into Yeto's flabby behind before the yeti escaped again.

"Revenge!" Link smirked.

"So much for a romantic ending..." Midna sighed.

"Romantic? How can any pairing involving yetis be romantic??" Exclaimed Link.

"That's it, I'm out of here." A now normal-looking Yeta growled as she made her way over to the door. "I'm not here to take insults."

"No! Don't leave! Who am I supposed to make yeti-ist comments about now??" Link bellowed after her as she slammed the door closed.

* * *

An awkward silence ensued, in which Link and Midna turned their gazes back to the pizza, which had remained untouched throughout the battle.

"That is one lucky bitch of a pizza." Midna muttered.

"I'll say." Link mumbled.

"So...who's going to take it?"

* * *

And that just about concludes today's episode of McDonald's: Battle of The Burgers. I mean, chapter twenty nine, of course. Next time, we find out who's actually going to take the pizza, why midget things on steroids shouldn't drive and what freaky mutant chicken things are evil!! Until then, I hope you liked this chappie, and please leave a review!!!


	30. Fred

I'd like to start this chapter by saying CONGRATULATIONS to Foxpilot for winning Pikana's usual pairings contest. Great job! I hope your prize is awesome (if you've stopped reading this fic then I'm gonna look pretty stupid, but hey, it was worth it). Anyway, a massive thanks to the reviewers! You're all epically awesome (dunno if that makes sense). Now onto the chapter, I'm bored.

* * *

"Why do I have to hold it?" Link whined. "Ugh! It's sliding down my leg...oh sweet Jesus...MIDNA IT'S RAPING MY FOOT!"

Midna might have explained to Link why he was the one who had to keep the pizza of twilight in his inventory, or told him that the pizza was dead so it can't have been raping his foot, or at least shown a bit of sympathy towards him, but no. She had given up talking to him several hours ago, mainly because he hadn't shut the hell up ever since they had left the yeti's mansion.

"Midna, this thing is alive! It's sexually attracted to my foot! Midna! Why aren't you listening to me?"

It was easy to tell why her patience was wearing thin.

"How long until we get to the temple of time?"

Finally, something that wasn't related to the fricking pizza.

"About two hours."

"Why can't we warp?"

"Because you have to transform into a wolf to warp, and I can't seem to find the Zant badge..." Midna replied.

"What's that behind your back, then?"

"Nothing!" She said, quickly dropping the badge into the snow.

"Too bad. Looks like we'll have to climb all the way back up this hill." Link sighed, looking up at the giant snow-covered mountain that he'd previously snowboarded (or fell) down on his way to the mansion.

"Hey, I suddenly found the Zant badge!" Midna said, pointing at the snow where she'd dropped it. "Isn't that just the weirdest coincidence?"

"If I knew better, I would have thought you were trying to get rid of it because you're jealous of Zant because I prefer him over you-" He stopped when he noticed that Midna's eye was twitching. "-but since you're a pal, and because I know you'd never lie to me, I'm sure it just slipped out of your hand."

Midna's eye was still twitching.

"I don't suppose a hug would make up for it?"

"Maybe if you jumped off that cliff and then re-spawned and then got sucked into the flab of Yeto and digested and then re-spawned and got raped by Daffy Duck and then re-spawned and then got raped by the postman...MAYBE I would be laughing so hard at your sorry ass that I'd forget that I wanted to kill you."

"So that's a no, then."

Midna nodded.

"Oh, look at the time." Link muttered, looking at his invisible watch. "We should really get going, don't you think?"

"Your attempt to change the subject was such a failure I now feel like running you over with a giant lawnmower." Stated the imp. Link really didn't like the way her eyes were glowing a kind of demonic red.

"But if we don't get the pizza, we won't be able to find Zant and pop him like a balloon!"

"I said I'd do that chapter 24." Midna muttered.

"It's chapter 30, and I still haven't seen any progress."

"That's because when I said it, I thought I was in chapter 5." (1)

"Time flies when you're having fun-"

"-or when you're being forced to travel with the world's most annoying runner bean."

"Haha...yeah...hang on a second, were you talking about me?"

"Yes. Runner bean is officially your new name."

"But...why?"

"Because," she growled, staring down at him with her evil glare, "I don't like you."

"Right." Squeaked Link, terrified. "That suits me...runner bean...brilliant name choice...I think..."

"You're not supposed to like it." Hissed the imp.

"What I meant to say was; that is the most offensive name I've ever been called! I'm so depressed right now, I could die!"

"That's it...wallow in misery." Midna said, grinning creepily.

"Shall we go?" The hero asked, now desperate for a change of subject.

"Fine, I suppose if it means getting closer to _destroying_ Zant."

Midna floated down towards the badge, picked it up, and jabbed it roughly onto Link's head.

_If I didn't know better, I would have thought you were trying to stab my brain or something,_ thought the newly transformed wolf-Link.

"That's because I was." The imp replied. "You're just lucky I missed."

* * *

It wasn't long before they materialised in North Faron woods, right next to some random guy standing on a ledge that overlooked a deep gorge. He was wearing a pointless helmet that made him look like something out of Doctor Who, only with less fashion sense. He smiled when he saw wolf-Link.

"Aw...cute doggy!" He squealed, ruffling wolf-Link's fur. "Have some catnip."

The random guy delved into his inventory and pulled out a paper bag.

_Sorry, I don't take food from paedophile cybermen- _

Wolf-Link was unable to finish the thought before the contents of the bag was thrown in his face.

"Excuse me. I'd prefer it if you didn't try and drug up my love interest-I mean, slave." Midna snapped. The random guy screamed when he saw the demented look of pure and utter EVIL on her face, and then fainted.

"Hey Link, did you know that guy? I can't imagine why he'd throw catnip in your face if he didn't even know you..."

There was no response.

"Link?"

There was no response.

"Earth to runner bean."

Still no response.

"Oh. It's the catnip isn't it?"

Wolf-Link suddenly collapsed, and started log-rolling on the ground. Midna only just jumped off his back to avoid getting squished underneath him.

"Damn it! Now how are we going to get to the sacred realm and enter the temple of time?"

Wolf-Link's only response was a sound that resembled a strangled 'meow'.

"So this is why you should never feed catnip to your dog..."

Wolf-Link continued to roll backwards and forwards.

"It seems like this is a job for the...ugh..._Zant_ badge." She said, starting to search her inventory. When she found it and returned her gaze to wolf-Link, he was doing the Caramelldansen.

_Dance to the beat, wave your hands together, come feel the heat, forever and forever!_

"That is just weird. Please stop raping my eyes with your crappy dance moves, Link."

The comment was ignored.

"You asked for it." Midna said, ramming the Zant badge onto wolf-Link's front.

The wolf shifted form, and as Link appeared fully, he started to wonder what the hell had been going on.

"Why is there a man lying over there unconscious? Why are you looking at me like that? Why am I standing like I've just been doing some serious caramelldansen?"

"You were."

"As a wolf? What happened, did someone give me sugar?"

"Catnip, actually. That cyberman guy over there threw in in your face, and when I politely asked him to stop, he fainted. I have no idea why!" She sighed, eyes still glinting blood red in the sunlight.

"I know him! That's Colin's dad."

"Come again?"

"The farther of the boy who has milk addiction, and throws squidgy chainsaws at people?"

"Oh, the one with _problems_..."

"Yeah. Well...I heard that he has a magical sparkly cucco called Fred!"

"Yay for him. Got anything helpful to say?"

"I'm telling you this, because it's sparkly ass is going to get me across the gorge! Just you watch."

Link approached the unconscious Rusl and knelt down beside him.

"Here, Freddy..." He mumbled. A clucking noise arose from Rusl's pants. "Oh, don't tell me he keeps it in there."

"Hurry up, Link! I'm bored." Midna whined.

"What, so you expect me to just go into his pants and get the cucco out?"

"Try luring it out with something."

"Hmm...what would I be attracted to if I was a sparkly cucco named Fred?" Link pondered.

This was when the player realised how incredibly screwed up the Legend of Zelda, Twilight Princess had become.

"Maybe it likes porn!" Midna exclaimed.

"Oh no, I'm not using _my_ porn to lure some damn sparkly-ass chicken out of somebody else's underwear..."

Midna rolled her eyes, grabbed Link with her hand hair, and turned him upside down. Fifty porn comics and a rubber duck fell to the ground.

"No! My porn! Mr Quackington!"

"You call your rubber duck Mr Quackington? Why do you have a rubber duck in the first place?"

"I have to sleep with someone..."

"You're sick!"

"I don't mean _sleep_ sleep. I mean something to cuddle. I'm saving _sleep_ sleep for Zant-"

Link caught Midna's death glare and quickly changed his sentence. "-I mean, you."

"Better." The imp smirked. "Now go and put the comics next to Rusl."

But there was no need. Fred was already wandering through the maze of porn, sniffing around curiously. It wasn't long before he found something that he liked, gripped it in his beak, and started wandering off with it. (2)

"HEY! GIVE THAT BACK YOU LITTLE ****!" Link screamed, and started wriggling madly. Midna got the hint and loosened her grip on the hero, who dropped quickly to the ground. Fighting off the dizziness, the hero set off in pursuit of the cucco, who was nearing the edge of the gorge with Link's collector's edition. As soon as it heard his war cry, in leapt from the edge of the cliff into the gorge. Link sprang into the air, and only just managed to grab it's sparkly legs as it flew away.

* * *

It didn't take Fred long to reach the entrance to the sacred grove because of his sparkly-ass awesomeness, but Link was not satisfied as his feet touched the ground.

"If it's OK with you, I'd like my comic back." He stated to the cucco, who was at his feet, staring up at him innocently.

"I'm going to say this one more time, Fred. Give. Me. Back. My. Porn."

Fred ignored him, and instead began to munch on his collector's edition.

"That's it." Link hissed, pulling out his flame-thrower. "I'm gonna toast you, cover you in batter and sell you in a mega bucket for five rupees."

His finger was about to push the trigger, when a rumbling sound exploded from the entrance to the scared grove. The fact that the entrance was pitch dark didn't help Link when he tried to see what it was, but when a pair of headlights suddenly flicked on, and a red post van tore through the cave towards him, he got the picture. As he turned to run, he caught a glimpse of who was at the wheel.

It wasn't the postman, it was something a lot, lot worse. The freaky midget thing on steroids cackled evilly, before jamming down the accelerator. (3)

* * *

I think that answers last week's question, why midget things on steroids shouldn't drive XD

Okay, I just have to point out a couple of things.

(1) This was pointed out by Jioplip in his review for chapter twenty four. I thought I was writing chapter twenty at the time, I can't believe I'd actually lost count of how many chapters I'd written! So yeah, thanks for pointing that out XD

(2) Does anyone remember a similar thing happening the first time Link tried to get across to the scared grove? Last time a monkey stole his porn, and the second time it was a chicken named Fred. Makes no difference when you come to think of it, but I slightly prefer Fred. He's spin-off fic material! (not that I'd actually do that, but it would be interesting)

(3) How does the freaky midget thing on steroids reach the accelerator pedal you ask? I have no idea. I'm sure he's come up with something ingenious, or maybe he's just grown. Well, we'll find out the the next chapter anyhow.

Hope you liked this chapter :)


	31. References, Distractions and Cucco King

**I'M BACK! *crickets***

**Ahem...sorry for the update that took so long that I was forced to put up a reminder of what happened last time at the start of this chapter... **

**I just took a look at the date this was last updated, and discovered that it has been (shamefully) almost two months since this was last updated... **

**I'll definitely try and update more quickly next time, if it's any consolation...**

**Thanks so much to all the reviewers! Sorry to somerandomtwili and Jaxin, who encouraged me to get off my backside and start writing this chapter. Oh, and in answer to jioplip, I don't know where U-DO is from...*sniffs* now I lack cookies! I'd certainly be interested to know what it's from, though! :D**

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter!

* * *

**

_Last time.._

His finger was about to push the trigger, when a rumbling sound exploded from the entrance to the scared grove. The fact that the entrance was pitch dark didn't help Link when he tried to see what it was, but when a pair of headlights suddenly flicked on, and a red post van tore through the cave towards him, he got the picture. As he turned to run, he caught a glimpse of who was at the wheel.

It wasn't the postman, it was something a lot, lot worse. The freaky midget thing on steroids cackled evilly, before jamming down the accelerator.

_

* * *

NOW: _

Midna gasped.

Link screamed.

Fred dropped his porn.

The van didn't move.

The freaky midget thing on steroids hit the accelerator again.

The van still didn't move.

The crappy formatting of the story started to make the reader's eyes bleed.

The van still didn't move.

The freaky midget thing on steroids jumped up and down in absolute rage, before accidentally hurling himself out the window of the post van.

He died.

* * *

"So...many...questions..." Midna said, shivering.

"Questions? What was so confusing about the previous scene?" Link asked, innocently.

"Question number one," Midna started. Link blanched. "Why do your screams sound strangely close to Miley Cyrus' singing voice?"

"Well how am I suppo-"

"And why did the freaky midget thing on steroids have a post van in the first place?"

"Um-"

"And why did the van conveniently break down? And why did the freaky midget thing on steroids conveniently throw himself out of the window? And how did he even reach the accelerator pedal in the first place? I mean, he's supposed to be a MIDGET! And why did Fred drop the porn? Surely if you were about to die then you'd be flicking through the porn comic as fast as you could to find that picture of that Bublin in a bikini so you could take the beautiful image to your death?"

Link regretted he ever asked.

Not only was Midna bombarding him with questions that he had no freaking idea how to answer, but now he was disturbed by her 'Bublins in bikinis' fetish. Even HE wasn't that bad.

"Midna..."

"And what the hell was with the formatting? Who was even responsible for that? Surely the reader should be visiting 'itrapedmyeyesdotcom' and suing the author's ass? Don't they deserve compensation for the horrors that were inflicted upon them? Don't they-"

"MIDNA!"

"What?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Midna went silent for a while, before speaking again. "Wow, that was strangely badass of you, Link. I'm impressed!"

A look of surprise appeared on Link's face. "Really?" he asked.

"Totally. I mean, just look at Fred," Midna said, nodding to where the cucco was. Fred was now standing in a distinctly yellow puddle, and shaking as if he'd just had a visit from doctor Octagonapus, or just watched Cows & Cows & Cows on Youtube. "You scared the living daylights out of him!"

Link's smirked. "I made a chicken pee itself!"

"It's not really something to be proud of, Link."

"Ha, your pathetic insults cannot get through my ego, which is now officially the size of James Adams' mother!"

"Pretty big, then."

Fred took the opportunity to crash into Link's leg, almost knocking himself out in the process.

"What do you want?" Link snapped.

"I think he wants us to go," Midna said.

"And why should I do what he wants? HE stole my porn! Where is it, by the way?"

Fred shrugged. Link paused for a moment, before reaching down and grabbing the cucco's neck. "You must DIE!" he stated.

"Now, now, Link. We all know that you're upset, but there's really no need for references to the Legend of Zelda cartoon. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse, not even a sparkly cucco that stole your collection of inappropriate material."

Link shook his head, eyes narrowing to slits as he glared at the cucco in his stranglehold. "At least Fred didn't have to be made fun of. He never had to suffer the agony of watching that crap. He never had to suffer the agony of seeing himself with brown hair!"

"But I think he's suffering the wrath of your elf rage, Link. To be more specific, I think he's dying."

"So what? It isn't as bad as dying inside when you see a version of yourself that's an arrogant freak, who likes to catch princess Zelda half-naked on her balcony!"

"I'll admit it, that is a bit disturbing...wait, didn't I watch that episode with you backstage? She was in her sleepwear!"

"Yeah, and some smexy sleepwear it was, too."

"Just let Fred go, Link."

"NEVER!"

"How about you do it for some Scooby Snax?"

Link released Fred, mainly due to the fact that the reference was so terrible it had destroyed his soul. He died instantly.

"I was just asking..." Midna huffed.

* * *

A couple of minutes later, and Link re-spawned at the cave entrance. Fred looked up at him with gleaming eyes. At first this might have given Link the impression that Fred was thanking him for sparing his life, but when a cocky grin seemed to appear on Fred's beak, Link realised he was just being taken the piss out of.

By a chicken.

"_Don't_ push your luck," Link hissed, before following Midna through the tunnel into the Scared Grove.

* * *

They arrived in the same area that they had in chapter 17, and the sight of the Sacred Grove filled Link with nostalgia.

"I remember when we came here, and you fulfilled my destiny for me. Good times, eh Midna?"

"Not really. I only remember the part that involved you insulting my monkey's cornflakes."

"What in the name of Zelda's smexy sleepwear? I didn't even know you had a pet monkey."

"I don't. That's why the memories that this place bring back to me are horrible, because they make less sense than the concept using a shiny chicken to fly."

"Fred isn't a shiny chicken, he's a sparkly cucco," Link huffed, annoyed that she was insulting his favourite concept in the whole of the Zelda series.

"Whatever, what I'm trying to say is that I don't like the scared grove, just like I hate everything in this game. Except you. I mean, I especially hate you."

Link raised an eyebrow. "Right...I don't really get what in Fred's name you're trying to say, so I'll just keep walking and pretend that I understand you."

"Sounds OK to me, so long as you don't get us lost."

"Ha, get us lost. That's rich!" Link exclaimed, before walking into a tree.

"I don't think that the Temple of time is in that direction, Link."

"I know, gosh! I'm not that stupid."

"Then why did you walk into that tree?"

"Maybe I'm just taking some time to enjoy the scenery."

"Up close, I see."

"Um, yeah...up close. Anyway, ONWARDS!" Link exclaimed. He managed to take two steps before he walked into a second tree, which was slightly weird as the Sacred Grove only contained one. "Damn it! Why do trees keep inconveniently appearing out of nowhere directly in front of my face?"

"Don't blame it on the plant life, Link. The trees don't have brains...but then again, neither do you..."

"Was that an insult? Seriously, I have no idea. Please tell me whether not having a brain is a bad thing, because if it is then I need to go and buy one."

"You can't buy-"

"I KNOW! I can get one from Malo Mart!"

"True..." Midna said in a pondering voice. Then she realised that for about the six thousandth time she and Link had somehow managed to go off on a tangent again, when all they had been doing before was trying to find the Temple of Time. How they had managed to start a discussion about brains, she wasn't sure. "Damn it, Link. We're getting distracted again!"

"We are? What by?"

"I don't know, random crap. Come on, we need to get the the Temple of Time!"

"But...I don't want to go to the Temple of Time any more. I'm hungry! Can't we go to Cucco King first?"

"No."

"I'll eat Fred."

"Fine!"

* * *

One trip to Cucco King later, and Midna warped the three of them back to the Scared Grove again. "NOW, we're going to the Temple of Time."

"Kay," Link mumbled in a distracted tone, before continuing to play on his novelty hand-held CuccoBox 360 that had come free with his unhappy meal. That was when Fred put his tiny foot down, literally. He stomped as hard as he could (which wasn't incredibly hard, seeing as he was pretty light) on Link's bigger foot. The hero squealed in pain and jumped back like a frightened child (whom he practically was), managing to fall into a nearby lake. His CuccoBox 360 exploded as it made contact with the water, to his slight disappointment.

"Now look what you made me do!" He whined, holding up his mangled CuccoBox. Fred ignored this, and stared down at him in a Mr T like fashion, his expression reading, 'Get yo' ass outta that lake, we got business to take care of, fool!'

Now scared, Link complied. As soon as he managed to scramble out of the lake, Fred signalled for he and Midna to follow, before marching off, not even giving the hero time to straighten his novelty Cucco King party hat.

He lead them through the nearest tunnel, took a left, kept going forward and instantly landed them in front of the door to the Temple of Time.

"Wow, that Cucco knows his stuff," Midna commented.

Link huffed. "That's because he a smartarse bitch..."

"Without him our quest would have ended ages ago!"

"Quest? Oh, so that's what we're calling it now?"

"Don't change the subject, Link. Just accept that he's better at finding his way around than you are."

"NEVER! I shall never lose my dignity to some...shiny chicken!"

"You told me not to call him that!"

"That's because I actually liked him back then!"

"You never liked Fred," Midna said in a very convincing soap-opera voice. "Ever since we met him, you two just never got along! You always wanted to be the best, whereas all he wanted was to help us!"

"It appears," Link sniffed, also in a very convincing soap-opera voice, "that am no longer wanted here..."

"Then why don't you just leave?"

"MAYBE I WILL!"

Fred took the opportunity to clear his throat, which sounded incredibly bizarre seeing as he was a chicken. Link and Midna turned to him and saw the dark expression on his face, which read 'Don't mind me interrupting your f*cked up version of _Neighbours_, but I'd like to go into the Temple of Time now.'

"Of course," Link mumbled, "I was just about to do that."

"Same here," Midna said quickly.

Fred gave them a sceptical glare, before turning back towards the door. He pecked the foot of the stone guardian at the door, who promptly ran off, crying hysterically.

"I remember when we tried to get the stone guardians out of our way in chapter 17. We wouldn't have been able to get to the Master Sword if they hadn't left to go for a toilet break..." Link said. "You are actually pretty good, Fred."

Fred nodded (as if he needed to be told) and without any further ado, went through the door, closely followed by Link and Midna.

If only they had known what danger awaited them as soon as they stepped through that doorway...

**

* * *

What terrible thing lies ahead for our heroes? If you can guess (because it appears in the actual game almost as soon as Link goes up the steps into the Temple of Time), then you get cookies! **

**Until next time, which hopefully shouldn't be too long...**


	32. Die, peanut!

**Hi everybody! **

**First I'd like to say...don't kill meh! *runs, screaming, from somerandomtwili* **

**Secondly, I'd like to thank him/ her for their review and reminding me to update (I probably would have forgotten otherwise XD)**

**Thirdly, I'd like to thank Tameera, Foxpilot, Jaxin, FoxMcCloud7921, JimHarbis and TheBrick for all being plain awesome sauce :D **

**Fourthly, I'd like to give special thanks to XEmoMidnaX for mentioning this story on a forum website thingy mabob. I was feeling vain so typed my Pen name into Google (I know, I'm terrible) and found your comment. So yeah, thanks very much! It was really appreciated :) **

**Oh, and thanks to Jioplip too, especially for informing me what U-DO is from. I get very interested in these things! Xenosaga sounds like a cool game series :D **

**Lastly, I'd like to begin this chapter, because my fingers ache from typing the thing...

* * *

**

"Danger...what danger?" Link inquired as he stepped through the doorway to the temple of time.

"Could you stop being naïve for two seconds?" Midna snapped. "It's pissing me off."

"I'm not being naïve, I just can't see any danger in here. Unless Daffy Duck in waiting for me with a cloaking device on..."

"Maybe he is."

Link shivered. Then he felt something bump into his leg, and was about to scream when he realised it was only Fred. "Dammit, Fred! Now I need a change of underpants!"

"I think he's trying to get us to move," Midna stated.

"I'm not going anywhere until I get a change of underwear."

Midna sighed. "Look in your inventory."

Link looked and miraculously found a pair. "I don't remember putting these in here- oh wait, you sneaked in when I was sleeping again, didn't you?"

Midna nodded. "I thought you'd have gotten used to it now."

"Your fangirl-stalker side still freaks the life out of me, I've just given up all hope of escaping it."

Fred crashed into Link's leg again.

"Alright, alright, I'm putting them on!" Link huffed, before spinning around. When Link had completed his spin, the pants he'd been holding were nowhere to be seen. "It's like the Sims!"

"Only a f*cked up version," Midna corrected.

"At least it meant I didn't have to strip!"

"Stripping sounded like a fine idea to me."

"That's because you're a fangirl-stalker."

"Well you're an elf."

"Well you're an...ow!"

Fred had crashed into Link's leg again. He'd done it so often that he and Midna were beginning to wonder why it wasn't affecting his brain. Unless he didn't even have one, which would have been scary due to the fact that he was extremely intelligent.

"I think Fred wants us to go," Midna pointed out. "And I think he might go rabid if we ignore him this time..." she added, noticing bits of foam starting to appear in the corners of his beak.

"Don't bite me!" Link screamed and ran off. He stopped at a convenient slit in the ground. "I wonder what this is for..."

"Look at the sign," Midna said, pointing to a plank of wood beside it reading: _Use the Master Sword, N00B! _

"It called me a n00b..." Link sniffed. "I'm not a n00b! I'm not!"

"Just get the Master Sword out."

"What's the Master Sword again?"

Midna face-palmed. "The thing on your back."

"What thing? Is it a fangirl? Don't tell me it's a fangirl!"

Midna face-palmed again.

"Oh for crying out loud, let me get it..." She mumbled, swooping behind him.

"If this is some attempt to rape me-"

Midna would have face-palmed again, but she'd already reached the DFL (Daily face-palming limit). Instead, she grabbed the Master Sword quickly before Link could started screaming 'rape' and get her arrested. She then dropped the Master Sword into the area in the ground, causing random magical blue stairs to appear on the other side of the room.

"Well, that was convenient. Can we go up the magical stairs now?" Link asked.

"Take your sword with you first. The danger could appear as soon as you put your foot on the first step..."

"Pah, I doubt that!" Link said, taking the Master Sword from her and heading to the stairs. That was when the most horrible thing happened.

Ooccoo, now positively rabid, randomly sped across the room towards them at approximately OVER NINE THOUSAND (!) miles per hour. They turned around, gasping in the most annoyingly cliché ways possible, as they watched her mow poor Fred down as she continued towards the stairs, warbling some chicken version of a war cry. When she was gone, Link burst into tears.

"I know, I know..." Midna said, patting him comfortingly on the head.

"That was so scary! I want to go home!" Link sobbed, before remembering that his home was infested with disturbing children and s'more factories. "Actually, I just want to run away from everything!"

"Don't worry, I'll take you to my house where you can be safe from mutated chickens..." Midna said, the look of fangirl-stalker about to get laid occupying her expression.

"It's not just that I'm scared...I'm upset about Fred too!" He cried, glancing down at the pancake-shaped cucco. "I don't want to waste money on his funeral, when I could spend it on something more worthwhile!"

Midna glared at him. "Fred is more worthwhile than you'll ever be!"

"But he's technically an OC."

Midna went silent momentarily, before deciding that Link had a very good point. They both left pancake Fred on the floor behind them (MEAN!) as they headed up the stairs into the Temple of Time.

Much painfully dull temple navigating later, and Link had arrived at the mid-level boss. He only knew it was the mid-level boss because the door slammed behind him in a 'THERE IS NO ESCAPE, BITCH!' kind of way.

He whimpered as he sighted the boss. It was a knight, clad in hardcore black armour and a helmet that made him look strangely similar to a turkey.

"What the heck is that? It looks like something out of TMNT."

"Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles? What the-?" Midna questioned. Link rolled his eyes.

"No, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turkeys. How couldn't you have guessed?"

"Well, I tend not to spend a lot of time watching your messed-up Hylain TV programmes."

"Oh...you can blame Zelda for that. It's her favourite programme and she makes everyone in Hyrule watch it."

"I heard that!" Midna exclaimed, before shoving her hands over her mouth. "Where did that come from? Oh yeah, Zelda's soul inside me. Wait? She's been listening in on all of our conversations?"

"I dunno."

"Yes, I have-argh! It's like I have no control over my voice box...you don't...what? I said you don't, and I can control your voice! Muhahahaha! No, stop it! Never! You're making me look weird, you freak! What did you just call me? Nothing. Liar! I'm not a liar! Yes you are! No I'm not. Why don't you just shut the f*** up? Why don't you? You shut up first! NO, YOU!" Midna stopped when she saw that Link was giving her one of the most extreme 'WTF?' looks she'd ever received. "It's not me..." she cried.

"Oh, blame it on Zelda's soul why don't you? It's not as if she has control of what you say, so don't go blaming it on her."

"You're absolutely right Link. Zelda is much better than me and I'm an idiot," Midna stated confidently, and then gasped. "I didn't mean to say that!"

"Freak," Link muttered.

"I know I am. Wait, that wasn't me!"

"You're not even funny, Midna! Just tell me how to defeat this boss before it cuts my arse down!" Link snapped.

"Alright, keep your freaking undies on! It's called a Darknut, and-"

"What? What's it called again?"

"A Darknut."

"A WALNUT?"

"And you were accusing me of being an idiot...I said a Darknut!"

"Oh, I hear you. A _peanut_."

Midna was trying very hard not face-palm again, but was having great difficulty. Only Link's idiocy could push someone over the DFL.

"I SAID-" she began, but couldn't finish because Link was already charging at the knight with murderous intent.

"Die, peanut!" He roared, actually using his sword for once to destroy the 'peanut'. "_This_ is for giving me allergies, _this_ is for having an awful dress sense, and _this_ is for having a bigger sword than me!" He cried, swinging violently with each exclamation until the Darknut's armour had completely broken off. The weird turkey-knight thing then whizzed backwards and hurled it's sword at Link's face.

It was a direct hit, and the hero collapsed in a heap.

"_That_," the knight explained, "was for mistaking me to be a simple snacking item!"

Link whimpered in reply, mainly because he was bleeding to death. For some reason, the subject of 'simple snacking items' wasn't of much significance to him any more.

Midna sped to his side.

"Link, no! Don't leave me..." she cried, floating down and picking up his hand gently.

"Midna...let me go..." he rasped.

"But...I love you!"

"I love you too...and...I'll always...be with you..."

"How?"

"I'll be... in your heart..."

He then flopped unceremoniously, causing Midna to burst into tears and start screaming 'noooo!' at the top of her voice. "Come back to me Linky! Come baack!"

A sniffle sounded from Midna's left all of a sudden, and she whipped round to find the Darknut. He was sitting on the ground with a bucket of popcorn in his hand, crying. "What a dramatic and totally not cliché ending! It was so beautiful, I could kill myself!"

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea, I was about to do that, actually," Midna told him.

"Really?" he gasped. "We should be like, sisters!"

"No," she immediately replied.

"Fine, whatever. Why don't you kill yourself already?"

"You go first."

"OK!" He chimed, before picking up his sword from beside Link's head and sticking it through his own chest. "Actually, I don't think I want to die anymo-"

He died.

"Heh heh heh...sucker!" Midna grinned, before turning to Link. "Hey, you can get up now."

The hero sat up. "If anyone, he's a n00b. I mean seriously, what gamer doesn't know that the main character never dies?"

"And I can't believe he bought our act! You were amazing by the way. The most realistic death I ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes upon."

Link, unable to detect the sarcasm in her voice, grinned like the idiot he was. "Thanks Midna! You were great too!"

Annoying High School Musical-type hi-fives were exchanged, before the two headed to the item chest at the other side of the room and (wait for it) Link gained a new item from it (ZOMFG no way). It was the SSS (Statue Stalker Stick), or Dominion Rod, as some weirdos apparently liked to call it.

After dragging some bizarre statue fangirl (on fan boy. Link was too mature to go looking in its 'special' area), all the way through the temple with him, he'd finally managed to lose it and get to the boss door. He's concluded that the SSS was absolutely no help whatsoever, because all it did was get you more stalkers (as if Link didn't have enough), but still managed to use it to defeat the boss. Apparently it could also be used to make conveniently 'fist shaped' statues punch the crap out of giant spiders, a feature that he eventually decided was extremely useful.

Therefore, he chose not to change it into a toilet cleaner like he had been previously planning (strange guy).

He was still admiring the SSS when he was warped outside by Midna. Unfortunately, Ooccoo chose that moment to appear out of nowhere and snatch it from his grasp.

"Heey! I was admiring that!" He squealed. Still, his call was not paid heed. The rabid, mutated chicken zoomed into the distance with instead.

"Come back!" Midna cried as she popped from Link's shadow. "That stick was Link's only form of entertainment!"

Ooccoo did not return.

"That's it," Midna snarled. "First she turns Fred into a pancake, then she takes off with our precious Statue Stalker Stick! After her, Link!"

Nodding seriously, Link allowed her to transform him into a wolf, before his powerful legs carried him off into the distance after the demented chicken.

**

* * *

And so the race to catch the demented chicken begins! (wow, this really is straying from the original plot). **

**Ooh, and congrats to XEmoMidnaX for guessing what happened before they went into the Temple of Time! (Ooccoo running in like a maniac). You get the epically epic mountain of cookies! *hands over* **

**That part of the game always scared the living daylights out of me...**

**Sorry if there were any typos by the way, I suck at checking XD  
**

**FRED IS GONE! Or is he? Stick around to find out...  
**


	33. The Insanity Continues

**I'm so, so sorry about the wait! My other story takes up every scrap of my free time, seeing as I have to update it on a weekly basis with at least a two thousand word chapter. I hope that you guys can forgive me, especially somerandomtwili who, I know, really wanted to see the next chapter of this. **

**This chapter is really short, but I've become so used to writing my other, serious, story that I've run out of inspiration for this. That doesn't mean that the next update shouldn't be sooner than this one, though, because my other story finishes next week and so I'll have much more time to focus on this. **

**Anyways, I'm gonna shut up now because this author's note might actually become longer than the freaking chapter... **

**I hope that you peoples enjoy this mini-chapter :)

* * *

**

Wolf-Link was sprinting through the sacred realm, dodging, weaving, and generally being annoyingly melodramatic as he raced to take back some stick from an incredibly slow chicken.

For some reason, he was sure that something was about to go wrong. Maybe it was because he was heading straight for a tree, or maybe it was because he'd just seen Ooccoo and her creepy son (Link wasn't sure how a severed head resembled an actual living being, but he decided to let it slide), both teleporting away all of a sudden to some unknown location that he would probably never find, he wasn't sure. All he knew, was the tree was horribly close, and he'd been too busy speculating on the subject of mutated chickens to move out of the way.

In short, he crashed.

Midna, being of the helpful sort, decided to transform him back into a human to relieve his agony. Well, this was actually more likely to have been because she didn't like him wearing the Zant badge on his head, and only allowed him to release his inner thoughts on the situation.

"STUPID F***ING TREES! I hope they all burn in hell and release horrible carbon emissions that cause the world to flood and tear down every single one of their f***king tree siblings and their f***ing tree parents and their f***ing tree pet squirrels!" He screamed, clutching his head in agony.

"Squirrels? As pets? I think you might be delirious," Midna pointed out.

"So what if I am?"

"Not my problem," she replied, turning away. "Now get up and go...do something!"

"My head hurts."

"Nobody cares about you! Now get up already."

He struggled to his feet, collapsed, received a kick from Midna, struggled up again, collapsed, received yet another kick from Midna, and then finally struggled to his feet and stayed there. "My head still hurts."

"Like I said, I don't c-" she stopped suddenly, before an excited grin overcame her expression. "I know what you need."

"A councillor for all the mental scarring I've received from ploughing through endless metaphorical hills of random crap?"

"Um...no. Even though one of those would probably be useful...I'll tell you what you need."

"Go on."

"You need a magical little substance I like to call..._alcohol_..."

"What in Fred's gloriously original name would I be needing that for?"

"It's a painkiller."

"You didn't seem that interested in my wellbeing just a couple of seconds ago."

"That's because I'm a pathetic idiot who is far less superior than Zelda. Ahem! I mean, that's because I like you."

Link raised a suspicious eyebrow. "You...you're actually admitting for once that you like me, instead of dropping blatant hints about it?"

"Got a problem with that?"

"Not really. I was just wondering, wouldn't it be easier-"

"No it wouldn't, now let's go!"

Before he could attempt to ask why they couldn't have just popped down to Malo Mart and stolen a bottle of painkillers instead, Midna had transformed him into a Wolf and warped him to Telma's bar.

* * *

When they arrived, it seemed Midna had forgotten to account for the fact that everyone in Telma's bar might be a little bit surprised that a Wolf had suddenly appeared in the middle of the room out of nowhere.

Actually, 'little bit surprised' wasn't exactly the most accurate description. As Wolf Link materialized in the bar, Telma ran away screaming that her chest area was too pretty to be ripped apart by a Wolf. Two of the emos ran away and took back their pledges to the emo religion. Shad would have wet himself, had he been there.

At least this left the bar empty, well, except from one particularly stupid emo, who had decided to stay and play poker with himself whilst a potentially viscous Wolf wandered about the bar freely. Instead of wondering how in the name of Fred's awesome sparkling ass someone plays poker with themselves, Wolf-Link let Midna head in the direction of the alcohol cabinet.

Man, did he wish he hadn't done that.

In approximately ten seconds flat, she'd consumed three bottles of Hyrule's most alcoholic liquors and a can of energy drink from Telma's mini-fridge. He could only wait, terrified, as she slowly turned to him.

Of course he'd been expecting to see her frighteningly demonic smile, but it scared him nonetheless.

"Hello," she stated, before shooting through the roof.

Wolf-Link mentally elf-slapped himself.

There was a pause, in which he just sat down and just stared at the hole in the roof, with absolutely no clue what to do next. That was when the emo spoke up.

"I think...that you should go find my friend Shad and beat the hell out of him to express your agonising feelings of distraught and anger at this situation."

After recovering from the fact that this emo had a vocabulary that extended beyond two words (i.e. he actually had a brain), Wolf Link realised that tearing apart some delusional Harry Potter cos player would actually be a worthwhile use of his time, and hopefully take his mind off the fact that his only form of navigation had gotten pissed again and flown off to Din knows where.

He nodded a silent 'thank you' to the emo, who handed him a 'Freak' tracker.

"That should lead you straight to Shad."

Wolf Link nodded again, and, with the tracker between his teeth, set off towards the unknown.

**

* * *

Next chapter should be up sooner than this one was. Again, a huge apology, because I know I suck at updating this story... **

**If I get any reviews at all, I'll be extremely grateful, and if I don't, I suppose I deserve it '~'**


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